I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good morning. Looking out at you, I always think about being in a little boat on the big ocean. So today I want to acknowledge the closure of our closure here at Green Gulch. For quite a while we've had a retreat sign up at the head of the road. I think many of you saw the sign. And what we've been doing is hibernating in the Buddhist fashion. Since just about the beginning of December when we had our Rohatsu Sashin.

[01:03]

And even though I wasn't able to fully participate in the January practice period, I really appreciated the possibility of quieting myself in this quieted valley. So welcome back to everyone. Welcome. Our reopening is coordinated with the arrival of the California spring. As soon, the plum trees will be rioting with blossoms. I wanted to begin today by telling you a story about a shaman woman. You're all going to disappear now. So as was her custom, one morning after breakfast, she invited all of the children to join her for a walk in the forest.

[02:05]

And as they walked, she pointed out to them the names of the trees and the flowers and the herbs, which ones were poisonous or edible or had magical powers. When the youngest of the children had grown too tired to walk any further, she had them all sit down by the side of the river and she began to tell them the story of creation. About brother sun and sister moon, fire, wind, earth, water, and about the great turtle that carried the world through the heavens on its back. Well, at this point in the story, the littlest child raised her hand and said, Old woman, if the world is carried by a great turtle, what does the turtle stand on? And the old woman smiled and said,

[03:08]

On an even bigger turtle. And the child raised her hand again. And what does that turtle stand on? And the old woman replied, An even bigger turtle. And when the hand went up in the air again, the old woman said to the child in a quiet voice, with her eyebrows slightly raised, Listen, it's just turtles all the way down. So this story got me thinking about all of these pesky questions that we are always asking ourselves and each other. You know, why are we here? How long is it going to last? Where are we going? What do you want? And so on. These familiar questions,

[04:12]

or we could say seeking or desiring, in Buddhist teaching is called samsara. And samsara simply means endless wandering or circling. Maybe that's better. And the Buddha made it very clear in his very first sermon called The Turning of the Wheel of the Law that there was a relationship between desire and suffering. In fact, desire is the cause of suffering. Noble truth number one, there is suffering. And noble truth number two, desire based in ignorance is the cause. So you can imagine desire and suffering as a circle going round and round and round. Desire, suffering, divisive. And in the old texts, this circle is often depicted in just this way

[05:17]

so that one begins to feel rather nauseous. Kind of like a rat on a wheel in a cage. Now, unfortunately, in my own situation, my own experience of samsara, in other words, my life, for me, the appearance of samsara has been more attractive than the image of a trapped rat. And this is a problem. In fact, this circular habitual pattern of pain and suffering has most often occurred in the lovely homes of my once very best friends or over an object that I liked that's been lost or broken. A very good example these days for me

[06:18]

is the relationship between me and my daughter. What could possibly go wrong there? I'm kidding. So in the parable of the burning house, in the Lotus Sutra, samsara is depicted as a pleasure palace. And it confirms this tendency of mind that we have to mistake the appearance of things and to be lulled into complacency and kind of sleep. So I wanted to read you a little section from the Lotus Sutra which describes our circumstance pretty well. And the great man mentioned in this story is the Buddha and the children in the story are all of us. So there is a great house owned by a man of tremendous power and incalculable wealth. This house has but one doorway.

[07:20]

The halls are rotting. The walls are crumbling. The pillars decayed at their base. The beams and ridge poles precariously tipped. Throughout the house and all at the same time, quite suddenly a fire breaks out. The man's sons and daughters, ten, twenty or thirty of them, are still in the house. The great man, directly seeing the fire breaking out, is alarmed and terrified. He then has this thought, although I was able to get out safely through this burning doorway, yet my children within the burning house, attached as they are to their games, are unaware, ignorant, unperturbed, unafraid. The fire is coming to press in upon them. The pain will cut them to the quick. And yet at heart they are not horrified, nor have they any wish to leave. So this is the tricky part for us.

[08:23]

How can we find the source of suffering and its release in the middle of our very own lives? This is our homework. It's within our circumstances that the noble truths are taking place. So how do you find in your own life a kind of earnest and endless seeking? So in my experience it starts pretty young and then we just get better and better at it. My daughter is now five and three quarters and there is hardly a moment that goes by when she isn't either wanting something or inquiring about something. And quite often I'll say to her, I don't know, especially when I don't. For instance, the other day she said to me, where is that ambulance going? You know, it brings you right up to your edge, you know.

[09:27]

And so I honestly replied, I don't know. And then she's learned to say, where do you think it's going? So then I said, do you want me to make up something? And she of course did. So I was really creative and I made up an answer. And then she said, Mom, that's not right. It's going to the hospital. So anyway, this kind of circular questioning and answering is a very familiar, very close at hand. And if nothing else, she and I are honing our rhetorical skills with each other. But of course, this kind of engagement isn't always a child's game.

[10:30]

In fact, for my daughter too, sometimes it gets quite serious. And by quite serious we can also mean, in Buddhist terminology, attached. We start to believe that there actually is an answer to our questions or that we do know something or that we can get what we want. And as a result of those convictions, we and those around us suffer terribly. So you can see the arrival of suffering just about any day of the week in your very own family system, even if you live by yourself. So these are the very circlings that the Buddha was studying during his own retreat and the understanding of which coincided with his awakening.

[11:30]

And this is a small verse from the Dhammapada, which is a collection of the Buddhist teaching from the third century prior to the Christian era. What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow. Our life is the creation of our mind. Our life is the creation of our mind. If a man or a woman speaks or acts with an impure mind, suffering follows them as the wheel of the cart, follows the beast that draws the cart. He insulted me. She hurt me. They defeated me. He robbed me. Those who think such thoughts will not be free from hate, for hate is not conquered by hate. Hate is conquered by love. This is the eternal law. I was sitting on the lawn out here one evening with a young woman

[12:35]

who was very courageously struggling with the endless stream in her own mind of thoughts that were forming into desires and strategies. And she was literally struggling for her life. And while we were talking, the sun was going down and the clouds and sky were very quietly and slowly fading into darkness. And I found myself suggesting to her that she look at the sky and the clouds and the sunset. She kind of briefly looked up and then she would go right back into her nest of inquiry and pain. So, ironically, to study ourselves with a way-seeking heart and an inquiring mind are precisely the tools of our practice as followers of the Buddha's teaching. However, this very same teaching and very same teacher

[13:40]

also said there is nothing to get, nothing to attain. You already have everything you need. You've had it from the start. Just a cat chasing after its own tail. So what's a girl to do? So I've decided of late that I'm going to study this matter thoroughly, to look into my own experience for those moments that I think of as trying to get something. You know, whether it's a new bit of knowledge or some thing, some person, place or thing, some object of desire. And this particular exploration seems very accessible to me because, and I imagine this would feel like a confession, because I love to shop. I always have.

[14:44]

When I was at Tassajara it was really challenging because I had to resort to catalogs. And I would occasionally have the time to scan them in order to try to maximize the purchasing power of my $55 monthly stipend. You know, you have to be very careful because needs and wants can get confused and it's a long time, four weeks is a long time before the next chance to spend. So anyway, I have noticed that this impulse to seek for something is primarily physiological. It's in my body. And I feel this vague unrest or longing and then I look around for some object to satisfy my hunger. Does that sound familiar to anyone? It's a lot like going to a restaurant that I frequented thousands and thousands of times

[15:51]

and the menu has never changed. It's the same stuff, you know. It's either that I want some food, a bath, company, a book, a video. Or some chocolate, you know. Did I leave anything out? The company in my restaurant. I knew you'd think of that. Dirty people. Impeachment material. So, well the next thing I noticed was during an actual shopping experience that I was having at the Mill Valley Market. I had my cart and my mental list and I was wandering up and down the aisles and I noticed what pleasure I got from handling

[16:53]

all of these future sources of pleasure, you know. The jellies and condiments, cheeses. And when I arrived home with my bags and I unpacked them and put them carefully away in their pre-assigned spaces I had this thought, what would it be like to take the bag out again and put everything into it? Would there be any pleasure in that? So I tried it. As they say these days, duh, you know. There was absolutely none. So then I wondered, why not? What's going on here? So my theory is that it's not getting things that gives me my joy. It's seeking. That's what gives me pleasure.

[17:54]

It isn't the acquiring, the having, the incorporating. You know, incorporating is nirvana. It's the end of seeking. There is no inside or outside. It's already yours. No self or other. The sun has gone down. Perfect peace at last. Sitting in the dark, inhaling and exhaling. Now don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's very nice. In fact, it's vital. It's invaluable. But what's equally valuable is the sound of the bell at the end of forty minutes. And the rioting of the blossoms on the palm tree in the garden. And the endless round of pesky questions from a five and three quarter year old.

[18:56]

A monk asked Yunnan, What is taught transcending Buddhas and ancestors? Yunnan said, Sesame cake. So we like this idea of perfect freedom. It's what got me here in the first place, to the Zen center. An end to suffering. The Buddha's third noble truth. There is an end to suffering. Cessation. But we need to be very careful that we don't mistake the end to suffering to turning away from life. So just as a quick review, the four noble truths are basically a set, two pairs of causal relationships. Truth number one and two are suffering and its cause, desire. That's where you get the circling called samsara.

[20:00]

The endless wheeling of birth and death. Suffering and desire. Truth number three and four are the cessation of suffering and its cause, by which we turn the wheel back on itself. So then you might wonder, well, what is the end of suffering? Yeah. That is a very good question. And the Buddha's reply was, in truth, number four, the eightfold path. Right view, right intention, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right meditation, right mindfulness. So in other words, the cessation of suffering happens right in the living of this very life. It's a path, it's not a destination. And for each of us, it's our understanding, it's our conduct, our livelihood,

[21:13]

our effort, our meditation, that realizes the Buddha way. So enlightenment is simply freedom from wrong thinking. As it says in the Lotus Sutra, the mere separation of self from falsehood. So fortunately, just about everything that all of us ever thinks is in the category of wrong thinking, there is continually this opportunity for liberation. Because liberation occurs right on the occasion of wrong thinking. When you let it go. When you release your grip. So enlightenment is not something that you get, it's actually something that you lose.

[22:16]

And namely, the darkness, the confusion, the despair, the self-concern, the rage, and the disappointment. The round pearl has no hollows. The great raw gem isn't polished. What is esteemed by people of the way is having no edges. Removing the road of agreement, senses and matter are all empty. The free body, resting on nothing, stands out, unique and alive. There's a story by Gregory Bateson that he told us one time. He used to visit the Sense Center. He was a good friend of Richard Baker and of the community. And he said that there was a very wealthy man at the turn of the century,

[23:19]

the son of a member of parliament, who had gone quite mad and had been placed in an insane asylum. And the unique thing about this man was that he kept detailed records of his journey into madness, which had begun as a spiritual journey. And a significant turning point for this man was one evening at dinner, when he was served a bowl of pea soup. And he looked at the soup, and he had this thought, It's too green. And then after that thought, he thought, It must be poisoned. And then he started to laugh uncontrollably. And of course the attendants forcefully took him back to his room. Well, he later wrote in his journal that what had actually happened was that he'd had a moment of insight into reality.

[24:27]

He saw his thinking, and that it was absurd, and it made him laugh. And it wasn't too long after this that he was released from the sanitarium. I know it's not that easy. In most cases, you know, people are really trapped into bondage by madness. But in this case, anyway, he was free. So it takes a lot of courage to challenge your own convictions. No, I don't think there's anyone more dangerous to us than ourselves. You know, we are the wild oxen that must be muzzled, tamed, and loved. So I thought I would end today by telling you how the great man got his children out of the burning house. This is quite a famous parable, and has meaning on many levels.

[25:35]

So again, from the Lotus Sutra, at first the great man tries to tell the children that they are in danger. But they are very young and as yet have no understanding, and all are in love with their playthings. So when he tells them explicitly, get out quickly, all of you, the house is burning down. They don't believe him. Unalarmed and unafraid, they haven't the least intention of leaving the house, for they do not even know what a fire is, or what a house is, or what it means to lose everything. All they do is run back and forth, looking at their father. So then the great man has this thought. This house is already aflame with a great fire. If we do not get out in time, the children and I shall certainly be burnt. I will now devise an expedient whereby I shall enable the children to escape this disaster. The father knows each child's preferences and their attachment to specific toys and unusual playthings.

[26:45]

Accordingly, he proclaims to them, the things you so love to play with are rare and hard to get. If you do not come now, you will regret it later. Carriages drawn by goats, deer, and oxen are now outside the door for you to play with. Come out of this burning house quickly, all of you. I will give each of you what you desire most. So now the children hear their father, and the heart of each is emboldened, and shoving one another aside in a mad race, altogether they leave the burning house. At this time the great man, seeing that his children have contrived to get out safely, and that all are seated in an open space at the crossroads, upright, no doubt, he is no longer troubled, and secure at heart, he dances for joy. So I thought you might appreciate,

[27:49]

knowing how all of us have been tricked by talk of personal liberation, by toys or us, no less. But in fact, the only gift that the Buddha has to give is his own great vow, to live for the benefit of others. And through the living of this vow, there arises selflessness. Please, after you. So this story of the house on fire calls forth in all of us our deepest feelings as human beings, our concern for the safety and protection of our children, for the earth, and for all of its creatures. Selflessness. So any of you, all of you, who have ever cared for anyone more than yourself,

[28:50]

know the great joy that this man felt on seeing his children safe from the fire. So I want to thank you for coming today. The exits are carefully marked. There are muffins and tea waiting for you outside the door. Fire! May our intention equally penetrate every being and place. There wasn't much juice there, so then he would move on to another seeking pattern. So then I brought up this idea of making vows, of taking vows. And so that, in a sense also, if we're going to live, if we're going to follow the Eightfold Path and engage in right conduct and so on,

[29:51]

then, you know, we actually are held up to our own standard. So you don't engage in a relationship where that vow isn't likely to happen. That would be breaking your own precepts. One of the things that's really wonderful about the precepts, as a kind of sphere of consideration, is that any one of them that you look at, because they actually come up together, there aren't 16 separate precepts. They're all basically descriptions of one precept. And if you look at any one of those, like not abusing sexuality, for instance, to keep on the theme, a way to find out if you're abusing sexuality is to see if you're lying, or if you're intoxicating yourself at the expense of others, if you're slandering someone else, and so on, if you're harboring ill will. So it's very easy to check in with yourself.

[30:54]

Is this abusing sexuality? Well, it certainly is. So then you have to decide if you're going to do it or not. But it's only between you and you and the karma, the inevitable karma of your choices, which is also between you and you. You will suffer the consequences of those actions. I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. I take pleasure in both the shopping and the incorporating. Well, I think it's really the considerations that we're bringing up are beyond good and bad, are not about good or bad. Those are just one side of a continuum. Is it a bad thing or a good thing?

[31:56]

Probably neither one. But it's something very interesting, something to be studied. As Dogen said, to study the Buddha way is to study the self, not to judge the self. But what am I doing? Do I even know what I'm doing? It's that unconscious action that we do, the habitual circulating that is being called into question. Not so that you can say, well that's not, I'm going to stop shopping, you know. That could be interesting, but only because it would give you another way to study yourself. What happens when I refrain from this action? Thanks. In that I think he sees the world differently.

[33:00]

And so I noticed that he was walking up the street backwards, all the way to town. And I thought, well, he's just being a totally different person. He's walking. And how, no, he doesn't, we don't talk, he says, what time is it? And I tell him, time. He does that to everyone. But he sees things differently. How he turns around, and a photographer told me once, that after he finished taking the photograph, and he spent hours in the landscape photography, then he would turn around, from what he saw was a picture, and he would take another picture, and often that would be the same picture. So just that idea that you have, playing it differently, seems really wonderful. Yeah. I think part of what we're trying to do is to unstick. You know, see where you're stuck. Where's that record needle cutting its grooves, and see if you can get it out of there.

[34:01]

Here's some different tune, you know, than the one you're used to. And there's a lot of life outside of our grooves. I'm wondering where periodicals play into this. I mean, it's distinct from speaking, but has some kind of element to it. Because I'm kind of going through this phase right now, speaking to the very rich, where I'm curious about a lot of different things. I'm just wondering if that's a good example of speaking. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, I wasn't really putting seeking down. I know someone else asked me about that, and they said, you know, in the same sort of way. And I thought, gee, I didn't mean to lead you to believe that I think there's something wrong with shopping. You know, it actually is my great joy. That was kind of the conclusion I drew was, what I realized was,

[35:02]

this is a source of great joy for me, you know. And getting stuck in the judgments about it is more interesting. I'm more curious about where those judgments are coming from. You know, that there's something wrong with this. Well, what is wrong with a jar of jelly? You know, nothing, nothing. But am I, like, you know, desperate to get that kind of jelly, and when I run out of it, I scream at the man in the store? Well, then I'm leaning into, there's a problem here, you know. So you really want to find out, where are you sticking to things? Where are you not flexible? Where aren't you able to open and release and let go? You know, where's the flow getting blocked in my life? So there's nothing wrong with seeking, shopping, curiosity. All of that stuff is what we do. You know, that's our action. But we need to be watching it, be with it. You know, it's the unconsciousness. Buddha means awake. That's all.

[36:04]

This means awake. Do you know where your children are tonight? You know, that's that kind of knowledge of ourselves. And the more you look at yourself and explore yourself, you know, the more fascinating you become, for one thing. And the world, by extension, you know, like, whoa, this is me too. That was the Buddha's insight. This is me. You know, so that's a big, that's kind of a big relief. To not feel separate from the world. So that's where that kind of exploration will eventually take you. Yes? You said, of course, you have to be careful. You don't try to avoid the pain of all the things that are treating you. And that's something that I forget. I wonder, should this help one to stop tricking oneself? Very rational.

[37:06]

Why you're not, I'm not defending myself. It's logical. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I have that same pattern. I feel like my birthright was introversion. You know, I was a very shy child, a very shy teenager, a very shy young adult, and so on. And Zen Center was just the best place for an introvert. Yeah. You get to sit here facing the wall and nobody talks to you. Bothers you. They don't ask you what you're doing, anything. And that's great. But there's also tremendous wisdom that flows through these corridors, too. And at some point you do get invited to, would you please hit the bell? Would you please, would you please give a talk? You know, there's a logical progression here that you don't quite grok when you first think that this is, you know, the final solution.

[38:09]

So, uh, what I appreciated hearing at some point, and I think you engage your intellect in your own behalf as you go along, you know, who said something useful about this? For me it was Jung who said something to the effect that in the first half of your life, if you're an introvert, that's how you live out your life. But then in the next half of your life, you need to extrovert in order to complete the assignment. And just the opposite. If you've been extroverted, you need to introvert so that you complete the assignment. And I think we all sense that that's true. It's like a little chicken inside the egg. If you don't get out of that egg, you're going to rot. So you've got to start going against your own grain and begin to explore through a lot of fear. I'll tell you, it's very scary. You people, when I meant the thing about the ocean and the little boat, you know, it's terrifying to face that other side of yourself. It's frightening.

[39:11]

Huh? Yeah. No, no, it doesn't go. But you can go. It's a wall of flames. And when you walk through it, you know, you're very nice people. Nobody threw anything at me. You didn't say anything mean, you know. You smiled when I told jokes and things. So it's really, it's my, it's up here. Yet again, you know, another wall in my mind that I'm exploring. But it is frightening. But still, that's the sign. When I was home, just as the banjo starts, I've gotten it down to the sound of the banjo bell is when all of the terror comes up. It used to be days or weeks. And I get really scared. Really scared. And so now I say to myself something like, well, here's that fear. There it is. That's part of it.

[40:13]

You are not going to do this without this happening. That's just part of it. Now you're going to go on and walk down there and offer incense and start talking. So it's helpful to have other people encourage you. I never would have done this. I would not have volunteered to do this. So to have my teachers say, would you please give a talk, was extremely, was a great gift, as it turns out. So if you let other people invade your space, it's a very good thing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if you can cut through it and see how it always causes suffering. Right, right.

[41:14]

Right, right. It's, it is a two, it is a two-edged sword or it is a two-aspect. All things have these double aspects. And the trick, the trick is seeing the illusion of the whole process. The whole thing is an illusion that there really isn't a two-edged sword. a two-edged sword. Suffering. I mean, that's the trick, you know. But that's a big one because we really hurt and it's really painful. And, you know, I can imagine all kinds of things that I am not going to not suffer over. I was telling someone the story of the Zen master whose wife had died of many, wife of many years and he was wailing and pounding a drum and the monk said, if it's all an illusion, why are you crying? And he says, yes, it's an illusion but it's a very sad illusion. So we have that, that double aspect always. You know, we, we don't want to just be outside of desire, no more desire, I'm done with desire, gone, you know.

[42:29]

We intentionally go in there. The Buddha intentionally went back into the burning house for the sake of others. The trick is, what's your motivation? What's your vow? So then the suffering becomes in a very different order of suffering. You suffer for others, for the pain of others. It's no longer self-concern. The sense of a self is gone. You know, there's really just, how can I help you? And then that's, it's a different order of question at that point. And that's sort of what the effort of a practitioner is about. I was struck here, you mentioned about judgment. And it seems that the less judgmental you are about yourself, perhaps more, you have the ability to be less judgmental about others.

[43:30]

Yet we're so judgmental about almost everything we do, we question, we have some doubts, faith doubts, can you talk about that? How do you get beyond the judgment of yourself? Well, I'm not sure you ever get beyond anything. You actually get completely into it. You know, you know what it, part of what's, I think, very helpful, and what I was also attempting to point out in my talk was how we think. It's this thinking. Enlightenment is about the end of wrong thinking. So judgment is just another example of wrong thinking. Are you really the worst person that ever, you know, walked on the face of the earth? No. You are not. So this thought is just a thought. This pea soup is too green.

[44:34]

What does that mean, it's too green? Well, it must be poisoned. Well, just because you're thinking it doesn't mean it has anything to do with anything. You're thinking and the ingraspability of reality, you know, are just all part of one big set. You know, we just keep reaching out with our little thinking trying to figure out what's going on, but that's not what's going on, just what we're thinking. We don't know, we can't figure out what's going on. It drives us crazy. I don't know what's going on. I don't know who I am. I don't know who you are, but you're wonderful. And I think I must be wonderful. You know, even though I'm afraid to say so. And that's just what my therapist has been telling me for years. Low self-esteem is just the flip side of how great you think you are, you know. Oh yeah, that's right.

[45:35]

So, you know, we really just want to look at how all that plays out. What are we leaving out? And notice what you're thinking. Really notice it. Listen to the words in your own mind. The tone of voice. Who does that remind you of? Where did you hear that first? Grandma? Mom? We're just kind of playing back something that has, we want to lose its grip on us. We want it to get a little bit back away. So we study it. Study is the bumper that gives us some space between the thing that's going on and how we feel about that thing. It's like, what is going on? You can also say doubt. I'm not so sure. I wonder. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay.

[46:58]

Okay. I'm sorry. Balance? Well, you know, the fundamental insight of no separation between self and other is kind of the, you know, what do you call it? That comes first. That's the chicken that comes first. You know, that there is no real separation, that what I'm imagining as myself is precisely you, precisely green,

[48:30]

precisely spring, precisely, you know, it's always arriving. Myself is arriving continuously in the form of you, in the form of color, in the form of sound. So there's no wall there. There's no place to stand back or aside or out of. So in that sense, when you get a glimmer of that, then anything you're doing to benefit yourself is benefiting others. That's what, they're just the same thing. You know, you're included. This one doesn't, isn't out of the and do. You know, I'm well supported by the world. We all are, you know. So then our work is to take care of what's outside. And that way you make a net of concern

[49:31]

where everyone's held. You mentioned suffering along with others. I'm not sure I understand that. What is it? What can you do? Well, you know, it's, I think it's real natural for us to suffer for the little animal that got hit by the car Read the Chronicle any day of the week. The homeless people on the street. It's very painful. It's very painful. Really painful. Then you, you know,

[50:32]

feel sorry for you. Poor you. You get included. Poor me. You know, this is really hard. And I'm going to keep working with it. You know, so in a way you, you find what the circumstances are that you're in and then you ask yourself, so what's the practice with these circumstances? How do I practice with these circumstances? If you're involved in the precepts, what do the precepts tell me about these circumstances? Do I yell out the window, you dirty scumbags? No. So you, you refer back to the practices and your intention of relating to the world around you and the pain that you perceive in your own life. And magic does happen. I mean, it's kind of amazing. Did you all see Shakespeare in Love? I love that line. He keeps saying, you know, well, I don't know either, but it's magic or something? It's a mystery.

[51:33]

It's a mystery. You know? And it, it always works out. The theater of life, you know, it's a mystery. It's a very loving film, I thought. It kind of conveyed that, and we don't know, but we just keep stepping forward with our best, our best effort and wisdom. And, it may be years from now when that neighbor says, you know, something, maybe. Or never. I mean, I don't want to get your hopes up. Lifetimes. This, this question of, you know, how do I practice applies to me in the situation that I'm in. I'm benefiting others in the form of, you know, family

[52:35]

versus community versus many of these enlarging circles of self. And, I find myself often getting caught jumping off of self-concern here and putting self-concern on my partner. Taking care of my partner at the expense of, you know, what's beyond that. Or, taking care of my work group at the expense of what's beyond that in these circles of, protection. And, I identify with and just continue that same cycle of suffering, really. Under the guise of benefiting others. And, it's really challenging, especially if it's one with my partner.

[53:36]

You know, where do I how do I take care of her and also go to let go because I really not know how to handle myself. Well, you don't. So that's one way. And, also it just, I mean, I was listening to you and I thought, this is the sweetest music to my ears because you're already trying to do it. You're already talking about taking care of others and, how do I do that? It's like, you know, I'm not going to worry about you. You know? So that's, that's the idea is that that's your motivation and you're worried about that. That's, it doesn't get better than that. And you might get more skillful you know, juggling oranges. You know, we're all trying to do that. Like Reb said

[54:37]

one time, you know, I just get good at juggling 11 oranges and then somebody hands me number 12 and that's all that's going to ever happen. Here's number 89. You know? And then you die. Surrounded by oranges. Beautiful. All right. What is,

[55:47]

what are you, do you have an example of what you're thinking of? When you say a thousand? A case? That's merchandising. That's, that's a professional expression. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. That's a, it depends, you know, I mean, one of the eightfold path is right livelihood. So, merchandising can be very wholesome. I mean, if you're selling, you know, Dharma books or whatever, I mean, you can be doing some really wonderful work in the world. So, but you have to be careful, you know, what am I, it may be your talent. So, that's great, you know, you go ahead and enter your talent, but then you still have all these questions. You're answerable to the same list of precepts that the rest of us are. So, I don't think there's any limitation in the sense of

[56:48]

what particular talent you have or what predilections you have. You know, we're all really different. If we all said what we did for a living, it'd be amazing, you know. But it's because we chose that. It's sort of, that was our flow. So, how do you see what your flow, how that comes to, into the container of Buddhist teaching? Everything fits. There's nothing that doesn't fit. We have to be careful. We can't trick ourselves, and I think all of you by now are probably aware of this book, Alexander of War. A lot of tricking going on there. That's not Buddha Dharma. Even a child knows that. So how'd that happen? We need to study that too. How did that happen? I'm reading that book cover to cover. Suffering.

[58:02]

Suffering. Suffering is a great feedback. It's like the red light on your dashboard, you know. This is terrible. I'm in pain. Something's wrong. So something's out of balance for you. Meditation is really good. I mean, I don't know how many of you take it seriously or actually do it, but it's really good. It's really good. It actually gives you a chance to settle. That thing I was talking about of sitting in the dark, inhaling, exhaling, that's meditation. It's a beautiful thing to do. Very, very the ultimate vacation. And it's the resource that helps you to sort out the rest of it. Because the world looks very different

[59:05]

from inside of your experience of meditation. You know, after I've been sitting here in the morning and I go outside, it's just beautiful what I see, you know. It takes a while for it to wear off. So, you can renew that appreciation of life and the simplicity by letting your mind quiet down and see what's really there, what you really want to do before you are already doing it. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds good. I know it.

[60:05]

Does anyone know? Brian Victoria. Brian Victoria. We have it in the bookstore. Sometimes helping can be invasive. I think it has to be more spontaneous. Also, be a part of it. In other words, it's not just the problem for him or herself. I just feel because I've been able to use an example of someone who's trying to help other young men, she's totally invasive, not connected to their needs and so on. Yeah, yeah, I know. That's not what

[61:08]

we call help. That's not real helping. That's maybe some kind of seeking or some kind of out of balance. It's another kind of frustration of our practice is that, as Suzuki Roshi said, tough on yourself and really easy on everybody else. So part of what happens when you're doing this, especially in monastic training, is you're asked to keep your eyes down and not watch other people's behavior, which is very hard because that's my favorite thing. You know, how am I going to make all those judgments if I don't watch what they're doing? So, you know, so it's really, first and foremost, that you see how you are functioning. Where am I coming into this situation and with what? How am I meeting this situation

[62:09]

that I'm in? And part of what's really painful about beginning practice, middle practice and practice, is noticing your own ways that you are being mean to people and all the stuff that you're doing that you really wish you wouldn't. So there's plenty of material here, always, to keep you really well occupied. And then the effort to actually extend kindness to others, especially others who are so irritating that it's unbelievable, is really the challenge of practice. That's the practice. The situation is, this person's driving me nuts. The practice is kindness. Good morning. I bought you some chocolate. You know? And what's really weird is, you can change people, you know, without their knowing it. They may never

[63:10]

even be conscious of what happened just there, you know? That's okay. But there was this old woman that I lived with for about a year who was really cranky, and she used to crank on me all the time. And the more I got into hating her and wanting to get revenge, you know, on not making her soup taste good or whatever I did to really try to hurt her, just nothing changed. And then I read something in a Buddhist book about giving gifts to demons. And I went out and I shopped and I bought her the most beautiful thing that I could find. It was this little ceramic of a gift package. It was really beautiful, and I had it, I wrapped it, and I left it on her chair. And, you know, we had like about a month of heaven together. She was in tears, just in tears, you know, and her softness toward my gift opened my heart. So we had this really lovely period of relief.

[64:11]

And it didn't last forever, but it was very nice. And I got faith in that, the possibility of change. And so, when I realized that, I thought to myself, geez, so, that was a great, great, great discovery, a great act of work. And I think there's a

[65:45]

real difference between training and what I'm suggesting, which is, in a sense, the ultimate outcome of an enlightened vision, that there is no self or other, is the Buddha's vision. So, in Zen training, you actually start with the Buddha's enlightenment vision. That's the paradigm that we establish. You're already Buddha. This very mind is Buddha. They talk like that. So, of course, we don't believe that or we don't see that or whatever, but that's where you're starting. You're starting at the top and then you work with bringing that up until you actually do see that or believe that. And if you look in the Lotus Sutra again, there's the parable of the prodigal son, whose father, he's left home and forgotten who he is, which is our situation. And his

[66:46]

father sees him after he's wandered for years in the countryside and he recognizes him and he says, my son, and the kid runs away, he thinks he's going to be killed. So then the Buddha disguises himself as a beggar and comes and talks to the boy and says, well, would you like to shovel horse manure in my palace? This is literally, this is actually what it says. And the kid says, yeah, I can do that. So he gives him a shovel and he lets him work in the stables. And as the years go by, he gets to take care of the horses, he gets to take care of the farm, and pretty soon he's the manager of the farm. And then the Buddha says as he's dying, actually, you're my son, will you please take care of all of this? And at that point, the man knows who he is. There's no longer this denial. But it actually requires, and that's where skill and means comes, that you, you know, excuse me for saying so, but we give the guest students a broom

[67:46]

and ask them to clean the toilets and all that sort of thing. It's like, please just start where you feel like you're worthy to start. It's not true. You could give the lecture next Sunday, it's okay with me. Will you do that? No, I can't do that, you know. Okay, well then would you do that? Okay, I'll do that. So you actually meet people where they are and then work with them. It takes a while in a training. Monasteries are basically, I think, training in this parable of the Lotus Sutra, the Prodigal Son. I think that's exactly what they're about, to build you up to the point where you can accept who you are. But you haven't changed. You were there in the beginning and you're there at the end. You know, you just, you understand differently and that understanding becomes what you are. You are what you understand. So, at some point, it's not about the thought, but it is the realization that I'm not the same person, and that I'm part of a group of people, and that's that, and that's where it comes from.

[69:05]

Yeah, it's your vision, but it's everyone's vision. It's not, it's not, you're not limited to some idea of a person, and you see that and thereby connect to everyone. I didn't make this. This miracle of awareness doesn't belong to me. We all share it. Of life. It doesn't belong to me. We all share it. It belongs to all living things. And by extension the entire universe. No, you can't hurt it. You can't hurt it. The pearl has no hollows. The gem does not need to be polished. That was that poem that I... Yeah. What time is it? Does somebody know?

[70:34]

I have... Five years ago, I was told to go outside and sit behind a mirror and meditate. And it was only in the time that I was on a merchant bus, and I walked into those houses. At the time I was photographing, I was on a merchant bus, and I was meditating. And through the lens of the camera, I saw this lava on the road, and I realized that I was lost. That I wouldn't realize when I start flying around. And I'm not looking through the lens, and I do not see it. Sitting in front of the mirror. Hmm. [...] And the butterfly? Yeah. What is that?

[72:10]

What is that? Never. Well, I am other people. What are you talking about? Well, you have to do this little training program. That's the only hitch here. Otherwise, it's open to everybody. And that way, it is open to everybody. But, you know, I could be wrong. Things change. Can you talk about the desire to shop? Being bored? Sometimes, I think, it's the desire. I don't know how to explain it. Desire and seeking. Being bored.

[73:16]

Desire. Desire to survive. Bored. How do you pass that? Yeah. Well, I don't think boredom goes away as a phenomenon of your experience. You know, I think it arises like hunger and various other things. But you learn to accept things as they arise with some knowledge that this too shall pass. All things are impermanent. You know, so if you're bored, and you're kind of tricked into taking action in order to not deal with the fact you're bored, or to look at boredom, or to wait, be patient. You know, the practice is patience. The situation is, I'm bored. Well, the practice is, in that case perhaps, is patience. Or effort.

[74:19]

I heard one time that depression... I don't know if this is true, but depression is a kind of laziness. That you're not taking any action to move out to some effort. Well, I can. I'm too depressed. So it's a kind of self-defeating... So, I mean, the Buddha taught all this stuff to bored, lazy, restless, angry, greedy people. That's who he was talking to. That's who we're all talking to, is to ourselves, about our situation. Boredom is a very common phenomenon for all of us. So maybe next time, instead of, you know, getting the car keys, you could just sit down, and watch. What happens if I just get really bored?

[75:21]

Well, I think that's what zazen is, you know? Can you believe sitting for 40 minutes with nothing to do? In Tassajara, it's really interesting. Some people come to Tassajara, and... I mean, I've been doing this for long enough that I'm sort of... I forget how amazing it is for somebody to not have a radio on, or the TV on, or to be talking. You know, that... There was a... Oh my, there was somebody I know. My niece, I said to her, Please come as my guest in the guest house. I'd love to have you. She's this lovely, vivacious young woman, you know, full of life and so on. I said, you know, I'd be so happy if you'd come. She said, Oh, can I bring my VCR and my... And I said, Well, actually, no, it's a quiet house. I said, What do you do there? I need my music. I said, Well, actually, you can't really do that. Just be quiet. She said, I can't do that. So there is a kind of space between being able to sit quietly for 40 minutes,

[76:26]

and this idea that you can't possibly do that. You've done that many times. You've confronted your boredom. It's an alternative. You actually face it. I mean, you could try it at home. You know? Off the record. You're bored. Sounds right. I've heard it's also the deadliest, kind of the deadliest phenomenon in our assortment, for our practice. Because it's so lumpy and sluggish.

[77:33]

I hate it when kids say, I'm bored. The whole world is out there. You're bored. How can you be bored? I heard a mother do a warm-up session. One of her kids said they were bored. She said, I'm bored. Very soon, they didn't get bored very much anymore. Actually, kind of the opposite. I heard it was a high state. Because you're not mad. But it's false. Well, I think that's why they consider it the deadliest barrier in your practice. Because it's very close to quiescence. But there's that gnawing. And boredom has a kind of gnawing quality. You want something to happen. There's an unsettled quality. But I think it's true that it's getting close to quiescence to release. It's kind of a near enemy of peace. Real peace.

[78:37]

I feel like there's a continuum. There could be dance and there could be boredom. And in that, it's just a step away from completion. Realization is possible. And that's that feeling, that depression. You want to stop it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Distraction. That makes sense. So you don't have to feel the pain. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Avoid the pain. Well, why don't you all have a nice day?

[79:39]

Thank you for coming. Lunch is in about 15 minutes.

[79:43]

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