Good evening again. A couple of people have asked me if I'm nervous tonight and I just said to Adrian, compared to how nervous I was when I first started lecturing, not at all. And so a little bit, but today I read in a book in the bookstore, that little book we have about Suzuki Roshi. Maybe all of you have read it, but there was a story in there about it. a young Japanese Shinto priest who came to America somewhere on the West Coast back when Suzuki Roshi was first teaching in San Francisco. And he was very discouraged because of the difficulty he had communicating with the American-born Japanese people. He knew very little English, but he went to a talk by Suzuki Roshi and was quite inspired because he said, Suzuki Roshi said, Today is... Today is... Today is today.

[01:09]

Today is not... Yesterday. Today is not tomorrow. That is all. And then he bowed and left. So the young Shinto priest was quite inspired and thought, I can do it. So Tassajara is a very special place. I think probably all of you have experienced that. And when you first come to Tassajara, there is often a feeling of freshness and space and nurturing. And for those of you who have been here for a while, and sometimes not such a very long while,

[02:17]

we usually begin to realize that at Tassajara you run right into yourself. And often when that happens, we begin to think, why am I here? What did I come here for again? And the way Tassajara works, the way the day kind of rolls along, can add to that feeling of, wait a minute, did I come here just to make beds? Did I come here just to wait on tables? I could do that somewhere else and be making more money. And those two things seem to go together. the difficulty, the cloudiness of remembering what did I come here for and the running into the same old me that I've found in other places that perhaps some of which I came here hoping to get rid of, to be perfectly blunt about it.

[03:28]

So I wanted to talk tonight a little bit about one way of looking at what, if you come here for a little while, if you come here actually with the purpose, with the intention of practicing, whatever that might mean, one way of what that might be, one way of explaining what that might be. There's a saying, the entire universe is the dharma body of the self. The entire universe is the dharma body of the self. The dharma body could mean the teaching body or the learning body. There's a paradigm that I sometimes think of.

[04:39]

I've told some of you about it. A way of sort of looking at the universe. There's the universe. Here it is, you know, all around us. This swirling mass of karmic energy. It's a karmic energy... Karmic means energy. There's all the energy in the universe, and karmic means it comes from things that have happened before, and it's causing what happens next. So this karmic energy is very responsive. It's like, Something happens and it changes a little bit. So this whole universe could be seen as just kind of swirling karmic energy, energy that's been created by, you know, however long the universe has been around.

[05:42]

and is continuing and changing. And this energy kind of coagulates into various bodies. And some of those are human bodies. So here we are, a bunch of human bodies, which could be seen as a kind of coagulation of universal karmic energy. And each one of our bodies has a little different formula, a little different recipe of universal karmic energy, you know, a little this amount of hate and this amount of greed and this amount of, you know, various things, this amount of artistic ability, all that sort of gets put together in a body here and a body here and a body here. But the energy is really universal energy.

[06:44]

And this particular human life that goes from conception to death, and then we're not sure what, how long this, exactly what the beginning and end of this human life is, is a in this paradigm is a chance to allow this universal karmic energy to disentangle a little bit. Now, it can also get more tangled and often does, as you may have noticed. Something happens and we get upset about it and we find ourselves in a situation where somebody has to talk to us, we have to talk to somebody, or various things happen. But it is also possible, even in the midst of those situations and through those situations, for this universal karmic energy to disentangle, is one way of saying it, to become sort of more free-flowing, more available, so that it isn't just so habitual.

[08:03]

So that when... Over the weekend, my two daughters came home to Jamesburg, and they both came home just this weekend. So, you know, only my husband and I are there now. Most of the time when we have ways of doing things, like I have gotten him to, on the weekends, basically we eat what I like. Here I am at Tassajara, I eat whatever they give me. It's all fine. Go to Jamesburg, no. One thing I really don't like is uncooked globby onions and things. But my daughter, both of my daughters are cooks, so when they come home, they take over the kitchen, and I am very happy to have them cook. However... They're out of control. They insist on doing things in their own way.

[09:04]

And it was so interesting to watch. My daughter made some tofu salad. And she used up all the tofu in the refrigerator. And it had uncooked globby onions in it. It was very interesting to sort of watch this. my kitchen, my tofu, gone for the weekend. So that's karmic energy. And we could call it my karmic energy. And there is a truth to that. But there also is a kind of universalness to this kind of territorial, my tofu energy. And there's a usefulness to seeing it as more universal. Not all the time, because then we can There's a danger to it, too. As with most things, there's a usefulness and a danger to it.

[10:07]

The danger is we can then not take any responsibility for it. But the usefulness of it is to counter our normal obsession, attachment to this person being perfect in some way. You know, like it's It is very hard for us to really admit the kind of responses that we have to things, to just let them be and not be, you know, alas, I had a horrible thought. We feel terrible about the kinds of things that we think and feel. And for good reason. They can be quite harmful, actually. But that wanting, if we're honest, I think really wanting to be perfect, having very little patience with this particular karmic body and mind not being whatever we have conveniently decided is perfect.

[11:18]

So to see it as some of the universes that I, whatever that is, coagulated over here in this body and mind with this portion of the universe's energy, and can I be with it in such a way that it has a possibility of disentangling? And that's one way of describing, I think, what is going on here at Tassajara. It's giving us this space, this very particular space, this space that is set up in this way to help us be there with this energy and allow it to disentangle. And one of the things that that takes is backing up a little bit from our idea of how it should be. That's how we normally meet the world. We look at something and immediately we get an idea of how it should be.

[12:26]

almost anything, but especially things that have to do with me and mine. I look at it and I think, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too oniony. It's too loud, it's too soft, it's many things, and it should be something else. So to actually allow this energy to disentangle, it takes backing off from that, it should be like this, and allowing it to be what it actually is. There's another story of a student, a Zen student asked a teacher, when hundreds and thousands and myriads of things all come at once, what should be done? And the teacher said, don't try to control them. What he meant was, however things come,

[13:30]

Don't try to change them. That doesn't mean don't interact with them. It doesn't mean don't have a response to them, but don't let them arise the way they are. Whatever myriad things come, this is still part of the quote, it's from Dogen. Whatever myriad things come, they are actually Buddha Dharma. They're not objects at all. They're Buddha Dharma. Again, the Dharma body, the universe is the Dharma body of the self. Whatever things come are Buddha Dharma, meaning they are teachings of the Buddha. And even if you try to control them, they can't be controlled. That's what Dogen says. But you can try it out for yourself. go ahead, try to control it. I'm sure you have. And sometimes, you know, even with a little bit of success, like something can look like it's controlled, you know, like my husband or my daughter, and then they like pop out somewhere, you know, especially if you try to control a little tighter and then it's, no, I won't.

[14:43]

And the most, uh, uncontrollable in a way, because we can experience it more closely, is this karmic body and mind, this thing that we call our self. It really is quite out of control. Many of those hundreds, thousands, myriads of things actually come from the inside. There are all those things coming from the outside, and then comes our response to them from the inside, and more myriads of out-of-control things. What should be done? What should be done? We sometimes quite literally have that thought, I think, when we're in stress of some kind. The thought that comes up for us is, what should I do? Try to remember next time you have that thought, what should I do? Nothing. Don't do anything. It doesn't mean you won't really do anything because we're so responsive. We're this bundle of karmic energy.

[15:47]

We will have a response. And that will be one more thing that's coming forward. But this idea that I should do something to control this comes from a very small, tight idea of keeping my world under control. After 9-11, I was lecturing in Carmel pretty soon after. It was hard to know what to say. The night that I was there, we were doing the full moon ceremony. We did it before the lecture. the first part of that full moon ceremony says, all my ancient twisted karma from beginningless greed, hate, and delusion, born through body, speech, and mind, I now fully avow.

[16:53]

And you repeat that three times. And there was some relief in that, actually. You know, that this event that we were all, you know, as you remember, reeling with the response to and this such a feeling of Danger and separateness and you know the crazy crazy world out there out there, right? something about that all my ancient twisted Karma I Now fully avow that this that I'm actually not separate from this event Somehow this event is my own personal Karma, and I'm a part of it and what I Do how I respond to my everyday life? Actually does have some impact even if I can't see exactly what that is. I'm not like just a little You know, I don't know a toadstool just came to mind just a little toadstool, you know sitting there in the road waiting to be stepped on by many many bad forces and

[18:07]

No, I'm an active toadstool. I'm actually participating in this. Not that I know what to do exactly, but I am doing. I am constantly doing. So to acknowledge that and avow that and try to be there for those responses and allow them, you know, don't try to control them, which is, in a way, the best way for them to not be out of control in a harmful way, to kind of make a container where my responses can happen in a way that doesn't harm, you know, where... I think that our... Fear of our own response and our distaste for our own response is what causes most of the, if not all, of the suffering in the world.

[19:21]

That something happens and I have a response and I don't like that response, like it's pain, you know, it hurts me. So I have a response that is pain. I don't like that. So then I try to get rid of what has caused me pain rather than being willing to have the pain and then from that place of being willing and able, which takes some time and practice, to have that pain from there to be able then to respond in whatever my... again, karmic body and mind and intellect, determined is the most beneficial way to respond. It's very different. It's the difference between just habit, you know, just happening. Something painful happens and I do whatever my habit is. And we have our various habits for getting away from painful responses.

[20:24]

You know, some people get angry. Some people... turn into bullies. Some people cry. Some people drink. We have our various ways of getting away from pain. But if we can actually stay there for the pain, then there's the chance of responding in a more beneficial, even way. Do you have anything you want to say? I can go on and say some more, but maybe stop and see if there's anything that anyone wants to ask or say here. No? Okay. So I started with, what are we doing here at Tassajara?

[21:33]

Excuse me. What are we doing here at Tassajara, those of us who have been here long enough to forget? Some of you came and you know you're just trying to have a few days relaxing. That's fine. That's great. Please do that. Enjoy the food. Enjoy the baths. May Tassajara benefit you greatly. But if you've been here long enough to start wondering, what am I doing here? And start running into yourself. Providing a situation where this kind of container, this kind of being willing to be the karmic energy that arises. And again, it's not just willing, it's actually able.

[22:35]

It's not so easy to be the karmic energy that arises. If we look at what happens inside ourself, it's pretty complex. often kind of scary. You know, what can come up? What kind of hate? What kind of pain? What kind of fear? So the capacity to actually stay I'll say stay present with, but that doesn't mean that we have to like, again, being present is not controlling. It doesn't mean I have to keep my mind around everything that's happening there, but basically to be able to be there and be somewhat relaxed with our responses takes some time. So I think this is one of the main things

[23:38]

effects of Zazen, actually, of sitting Zazen, is that over time some balance develops. Some actual physical, but also mental, emotional balance develops where we can have our habitual responses. Where they can actually, they can come up and, you know, and you can see... Onions, yuck. Daughters who should have been taught better. And you can see this response come up, and you can feel that something's wanting to come out of your mouth. But you can see that this probably will not be a beneficial thing to say. So then, actually, you can stay there with that and let the old tofu salad sit there in front of you and make a decision about whether you're going to eat it or not and whether you're going to say anything about it or not and when you're going to say it, like later you can say.

[24:52]

if you want to use all the tofu in the refrigerator, could you next time keep the onions on the side without that extra charge, you know? So this can begin to happen, that we can have that kind of actual, I think it's a kind of balance of a physical balance and a balance of energy that allows us to just give ourselves a little more time to look for the appropriate response. It's a very different way of looking at the world to think the universe is the dharma body of the self.

[26:09]

To actually think that the whole universe is somehow You know, me. Me in that it is acting and moving and this bundle of energy is responding to that quite intimately responding to it. Usually we like to think that somehow we could get away from part of it. You know, if we could just figure out the right plan, there are certain parts of the universe that we would never have to deal with again. It's a nice idea, but I don't think it's that way. And in fact, it sort of clouds our vision. Again, whenever anything's in front of us, we are...

[27:14]

seeing it, but at the same time we're sort of focused on what it should be. And we get very confused, you know, about what's reality there. We start to think that with just a little, you know, adjusting, things could come in. It's kind of like we're having, you know, a little bit of double vision or something. There's a shadow there and we think, I could just like push things over this way a little bit. They'd be into the should-be realm. We need to start recognizing this should be is imaginary. It's not there. It's just made up. And what's there is actually there. It's not stuck. What's there is not stuck. It's moving all the time. But to have this kind of imaginary thing that we're comparing it to, and what we do this the most with is ourself. And it's so subtle that we hardly even notice it. Anything happens, and the should-be self is like right there.

[28:19]

And then we think, this is who I really am, except for if my parents hadn't brought me up that way or if that person wasn't standing there saying that to me, I'd be like this. So to get to recognize that shadow should be thing that's so real to us and sort of put it in its place, which is the imaginary realm. And from there, we can come back to what's actually there at this moment and kind of settle in this constantly moving universe, you know, constantly moving universe. So that's what I think we're doing here at Tassajara, or at least one way of describing what we're doing here at Tassajara. And what's to be said about that? Here we are. There we go.

[29:21]

Let's go do it. Would anyone like to say anything before I end? Yes, Aston. Yeah, all that stuff I just said. So if we're impatient, then what? Well, if we're impatient, we want to be able to respond to all these karmic energies. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I understand that. Yes. Sorry. Well, you know, I say somewhat... facetiously, but actually I also believe this, that, let me say as a disclaimer, first of all, this is the only practice I know. I haven't done any other practices.

[30:24]

I haven't read very much, some, but basically I've been at San Francisco Zen Center, mostly Tassajara for a million years for my adult life. And I know that there are many other wonderful practices out there. So I know that. In spite of that, I'm going to say I think this is the most effective practice, the most efficient practice, actually, because when you sit down in Zazen, you might have noticed they don't tell you what to do, right? You sit there and you think, what am I doing now? What am I supposed to do? So while you're sitting there, because you haven't been told to do anything else, what comes to you is exactly what you need to come to you. So there you are, immediately, right in the middle of whatever habitual mind states you need to meet in order to develop the capacity to be upright with them.

[31:28]

You know, you can be impatient. That's probably one of those mind states. But in fact, you actually are meeting the whole universe every moment. And the most you can do is just, like, try to notice it. And impatience fits right in there. That's fine. You can try to notice it, too. Anything else? Yes. Steven. Whatever fits the situation. Would you like to be more... What determines whatever fits the situation? Who decides? Whether it's... Beneficial. And nobody decides. In fact, I think we do decide various things all the time. We spend a lot of time saying, oh, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that. But we don't know.

[32:31]

We really don't know. I've seen many situations where somebody says, I shouldn't have said that. And then the other person that they said it to will come to me and say, that was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. You know, I hated it right at the moment, but then I learned, you know, so we don't really know what the most helpful thing to do is, and yet we can't use that as an excuse for trying to hurt someone. So, you know, we have to try not to cause pain, and yet just being close to somebody, you know, your elbow's going to poke them in the side at some point, so... The most appropriate response is one that does not come from grasping. It's one that arises just as a response. It doesn't come from grasping at an identity. Okay? For now. Anything else?

[33:32]

Okay, thank you very much. I look forward to practicing the rest of the summer with those of you that are going to be around and the rest of tonight and tomorrow with those of you that are going to be here that long. Thank you very much.

[33:52]

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