Tokubetsu Sesshin

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where are they to be up on a seat
in fact that we've been coming up listening to the previous park
where have been
many things said
they past two weeks
when i don't really feel adequate
whereas i can relate to address with group
and i don't really know what i'm going to say
and i'm a little bit frightening the what i might say
because in a group like this is very easy i think
do not be sensitive
we have people from all over the world here and then cultures
and when we sit together with practice together with your key and we do service we do that them
it flow really beautiful
in fact i was thinking that this has been better than any group therapy
but we could have done for the path too weak to heal
hum of the room
and from a wall
problem that i've created
just practicing together like
and probably
for me
are the more profound effect the the to week has been the opening of communication
and the dropping of any kind are ill feeling
have any kind of bad feeling that maybe i've been highbury
maybe somebody has been harboring to
what i mean think's the very beginning
oh well i call my own practice
the most important thing has been sitting
i came upon then not by reading not by hearing about them i didn't know anything about them
the simply i was having a difficult time and my own personal life
when i had to get some faith and i think all you can relate to that
for i went with to friend route into the desert
the mojave desert
and we were hiking around and having a good time and somehow we got separated and i found myself climbing a mountain
and that's what i seem to enjoy doing when i go great with crime novel i went up on this mountain
i was sitting contemplating
my life contemplating difficulties our then
and thinking about a question of life and death
how come like death and life
and where is home
home i hadn't read anything about buddhism as and i didn't know that maybe the question should have been aware of my original the bathroom where home
and i can see the van my vw camper crap out there and i thought well that's where i'm spending the night maybe that home
well i thought back to my home in long beach or maybe at home
and then something
why am i realize
i am home
live with home
wherever i am a whole
how can i ever leave home
what with that shift or whatever that was i filled to the bed with twenty four years ago i don't know what to call it
i realized that the empire direction of my life
but in the wrong direction
it was all about winning
trying to gain thing i an actually try to gain position money
and security
when i realized that
is completely empty
completely empty
i got the only thing that has any mean
the really that knowing oneself or whatever we call it waking up
right then it became a natural thing
it seem to want to share rat
with anyone ever
when when i reflect on this to cadets is a shame
that's what keeps coming back to me why are we feel
for me the constant corn
here's how to transmit
chris barn with teaching of awakening
to alan
now we can say nothing to transmit
because in fact that true
in a way
but how can we create a situation a practice or setting and environment a context
have the opportunity to awaken from our dream
from i renewed
i want thing for sure we have to take into consideration the time the play and the people involved
i have two children
and their mother
a chinese
now my children are children live in the country
of course is a very natural instinct
the oliver
to wish
somehow to continue our life on
to survive
and they are various ways that we can do that
one of them is by having children
we live on through our children we pass on our name we pass on our dreams we pass on our look through our children and it gives us a sense of meaning and purpose in life
but if my wife former wife
hope that in five six veneration
where her defendant nick like her
i'm afraid to be varied
could he wouldn't be alive by
because a chance is growing up in the country
the them to look chinese and five generations is pretty slim
and yet we're facing the very same call on here
it's completely understandable and natural
that the dharma spending so much time with so many people giving their lives surrendering their line to ensure that this show about this true dharma to transmit
it it
transmitted proper
it is only natural
and with great compassion
that is a teacher wants to be sure that what takes root in our soil not only here in america but also in europe australia new zealand canada mexico south america is the genuine thing
but also just to to sure we all realize when permanent
we all realize that nothing
this table nothing
i met this dharma
then it's appearance is going to change
when his dharma was transmitted from india to china within six generation is changed drastically
and again
when the dharma was transmitted from china to korea china to japan kitchen
not the assets and this is what we have to be sure that the essence
he's not diluted
get the glasses when we pour from one container to the other it could be the best wine the best champagne
but if the glass good
with the glass is not really clean and prepare properly it can become diamond
well we have to be sure that each vessel and that's what all of you are
vessel for this time for one athlete will
why don't you talk about a dime what is dying
to make it simple new on bank new i read and
what the only way to really bring that alive
we live through practice
and to practice where is realizing
and with realization that there can be truly
the actualization are the manifestation
how did he do that
whoa of course we want to be sure that that essence is true that the spirit of xander not lot
hi my biggest fear
to be perfectly honest
is that we still could lose
we can't lose the dime
but somehow we might
it out
her genuine realization move as we can get caught up
what all kinds of limbs and lanes
and not get to the it
and i'd hate to see us to get so caught up
that what is most essential
and that responsibility is really up to each one a
i'm definitely find six generations down the line it is not going to look japanese
whether there's anyone here who are hoping that five six generations down the line it is going to are going to be very disappointed
curse maybe they will be alive
and yet we each have the responsibility to be sure that in this transformation in the transforming
we do not move what is most essential
i remember when it was time for me to me los angeles and center
when my last doctor with version
it was the last couple
he said to me
don't lose the point
don't lose a point
and being kind of not too bright
they do know is does it go at least we can fit
go retro we did we been fitting a lot
which brings up a whole nother point
and that is
that i would hate to see as get
so now mine did
that we think that the dharma you can only look a certain way
and can only be practiced in a certain way i hope we have big mind attitude
that in our mandola
there is room to embrace
all the various ways to transmit this time
and who are kind of people
that is not just one way monastic way
it so happens when doing a very monastic practice
when you come
but i see the consequences that we lot most of our lane member
they feel somehow inadequate because they can't sit as much as all a monk we have something like forty five forty a monk
and monks are sitting seven hours a day
heck i'm from of them had to go to work but very often as the schedule
until the late people throw at inadequate but i don't say that's the only way to practice in fact i don't even know that's the best way
we started off trying to be a lei from
and i would like somehow to be able to open it up more to the retired
can we do have made people practicing
that has been a problem and consumed
i would hope
that we have an attitude
where all the practices can be embraced and that there is room for all of them within photo them
how do lay people practice what is their future
is it possible for lay people to become teachers right now it's not so clear
what about women
we have many fine women pictured now but one of the common complaint good idea among women is that the practice is basically a male monastic model
no i'm not saying that as a male teacher
when i'm able to make those changes but i hope that i have enough trust
had enough faith in my female successor our successors right now if only one
to trust her to expound and express with to change in a way that feels really adequate and appropriate for her
right indirectly i am talking about transmission
right before my talk today
i told her to i could have approach if you wanna take a night off to feel free and could no no no
i can do your park and i said hershey i don't really feel of it
i'm going to give very good talk and his i have hundred percent competency
i was thinking
that is the
huh that's what i feel toward my sister
hundred percent
when however she expresses
hotel with his expression and
why is heart to heart
bradford my erosion has an insurance
graduate other countries
hey suzuki roshi when other here have been times
what are the subjects is about preset
hundred million
call it
do you think your premises seems
what is it to the present
and i don't know if i want to get into more the academic because i've been very well packed but i want to say something
about it
we start off with the
first three preset with your actually what we call the three treasures are three gym
i got first one is a a treasure
what is the treasure wouldn't you do that treasure
hey i think i'd like to say is that the more we practice
the more you begin to really appreciate your life as north life
how we could say as a good the treasure
as the people
and more difficult hardship
we go through
i the more you have that faith or trust in yourself to face
whatever it is that comes up whatever it is a corner
to be willing to face that needing to invited
even the more i believe frightening thing feeling the emotion
the fact that was meant by having no fear not that we shouldn't have here
don't have fear about facing
be fearless about facing whatever is coming up
i had tremendous fear coming up here and facing all of you without note
that's why did it
huh i had a lot of fear about coming to this one month took a back issue
why did
have that faith or trust
to face whatever in your life is the next day to her
and to go into it computer
whatever it is they could anger
to go into that anger completely if it's jealousy
the go into it complete
whereas may i was facing exactly that jealousy
it seems like such a petty little finger to be jealous we we a dog the all the time but somehow because we don't really let ourselves go into the various emotions one hundred percent completely the one with a totally
we actually rob ourselves as the petro of the of the gasoline
who completely
drop iphone
to die
because in every emotion we have that opportunity to completely cure
when the thing is that usually were too frightened to go into it completely be too afraid of losing that control
we have the opportunity every moment fact we are dying every month
and we have that opportunity to die of them
and the only thing that keeps us from doing this is lack of faith
for every moment we have the opportunity to be reborn
where it's interesting the more we go in
to the various things in our life the more ordinary or normal we feel
what is it
i mean i do feel out of place up here
i feel more comfortable these days in a gym
a normal people
hey it's one reason that i've been standing three four five hundred and pay in a gym
one way to look at the buddha treasures what we call wow
one body
with that treasure
that is the german
and everything that happens in your life and everything that comes up in your life if nothing but a treasure
it's all opportunity to expand to grow
the movie on a limits and boundaries
everything is an opportunity
if we take it that way
i want everything can be seen as a hindrance for an obstacle for a barrier if we take it that way
and we could constantly faced new situations that are constantly expanding us if we will
it takes that fearlessness sweatshop
when the one who rely on the one who awaken
he's call new realize that true
jackie many british with before
hey anyone who realized
are awakened

then how do we live that how do we live that and a daily basis for a moment to moment
and these are those
i wake in the person
i'm in to
our the maintained good the treasure
of course how we live that that become the free
hinckley the more we become one with it the more you simply can not new certain things
hidden things that harm others and council of course we all heard people we all harm
even with the best of intentions
one reason i said i was very concerned about during this time because i know in giving the path i'm hurting
i'm upsetting
when we have would call download
and again what is the dharma get living through life
her life is the time the children
whatever comes out
whenever you're expressing is the manifestation of that dharma i made a system of how much faith in that it
and how deeply blue do we realize to be a fact
when we're very unsure and uncertain
when we need all kinds of control and devices to keep the control on herself
and the problem is isn't we try to control on it
out of that
how i feel like i'm parking lot of time
am i wanna talk about found and and i would open it up for class
is actually what i wanted a popular
the me at this point and it wasn't always true but at this point
hunger is the more interesting
it definitely was not true
and move back
when i think
i'm not really hit home for me just a few months it on federal house with shoe
i just went through a very difficult separation
and i was basically blown apart
i fell apart completely
you think after for many years of practice i should have been able to handle it better than i couldn't i didn't shoot it
when i was sitting there or hard to session
and i was thinking
when i gave up a relationship with a woman that i loved very very very much
i brought for what i looked at hundreds and on i said for this
her song
try giving up something really pressure for something very very
you know what to call it and be used founder
for the word sangha
and then i started looking around and i saw this person and as person
i love this person i love with her
i don't know that one so much but i love this person
and song i started to come along for me
saga is not just a lot of blank faces
how neat is precious human being
everyone at you
some a little bit maybe licenses and anymore but everyone a gem
i've got to appreciate
have in the video
we came up out of this
her lot with color
was how pressure maybe the more pressure
i'm definitely i know i've been very guilty of taking people's love for granted
we will do that take my mouth for granted as if it's how you are glued me
and i think it's only when we go through real hardship
real rejection real law that will be men to me
after even anything more pressure
when me
when the individual and they're not
an essential
that song
which one of you is
henleys transmission is a bad hard to hack
with to hard meeting were coming on clinton
and we always seem to have an opportunity if we
are willing to be aware and take it to really need had to hurt
he's a heart is open we can make her to her
but if we're covering it over concealing
with the mask with our fear with are worried am i being socially correct
am i looking proper my you know that the right veneer we can be frightened
here is risky business we might get into trouble
the pretty risky business
this is about had to have transmission
one of the word that was meant often used by roshi and all your over there
and we can really look at that word in many ways be intimate with one oneself
be internet with doesn't
be intimate with can be intimate with one another
why i like to open it up
i promise to didn't hear that i would do the channel for christmas and i wanted to start with that
i thought that was unfair to


had been here
well i can say the beginning for me one are things that most striking is the healing
where has gone on over the past to reach
literally there were people in the song that i haven't spoken to into and a half years
and not that we smoke much about our problems together but through practice they just seem to drop away
and i think that it's been a wonderful healing and fact roshi spoke about the word for
service was irritated or the in an etymological meaning for the ceremony ceremony of the ceremony wound healing to heal and true and i don't consider just the service the service i mean it's all servant weather
it's far more or york new york
sitting a all during services through this
there hasn't been feeling i feel
and also i mean lots of things have been coming up with it and do we will also
why i was a little worried what might come out of my mouth
when i see that all as in a way good and healthy
nothing wrong with a revolution here there
think it was thomas jefferson and february
ah has the ceremony inspired me
ha he met you mean like the original the services
not really
i feel more into it now than i did a few different difficult
and i know that because this is my third time due to the vegetation and it usually takes me about three weeks to get over the resistance
why we haven't hit the hit
well time wasn't your last week i can revisit
when i was a very bad student than the old days and i'm referring to
we don't really appreciate our our parents say until we have our own children
it's true to with i can choose
as i write know getting a lot of
what call it black or i was a good read that hundred can understand a lot of grief from my students i appreciate more and more degree and causing a teacher
he can to only hear from our position we when i like being here being a student again i have a lot of sympathy for my students and when i'm in front like i have a lot of sympathy for version
would be nice if together with around here
the other christian grant equal
yeah you know i want to say this that
what has been really inspiring for me
more than the former with meeting
the student
when the village fire
we're a freshly are be didn't mind
whether the various
and it made it go and i'm ready to go back and and the assuming in it basically and pretty much been pulling back on teaching but meeting real and more inspiring
anybody who

they bro
perhaps are very conservative to
no i haven't really changed much
i didn't come do this year i mean to right
utah salt lake
it looks pretty much like it doesn't see shepherd so
that change is inevitable and it will happen organically naturally you know and then either is a revolutionary inmate but in actual practice angry sometimes
and worked up and i say how important it is that we maintain the you know the tradition and that we we are
we have gratitude
towards the end i do now and towards are all the teachers who have passed on i mean great gratitude or
so i get upset when they weren't to just like you say throw everything out i won't let them at the same time i do feel open to that chain
and i feel that a lot of that change is going to happen written successive generation right my successor generous and say somebody you know her as catherine andrews when she'd been around since a good friend of our
tensions and
she's not going to do it the same way that version has done it or i do it and i already know pretty much of her successor it's gonna be and she's gonna be very different
the red change is going to have generation or veneration and with some teachers it's gonna be quicker or i think the key is the trust recreate know that when that dom is transmitted that there is one hundred percent confidence
right now this person is going to be an expression of that with the dharma and how they're going to do it we trust them
where could i trust him
where's that makes sense to

where are definitely to look within her but we know that
you might ask the question just that were home
where is home
honey windows

well okay okay what what okay
what i meant
when this jealousy came up i was in the middle of six weeks of receiving in europe and i didn't want to miss schedule so what he did it every night after the schedule was over around ten o'clock ah i sat all night and i sat and bow and satin bow and base
basically what i was sitting where to begin with with joseph
and i guess at what i did was i did visualizations and built up to jealousy to the worst thing i could possibly imagine to go into it more containment and then going into it more jealousy more paranoid coma and then of course all a bit more
and to a point where completely destroyed the i mean i just came right out
trying in is
on the floor you know ah
who are incapable of movement that wants to the
no not kept coming but close to it i ran you know non-functional
dysfunctional and yet what was so amazing was that when it was time to do morning tampon you should come in again pick a big pile i bought my face and go to ten car was time to go to guys on good guys on and kind of you park your car and set said
are you when at night this fall cunningham i went for six weeks
how but each time what you discover is more and more faith that you can go into this and neither behind
we could fall apart we gonna be all right
now you can lose everything you can you can be shattered when our really i we can still function was kind of function that's the beauty of our practice
and what it was time to go get new ten pounds for make bout i was so glad that there was a form
the go just reading to i remember one time i was making the bows and i brought it up this is amateur it's alex
everything i do the trip at least when i bow as closely to how my teacher bow at least it's not my trip it's history
and his teachers trip report and a distinctly superboy of at least it's not my own turf
it's still a trip and all things a trip
at least it's not right
and then made me appreciate doing as closely to you know the way it's done ran into them read through time
when i
think what what really
came clear to me with just appreciating
more than people more
i'm not thinking it's so granted and been very guilty
i think i rode in a people person that
i really feel that
i haven't appreciated now
people love kindness and trust
and i still feel guilty about that i mean and i still don't do it enough
what i'm doing like the
there's no eloquence
i'm nearsighted i kids