Tokubetsu Sesshin

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can i just hope that
this talk of be worthy enough for funny people is think
my z machine
and my peers and sanga

have you seen i've been
yeah i guess worth on my life and
i saw it in which young his book opening the hand of thought it was just a sentence
under this section of the way seeking mine
and it said active participation in loss
somehow that grabbed me
usually i'm the word loss we want to avoid at all cost and we recondition to
gain be happy here try to satisfy like all of our desires
but loss is the opposite of game you actually that's
with a jewel really is
active meaning that we are willing
and and we are committed and we have the courage
they were actively participating in loss
and this is a losses like death it's a hot streaks you don't want to talk about it's about personal failure it's about impairment see is about suffering is about fear etc
although sir
negative things that we somehow
it brought us here
and loss in life actually brought us here improvements in brought us here
in fact if went when we have a very a permanent life and how long you can have a permanent life but ah there's no need to come here because things are going in your way
but eventually and whether we are are studying
darn lower not studying diamond
because we have a mine and because we have a body where
subject to the undeniable condition of change
what happened to me in the last i took a better session
after this machine was finished
with a kind of for a blessing for me
when i went to say goodbye to a group of people
a gainsborough
as i stood there i twisted my ankle
and like a fool really a fool
i stood on it
and i i felt the pain
when i should have done was just sat down
but like a fool i stood there waving when i hated goodbye
goodbye to me either
where the go catch it
you know airport so i wasn't go off quickly and then after the car left
i hobbled back to the cabin and my foot was already just so big
and you know you hear about accidents and things happening to other people but you don't think it's gonna have pretty good for to me my still
and i heard a people like when they are breaking a bone is not so bad but spraining and ligaments and tendons that that's worse
and so i still didn't know that this had happened so i gotta stick and i walked around it stick
and at nighttime
there was a lot of pain he put more pain and and sit exhausted fell like a at night it if feel like i was being submerged
down the pain was so great and i remember it took me a long time just walk around the bed
and so i had to
i have some kind of treatment and then i was that way on crutches for four months
my leg did not get well
and so how how would i sit how would i come into the zendo in
of it hits it
the this is this is not what you wanna you wanna look good and your belt you know the form is significant
but my form was with crutches and they came in it creaked and i can just do so much now how was i gonna sit down i was sitting for a lotus before we're now i can't support quotas
so what understood as loan me a beach chair
and i put the beach chair
in my seat and i was afraid that further she would come in california has been a beach chair
crack as we come
but so i had to extend my foot and
learn how to sit
not not what i i want how i want to sit but learn exactly how to sit where i was
and that's quite a metaphor you have to do it without looking good
you have to do it in his loss
and so actually it got pretty good you could actually sit down in the beach chair and
and so therefore all my opinions and judgments
run away about people sitting in chairs or half lotus or says are it open or something new for me

just before this
a sentence caught me now my friend and is diana de prima there was a poster
a billboard and it said the poetics of loss
can you know it's canonized that when you glance at thanks something
a grabs you and it's imprinted and you very deeply for a long time you don't know why
there's no reason but somehow it either
would you say it matches you
exactly where you are
an earlier when i began san
it's good one it's of embarrassing a little bit more than thirty years ago thirty five years that
there was a lot of interested in the fifties martial arts and can know swordsmanship
and i hadn't read that now
some techniques and and swordsmanship but the best way is that when you see your opponent will come out and just strike him go away no technique
then i said that's very interesting that sounds like thin but some skin then people will do just very direct very simple but so very difficult
and in the most difficult part of that was at the end of the article was that and it will be sure to be a mutual slaying
and i didn't like to read that because i want to when i went to gain i wanted to be alive
but so much this
every day within our life
i took to know how to lose
being alive
in very much alive
now accepting things as the ours of loss to being in the moment is the loss being up here is a loss
and i hope paint on better it's also a loss
so what are you losing
we're losing our our self or self clinging er ideas
we are losing ourselves sound at cricket
sound feeling of this sandal

this aspiration of loss or suffering a brings us to practice
and i thought many years ago that when you start safer as you're on a circle mean you started zero you move to three ninety nine hundred and eighty etc two three sixty
but actually you come back the same spot
you start the same spot and when you move in the circle when you complete circle you end up the same spot
and it doesn't matter if you start here are up here up here but it's the circle of life and you come back the same spot
and good just a little bit
maybe a little bit different
and i think how we are able to participate
in this loss and will become just a little bit different
and i was i love the analogy but a candle when you see a candle burn it's the same candle but is it the same cause it's burning away
we're burning away
this freedom there
we're burning away with their exhalation and renewed or during inhalation every moment
change change change
and i thought
to say something about czars and how this parallels with a result in practice
we say and to have a good seat takes ten years
when you think about how long it takes a fruit tree to bloom
our to bear fruit for ten years is not very long time
and we shouldn't take it just the literally ten years some time
it could pick ten years be
ten years or could be actually ten years
but it takes some time

in china
you know sekitar turkey sin
the sec sec hills stone head
ancestor he sat on a very large stone
and on the stone is carved in source of the ancestors
it's our
it it's our ancestor and also the ancestor is us it's our source
it's our intimate self sitting upright

when we're sitting
this practice is sitting actually didn't know what you're doing when we're practicing
we're practicing the active participation loss
because now we have fear
we have denial we have resistance we have sleepiness we have exhaustion we have paying we have the whole spectrum of loss
so in the way i find this very interesting because it's the kind of our conditioning
there's no gain here
i am bureau dimension
gaining self for the in this kind of situation there's not much game because you participate participating at last

so we are actively not passively even though we're sitting on on on a christian quietly we are actively energetically
participating in how things as they are
this is what they mean by things as they are
with a
with noise
changing his sound
the sound change it back to noise
with the awareness and lower back
my son sleepiness
we're actively participating in this

and when you do this
little by little we say that you will not become bothered by these conditions
even a cricket decide the stop
you're not required by these conditions

it's kind of interesting reconditioning ourselves to
ah or conditioning ourselves to bring enter into our own unconditional world

and this
since the active participation in loss comes from the chairman russia's teacher could a swanky roshi out when he said gain his delusion
at loss is enlightened that's where it sat and loss
and also like the first noble truth buddha said life is suffering and it really has so
and when i first read a kind of negative connotation
the with loss just actively participating with suffering

accepting it in a habitability of change
which is an undeniable condition
about very own lives
things are not fixed but are constantly changing from one moment to one mountain to one it
this is then saying
you can never step into a river the same spot twice
i love that
the retry it you know and we do it would be stuck with the says well to eyes because we have created it
but actually has a whole river is move
well the whole environment of the river
and this is moving while hits but we have created that we are actually stepping in the same place twice
i forgot to add this is very important active participation laws and the in a habitability of change
and the wonderful possibility for the celebration that freedom is rediscover within this very condition of lost

however a story about a statue that we received
and it's a kanzi on
ah there's eleven faces accounting counting the main face it's called eleven face or keynesian both answer
and ah
she's the mother of all abilities
and she's is but she's the mother or his birth to mercy and compassion
if you go to them being
this is nearly twenty six hundred years now there's a temple was built for who his mother
and now we're good was born or the king or a shocker
place the pillar there that is still standing
and it's quite ah
i was very impressed with it because
in our country here we are not many buildings built from mattress
when you go to
places are shrines like that best thing they do is just sit down and
to the loss i returned the silence
science is last also
return they're just for a few minutes
so it keeps these monuments alive
i'm not just the minors but it keeps us alive

so a little maybe background about the statue
it belonged to the home community in prescott arizona
mr li lo's a week
and down
my zero she had done some calligraphy for this statue and major couponer on your
that was so
in the room
in their temple
so when i
we had the my invitation to receive the statue there was a little law
dispute in the community because like how much money it costs how big was it
all these how will be transported ah
how much as a way for who is all these things
and so i didn't have any idea i didn't have any money and i didn't know how large was and anyway
as someone sent me a picture of the statue and when i saw the statue i said all i'm in trouble he looks beautiful
to somehow that statue or the home community and decided to transport it
all away from arizona
prescott to sell sonoma mountain
and the little girl and community she was two years old
send a card with the statue
her father gave it to me it was put into an envelope and was the crayon she she addressed it
an inch when you open it there was a picture of umbrella with some rain and then she signed it
like that
the effort of the to euro and it rained all away from arizona to california
and so it it arrived
december the seventh
and will oil in the evening so we oil it we watched it and oil did and we erected it on december seventy eight just turned out it was december the buddha's enlightenment gay
and also on the plaque it said it was dedicated on december the eight nineteen fifty nine
i almost like the time of the soup hiroshi coming to america
and it turned out that ah
we didn't have to spend any money
it fit into the sandow
it's fourteen feet
and we didn't have to redo the floor
and the part i'm getting to is that are
on her
hey there is a crown
and the first the first phase is the your face and it so
like when we look in the mayor it's our face and it's not our face
just like actos on real guy and his enlightenment palm when he crossed the stream i looked in
the water
but actually is our face
before we think it's our face
i'm not sure this place is canada at all
but on the crown the first three faces also look similar to this space which is kind of calm and peaceful
and as the different heads move around the crown may become
more and more horrible
just ghastly just helplessness in pain fear
for for tonight
so the first three are the peaceful new faces and that's the when we live in a mere will see the front view where it's difficult for us to see the side they were more difficult to see the back
this period
i just i don't know this is the order and effort number for wiki says anger and hate
that's a standard one
and this is with the background of everyday practice we practice every day
you really practice every day
trying to quit
what we learned into practice
if we ain't when put angry were were were angry
don't be angry for a year or two but know you're angry
so as it moves or five anxiety frustration confusion
ah six you could say isolation and rejection i may just goes on and on and on
and until you get to
ah seven eight nine and these are the real couldn't
that we will all face in our lives with despair
devastation helplessness hopelessness
sorry i'm not be the good news
with this is true
because we're lucky enough to have a practice
we don't have to commit suicide
despair was like in the beat generation we were black we look undernourished
a famished
that was that was the ideal but at the same time there was a tinge of rebellion
and also retaliation
despair against something society authority
this is despair then comes on
so it's getting closer to something very wonderful it doesn't feel good
where energy is low
we're not looking good
but sometimes when people also in these phases they look pretty good
in spite of how they're feeling something is
there is movement
and finally
hopelessness was the worst one probably because this the bottom
we've finally gotten down to the bottom
this is just no more hope there's also no need to commit suicide
there's no ground
there's no choice
and you know the value
our practice finally
it is not a matter of choice but you know which way to go
through this hopelessness

and also there's no promise
in this is true too
there's no promise
but we know there's this work to be done
and for ten real or this morning told the story of the
mark hanging by the
i had heard a little bit different than actually because we're so encumbered and filled with delusion we don't know if we're hanging vertically or horizontally
is the finally he let go and he found out he was horizontal big which is late in his bid you know
we have stuff of it's the lose confusion we they were vertical and we're going to drought really florida it feels that way and will convince
eagles job is to convince us that way that we were actually hanging but if we do that go ah wonderful i can rest it's a beautiful rich i was horizontal all his time and i didn't know

when i was in the south west chester
two weeks ago
and there was lots of snow and
this hopelessness was like a tip of early spring emerging within the snow
cause that's the feeling
and there was the southern colorado i wasn't a little little town called gardener
and there is the also the some gray de cristo mountains press down and valley is like three times the state of connecticut
the mountains or fourteen thousand feet in a very sharp
the my idea was that thought the reserve
those are the mountains
that's the stuff
but what i found out was that there was a mountain called green heart and it was gray brown
it had has its present in different way it wasn't sure but round
and this mountain they told me had been under the illusion three times
at a long time and these other month they were young man's
so in the process of active participation laws were worn down right time were worn down by weather
were not even sale are also worn down by the sun the moon the stars just like green i

so ah

we stay with the wonder of practice
real practice good practice
finally you realize there is no choice
pass the gift maybe
there's actually no choice
always go astray
and with the help of the buddha
the dharma and sangha
the go through and realize and see what has always been there
and what has always been with you
everything is doing it
my guys and to
hey guys and tonight
over and over and over again
exhaling is intimate with lost our exhalation
will become i be done

have have some question

does anybody have any comments or questions

yeah i think we have to bring it up it's going on all the time just to be aware ah

like the there's a downside and there's an upside and if we have the downside would not have the upside if we have the upside we don't have the downside so loss not says we become paralyzed by it you know a person like and zen students when i will practice
an early days i become i was a young man or twenty five i started practice and i began walking slower and i became came by the old man
and we're young we're young people and we should be dancing and jumping over but
will becoming like zombies and because of this identity with this life is suffering but also that's the downside is also and there's states that there's this willingness
and discovery and curiosity and there's the blue sky within this
suggested become aware basically
basically where or what's going on how you feel
when you feel bad when feeling grow in feeling jealous when feel guilty
iran is