This is a holiday weekend. July 4th is coming up, and today is July 2nd, and actually the Declaration of Independence was accepted on July 2nd by the Continental Congress and then officially proclaimed on July 4th. So for that group of the Continental Congress, which was this illegal body which became the government, they were meeting on July 2nd and accepted it. And in that Declaration of Independence, it says, at one point, we hold these truths to be self-evident

[01:03]

that all men are created equal and are endowed by their Creator with unalienable rights. Among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. So recently someone asked me, are you happy? And I said yes. And I remember feeling, this was just last week, I thought, well that certainly came out of my mouth easily, and I remember a time when I would not have been able to say that, would not have been able to say I was happy at all. And then I began thinking, well I'm happy, maybe I'm just happy for now,

[02:05]

right when they ask me, but what about in a couple hours if they ask me? Maybe I would say something different, but maybe not. So what is the happiness in our founding, the writers of the Declaration of Independence, Jefferson and the others, I actually was told that it originally was the pursuit of property and it got switched, you know. So the pursuit of happiness may mean one thing to one person and one thing to another, but what is the real, what is happiness? What are the factors that are necessary to have happiness?

[03:10]

The word happy comes from the word hap, which means good fortune or chance or luck. What's the haps, you know, what's going on, what's your luck? When I was little I remember thinking that happiness had to do with getting certain things, like the best thing in the world, I grew up in St. Paul, Minnesota and there were lots of lakes, and the best thing in the world in summer was to go swimming, and it meant we had to convince my mother to pack up the car and go. I remember this one time we were going to the beach and and I thought, I can't wait, this is the most fun in the whole world, I can't wait to get to the water and I was so excited and we got there and I ran down and got in the water and I thought,

[04:12]

this is it? This is the best thing in the world? And I could feel this very deep disappointment and realization of the impossibility of being, of getting something that would be a lasting, permanent happiness. I still like swimming, but it never carried that best of all possible worlds feeling. I also remember this about toys, I remember getting this, I think it's a Mexican folk toy, it's a wooden cup with a string and a ball and you swing it and then try to get the ball into the cup, and I couldn't do it at first and I thought to myself, I'll never be bored again, I'll just continue working on this until I get it and everything's taken care of and then

[05:13]

eventually I got it and I could do it and then it lost its lively, wonderful, it was a nice toy but it didn't take care of all my woes. So maybe you each remember these kinds of disappointments, these are little, these are kind of, although they hit something deep, they hit some deep chord, they weren't devastating disappointments. Recently I was talking with someone who's celebrating their 50th birthday and I suggested that they might do a ceremony where you light a candle for each seven years of your life up to 49 and then you light one more for your 50th year and at each seven years you tell about your childhood and what was going on for you during those seven years.

[06:18]

And this person thought, well, that sounds like that might be nice to do at the party except, and then she began saying, there's some people at the party that I really don't know all that well and if I begin to talk and then I tell them some things and I'm actually doing this thing at work that if anybody found out about, I'm really not supposed to be doing this because I'm not actually authorized, but and all of a sudden they're into a long description of their anxiety about this thing at work that they're trying to kind of keep a little bit under wraps. And this went from this kind of light conversation about what you might do on your 50th very quickly into possibility of exposure and what might happen and in fact the segue, you know, the leap was so fast I kind of took my breath away. I didn't know what they were talking about, but for this person beginning to speak about themselves immediately meant something that

[07:30]

was right under the surface that they were trying to keep hidden might get exposed. And there is some anxiety about this and some fear of being exposed, very close to the surface. So what are these things that we have that keep us from happiness? Now, usually we think of happiness as being connected with external things. Having a, you know, a good job and enough money and enough food and enough and friends and fun places to visit and leisure. All these things that you would say are externals. We would probably say our happiness is bound up with them and so if we can pursue those and get these things to come closer,

[08:36]

then we will be assured of happiness. That's the usual way of thinking. Now, the Buddhist understanding of happiness is that it's not an external. It's actually an internal thing. That it depends on the mind and without a mind, a happy mind, it doesn't matter about any of the externals. Now, one might say, well, I don't believe that. Prove it or something. But I think each one of us, if we stop for a moment, can think of people we know who are very wealthy, have a pretty good job, have enough to eat, have a beautiful place to live, and all these externals and yet are not happy, are plagued by dissatisfaction and

[09:36]

fear of exposure and anxiety and all sorts of things. And maybe we can say that about ourselves or maybe I can say that about myself, that there may be lots of these externals in place, but they're not what actually matters when it comes down to it. I was recently reading about an old Tibetan Lama, very poor, kind of wandering person, old, withered. And he said to someone, you may look at me and think, oh, here's a poor, old, withered person and feel sorry for me, but inside I have inexpressible happiness. So, what are the things that keep us from happiness? What are the actions, ways of thinking,

[10:49]

ways of being in the world that keep us from happiness, that go, in fact, in the opposite way from happiness? Recently, someone was talking with me about forgiveness and the inability they had to forgive, actually to forgive themselves. And the word forgive is actually a direct translation of the word in Latin, perdonare, to pardon, perdonare, for, perdonare, to give. So, for, give, so a donation. There's a, in forgiving there's a gift involved, for, give. So, what are the people, who are the people in our lives, or what are the circumstances in our lives

[12:02]

that bring up this feeling that we can't forgive either ourselves or others? We can't give the gift. And who receives this gift of forgiving? Does the person who we believe did some wrong, do they get the gift when we forgive? They may not even know that we've forgiven them, or care particularly, they may be going about their business without noticing. So, who gets the gift? The Buddhist teacher, Joko Beck, says that if you look at any difficulty, either relationships, difficulty at work, any kind of problem, if you look at it, somewhere in there, there's non-forgiveness at work. And this non-forgiveness keeps us from joy, from feeling the joys of our life,

[13:09]

it actually holds us back from joy. So, who is it that we can't forgive? And maybe in our minds we think, and I can think, let's see, maybe I can come up with someone who, what they did was, really unforgivable. It's unforgivable. And I will never forgive them. You know, having some kind of thought like that. And you can even talk amongst your friends and they'd say, that's right, that is unforgivable. You can't forgive them for that. And yet, in our Buddhist practice, we know that the vow that we need to come to the place where we can forgive ourselves and forgive everyone, we have to be able to, even if it takes a whole lifetime, be able to get to that point. Otherwise, we're kept, we are holding ourselves back from

[14:15]

actual happiness and feeling the joy of our life. So, there is the world of the compassionate heart in Buddhism, which is a world where all sentient beings, no matter what, are forgiven, can be forgiven by us. And with our Bodhisattva vow, we need to find this in our hearts. And there's also Buddha's world, where all beings and ourselves are already forgiven. These are two conditions for repentance, which is acknowledging how it is that we don't forgive. Just acknowledging our actions,

[15:26]

our inability to forgive and forget. And the third condition of that repentance is ritual, and ritual is having an active relationship between appeal and response, or inquiry and response, to show that some way. So, when we refuse to forgive, often it's very aligned with harboring ill will, which is one of the precepts. The disciple of the Buddha does not harbor ill will, or holding a grudge, or holding on to a resentment. The word resentment means to feel strongly or intensely. Resentment is feeling some kind of indignation at some offense that is committed

[16:30]

against us, and holding on to that. And we get, we receive, when we don't forgive, and when we have harboring of ill will, there's some kind of energy we get from that, which is closely aligned with our self-esteem, and holding up our self-esteem. So this is all bound up together, harboring ill will, holding a grudge, refusing to forgive. It's very bound up with our own sense of clinging to self, and creating one's self-esteem, buoying up one's self-esteem. And when we're able to forgive, I heard on the radio this doctor who works with cancer patrons, and she was talking about forgiveness also, and she said when we're able to truly forgive, there's an ecstasy that the person feels, the forgiver feels. I think that's this joy that we keep ourselves from when we don't forgive.

[17:39]

She called it ecstasy. So to ask ourselves, for me to ask myself, who is it I don't forgive? And when I don't forgive them, how does that make me into queen of the mountain, you know, holds me up above, helps to praise myself, because they did these things, and I'm better, you know, to actually examine what it's all about. It's too easy to say, well, they did these things, and that's it. It's too easy, and not only is it too easy, it is a disservice to oneself, because who gets the gift? It's keeping yourself from receiving the donation. Keeping oneself. So to find out a fresh

[18:58]

way of relating to this material of the mind, internally and externally, and how do we do this freshly without bringing our non-forgiving? There's that person, you see them coming down, and you don't forgive them, and you're going to avoid them, and you're going to make them pay, you know, for whatever. They may not even notice you're avoiding them. And this kind of stale activity, where one's narrowing of ability to be with whoever arises in front of you is a disservice to yourself, and it's often based on fear. So, you know, there's this line at the end of one of these poems that we read in the morning for

[20:07]

service. At the end it says, practice secretly working within like a fool, like an idiot. Now, when I hear that, I think, yeah, I want to, that's what I want to do. I want to be, I want to practice secretly like a fool, like an idiot. But then I think, I don't, I don't want to look like a fool really. I don't want anybody to call me an idiot or stupid. So there's this wanting to keep our sense of who we are in the world intact, and not be the fool or an idiot, and yet feeling maybe this is the way, practicing secretly like a fool, just stupidly practicing this practice over and over. So how do we deal with that? I have a story that I want to read about a fool. And this fool, this is from the Italian folktales collection by Italo Calvino.

[21:20]

And he's an Italian person, man who gathered all these folktales and wrote them up. And some of them are hilarious. And this one has a slightly funny quality, but the main thing about it is the quality of this person, the way that they approach the world. They're called fearless simpleton. And they're very, they're like a fool, like an idiot. But he has no fear. So it's, it's a pretty short story. So I'll read the whole thing. And it's, it's really got a kind of a dumb ending, but you'll, you'll enjoy it. A man had a nephew who was as stupid as could be. The boy understood nothing. On the other hand, nothing frightened him. Now the man left home instructing his nephew to watch out for robbers and not let them steal any belongings from the house. The boy began wondering, what are robbers?

[22:24]

What are belongings? I'm afraid of nothing. The robbers appeared and said, what are you doing here, boy? We've come to rob you. So what are you waiting for? Go on and rob me. Is anybody stopping you? Do you think I'm afraid? And he let them steal everything in the house. The uncle returned and found the house ransacked. He asked his nephew, did you send for the robbers? Me? I was here on the doorstep. The robbers came. They said, what are you doing here? We have come to rob you. And who's stopping you? I said to them, how dumb can you be? They said. So they went ahead and robbed us. I had nothing to do with it. The man thought of his priest brother, who could perhaps teach the boy something. You are going to your priest uncle, he told him. What is a priest uncle? I don't know of any priest uncles or anybody else. If we must go to my priest uncle,

[23:29]

let's go. The first evening, the priest uncle said to him, tonight you will go and put out the lights in church. The nephew replied, what are lights? What is a church? I don't know of any lights or any church. I'll go wherever you say. I'm afraid of nothing. The uncle had given instructions that while his nephew was putting out the lights, the sacristan was to lower a basket of flaming candles and say, get into the basket, whoever wants to see the kingdom of heaven. The nephew saw the basket, heard the voice and said, what heaven? What heaven? I don't know of any heaven. Wait, let me get in. He took a knife and cut the rope. The sacristan went to pull up the basket and ended up with nothing but rope. The next evening, the priest uncle ordered the sacristan to get into a coffin and pretend to be dead in order to frighten the nephew. Tonight, he told the boy, you are going

[24:30]

to wake a dead man. What is a dead man? What is wake? I'll go anywhere. And he went into church to wake the dead man. A small candle flickered near the corpse while the rest of the church was pitch dark. The corpse slowly raised one leg. The boy watched, didn't move a muscle. The dead man raised his head and the boy yawned. Then the dead man spoke, you there, I'm still alive. The boy replied, if you are alive, you're going to die now. He picked up a candle snuffer, struck him on the head and killed him. Then he went back and told his priest uncle, that dead man hadn't finished dying, so I finished him off myself. Now this kind of mind of, of what is it that thus comes,

[25:38]

uh, is a mind that there's no room for fear. Did you notice? If you don't know, you know, what a dead man is, what a church, what, if you just say, what, what is it? What is, I'm not afraid. This is very close to this koan that I'm going to recite, which is um, about Dao Hui coming to speak with Hui Nung, the sixth ancestor. Dao Hui, uh, came to the sixth ancestor who said to him, what is it that thus comes? And Dao Hui couldn't answer. And eight years later, Dao Hui came back and said to Hui Nung, I now understand that when I first came here, you instructed me. What is it that thus comes? And Hui Nung said, what do you understand? And Dao Hui said, speaking about it won't hit the mark.

[26:44]

And Hui Nung said, does it rest on practice and realization? And Dao Hui said, it's not that there is no practice and no realization. It's just that they cannot be defiled. And Hui Nung said, I am like this. You are like this. All the Buddha ancestors in India are like this. So, this defiled, what does this defiled mean? It's not that there is no practice and no realization. It's just that they cannot be defiled. Defiled means put into dualistic understanding of this or that, or good or bad, or to be afraid of, to not to be afraid of. It's before one picks and chooses which way it is.

[27:53]

So, this simpleton, like a fool, like an idiot, practice secretly working within. He says, what is a church? What is a priest uncle? What is it that thus comes? What is it that thus comes? Not to assume that you know what it is that thus comes. To have that state of mind, to continuously have the mind of what is it that thus comes, where can fear arise? Where can picking and choosing arise? When you're asking what is it, thoroughly, what happens is the question of what is it gets there before, oh, I don't like that.

[28:56]

Oh, I know all about her. I don't forgive her. She said that mean thing to me years ago and I'll never forget it. The mind of what is it that thus comes gets there before that other mind, the mind that quickly puts it into the categories that you know already and have all set out. We don't know what it is that thus comes. We don't know that in the next moment there's going to be a 7.2 earthquake and we'll all turn upside down. We don't know and yet we go around with a kind of attitude that's got it all figured out, right? That knows what happiness is. Well, yeah, if I could just get that job and that promotion, then I'd be happy. But when we get that job, that external,

[30:00]

it proves we're proved wrong. We're not so happy because there's always one more thing. So the mind of what is it that thus comes is like upright sitting. It's not leaning into the situation saying we know what it is and it's not leaning away from the situation saying, oh, also I know what it is and I don't like it. One is I know what it is and I want more. The other is I know what it is and get me out of here. Get me out of this church. Help, there's a basket being lowered with candles. Yikes. Instead it's what is it that thus comes? Down from the ceiling comes a basket with candles. What is it? This is fearless simpleton. This is foolish, right? This is like a fool, like an idiot thinks this way. And yet, when we ask what is it that thus comes, thus comes means the thus come one is the Tathagata.

[31:05]

You know, in the beginning we chant an unsurpassable penetrating and perfect Dharma is rarely met with, you know that chant. I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. The Tathagata is the thus come one, suchness. So the question is, what is suchness? What is it that's arising right now before I leap to conclusions and get it all in categories? So this question will, this helps you to stay upright and not know, to just not know. And when we don't know, now that you know, and you know you don't know, there's fearlessness.

[32:09]

There's fearlessness there, not knowing. Fear comes from thinking we know what's going to happen pretty soon. To not know, we're able to allow the myriad things to come forward and realize themselves, which they do come forward and reveal themselves. When we bring ourselves forward and think we know what all the myriad things are, we diminish everything. So this is an instruction. Dawi said, I now know that when I first came here, you instructed me, what is it that thus comes? This is an instruction. This is a meditation instruction. This is a life instruction of how to live in the world. This is beginner's mind. The mind of what? The mind of what is it that's coming now? And then you see your friend or your child or someone you thought

[33:13]

you hadn't forgiven, and there's too much there. Non-forgiveness is, to hold on to non-forgiveness in the face of the inconceivableness of a being in front of you is almost impossible. This mind of what is it? So this beats you to the punch. What is it that thus comes? What is it? Gets there first. It gets there before, ah, hater. Gets there before the grudge and ill will. And if ill will arises, then you say, what is this ill will? Because these things, these strong emotions and thirsting desires and unhappiness, these things

[34:16]

cannot be gotten rid of. That's why they're, these are holy truths. These are part of our lives that we examine and say, what is it about these things? We don't, we can't wash them away. I recently saw the play or excerpted play from my daughter's Shakespeare camp of Macbeth. She was Lady Macbeth. And at the end, for those of you who know the play, they murder this person and then they have blood on their hands, literally, and then they wash it away to make clean, to make it look like they've got a clean slate here. But then later Lady Macbeth comes out on stage and she's trying to get it away. And she's just, out, damn spot, you know. But there's nothing there. But she's trying to get, and this is the same with trying to get rid of

[35:19]

thirsting desires. It's like washing blood with blood. If you have the blood and you try to wash it away with blood, there's more blood. So you can't get these, push away these things. You can only use the instruction, what is it that thus comes? Then this is just Buddhadharma coming. And you examine it, examine it revealing itself. So our happiness depends on internal things. And the external things are relative. There's relative happiness there, but it's the internal. And the internal and the external are not different, you know. When the internal

[36:28]

happiness is there, it doesn't matter so much what the external is. I was recently reading about fleas. And fleas can jump. It would be as if we were able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. They can actually jump that much higher than their height, you know. And they have this substance in them called resaline, which is the most bouncy substance in the world, much more bouncy than rubber ball. If you drop this resaline from a hundred feet and you dropped a rubber ball, the rubber ball bounces up 85 feet and resaline bounces up 97 feet. It's very bouncy. And they have this in their, these bits of this resaline

[37:37]

in their, on either side of their thorax and then they crunch down their legs and it gets all crunched, the resaline, and then there's like a little catch that gets lifted and then it opens up and they leap up very, very high. And they can do this, it's at 140 times gravity, 140 G. And I guess astronauts, or not astronauts, but flyers are very uncomfortable at about 6 G. And these fleas go at 140 Gs and leap. And they can do it over and [...] over again, like a thousand times, nonstop, they can do this. What is it that thus comes? You might think you hate fleas, you know, but when you,

[38:46]

when they reveal themselves, you know, how can, how can you be stuck, you know, in this old and unforgiving to fleas? So I wanted to read what the Buddha says about happiness. And this is, there was a ceremony here last week, a ceremony, a family blessing for a Zen Center family that's recently adopted a boy, anyone here? No. An older boy, a six-year-old boy, and we had a ceremony in front of the Jizo who is the Bodhisattva that especially is inclined to take care of children. And this, you know, the realm of the compassionate heart that forgives, that finds

[39:50]

a way to forgive all beings and allows all beings to live on this earth. This is the Bodhisattva who doesn't abandon any being. This is the Bodhisattva vow. And then the realm of the Buddha's compassion where you are already forgiven. And then the third is this ritual where you bring forth the inquiry and response of your life. You bring it forth in a ritual. So they had a ritual. And in it, they actually, I felt, forgave and expressed gratitude for all the people in this child's life who allowed this child to come and live with them now. This child's had a difficult time. And they expressed gratitude for all these beings and forgiveness, I feel, for the problems and all that they had. And then they enacted this in a ritual way

[40:57]

with chanting and presents. And this was read at the ceremony. This is the Buddha's Discourse on Happiness. So I'd like to read the whole thing for each of you to think about those aspects of your life which contribute to your happiness. This is a sutra. I heard these words of the Buddha one time when the Lord was living in the vicinity of Shravasti at the Antapindika Monastery in the Jeddak Park. Late at night, a deva appeared. Deva is a heavenly being whose light and beauty made the whole Jeddak Grove shine radiantly. After paying respects to the Buddha, the deva asked him a question in the question. Many gods and men are eager to know what are the greatest blessings which can bring about a peaceful and happy life. Please, Tathagata, will you teach us? This is the Buddha's answer. Not to be associated with the foolish ones, to live in the company of wise people,

[42:06]

and to honor those who are worth honoring. This is the greatest happiness. To live in a good environment, to have planted good seeds, and to realize that you're on the right path. This is the greatest happiness. To have a chance to learn and to be skillful in your profession or craft, and to know how to practice the precepts and loving speech. This is the greatest happiness. To be able to support your parents, to cherish your own family, and to have a job that you like. This is the greatest happiness. To live correctly, to be generous in giving, to be able to give support to relatives and friends, and to live a life of blameless conduct. This is the greatest happiness. To restrain from doing bad things, to avoid being caught by alcoholism or drugs, and to be diligent in doing good things. This is the greatest happiness.

[43:12]

To be humble and polite, to be grateful and content with a simple life, and not to miss the occasion to learn the Dharma. This is the greatest happiness. To persevere and be open to change, to have regular contact with monks and nuns, and to participate in Dharma discussions. This is the greatest happiness. To live diligently and attentively, to perceive the noble truths, and to realize nirvana. This is the greatest happiness. To live in the world with your heart undisturbed by the world, with all sorrows ended, dwelling in peace. This is the greatest happiness. He or she who accomplishes this will remain unvanquished wherever she goes. Always he will be safe and happy. This is the greatest happiness. Thank you very much. Your talk about forgiveness just went so inside me today. I just returned from a week in New York City

[44:48]

and to visit two of my sons, and one of them I had a wonderful time with, and the other one I didn't even see or speak to for quite a while. And my big fear is that I will die and it will be like that when I die, that we will not be reconciled. But today listening to you and I've been thinking about this since last week, that it's like I will forgive him for that if that is his choice. It is because that's his choice right now to forgive him just in that eventuality. And myself, I remember one part in that too. It's a big fear I have. I heard that once about somebody not going to their parents' deathbed, and it just, it just, it lied in my mind, oh what a terrible, terrible thing to do. And I wonder why I remembered that. So here I am in a situation that could come to that.

[45:57]

So in the name of forgiveness, I just want to, I just want you in my heart now to forgive, and if that is what it is, then that's what you need to do. Thank you. Excuse me. So do you feel you, you have forgiven him? I remember my sister during, I think it was junior high or high school, she'd have these fights with my mother and leave the house and yelling at her, I hate you, I hate you, you old battle axe, go off to school. And then my mother would be at home thinking, hmm, maybe I shouldn't go out shopping, what if I run a car accident, and then she would have this on her heart, you know. So my mother would kind of curtail her activity. So

[47:05]

I guess that's already forgiving her for her behavior. That sounds like what you're saying. Could you speak more about the last instruction that the Buddha gave on happiness, being in the world with an open heart? And I don't even remember the final part. No. See, being in the world with, living in the world with your mind freed from the world, or unattached, untroubled by the world, I don't have in front of me, I don't have the whole thing memorized. But I think to be open, and to be accepting, and at the same time giving, and not be disturbed by what, what you are seeing, what you are experiencing, what your own thoughts and judgments and not,

[48:13]

not to, not to be disturbed by that. And there are a lot of horrible, horrible things in the world. There are a lot of horrible, horrible things that I'm doing all the time. And to stay open to all those things out there, and all those things in here, and, and not be disturbed by it. That's... I think, well, my understanding is it's, it's like imperturbable way-seeking mind. The imperturbability is a deep imperturbability. But it doesn't mean that when you see, you know, abuse of some sort, or racism, or homeless people, that you don't feel something that, I mean, you might call that being upset, or disturbed. But the deepest, and, so I don't think it's saying that. It's not like you go through the world indifferent.

[49:15]

It's not saying... I don't think it says that either. Yeah. So it's being, it's like the lotus in muddy water, you know, that image that we use. In fact, it's like a prayer almost. May we exist in muddy water with purity like a lotus. The lotus flower, which I've never seen. Someday I hope to see one. But it, it, it's in the mud. It's in the mud. That's in the world. And then it comes out of the mud, and it's, it rises up over the water. How many of you have seen lotuses, real ones? A lot of you have. They, they rise up, right? They're hanging, I mean, they're over the water. So they're these blossoms that are not touched by the muddy water, but they come right out of it, and cannot exist without the muddy water. It's that. May we exist like that. May we exist in the world, not hide ourselves off in our little castles with our, everything the way we want it controlled, but right in with the world,

[50:18]

and yet undisturbed, deep, in a deep sense, imperturbable, able to be there with others, and cry with them, and be upset with them, and, but the basic is imperturbable, and you're not going to run away. That feeling. So. I have an idea of what the feeling would be, or what it would look like. I don't know how to get there. I, I, I think, I, when I'm in a bad situation, I'll put up my defenses. And if I were the lotus, I'd do the same. And to be able to stay open to what is, and to feel the pain of it, and to see the suffering, and the sorrow, and, and, and not going to a defensive mode, to protect yourself from it all.

[51:24]

You asked how you get there? Yeah. Two steps, please. Well, just listening to you speak, it's like, you are there, you know, you know exactly what to do. You just said it, beautifully. You really said it beautifully. To, to not close up, to see the suffering, to let it wash over you, didn't you say? Feel it throughout your body, and to not close off. And there's no way to get there. But if you close down. Yes. In, in a painful situation, I guess it's to remember. Well, when you close down in a painful situation, uh, can one right there say, you know, may we exist in muddy water with purity like lotus? But

[52:41]

you just, you just find your intention. Even though you feel like you can't do it, it's impossible to do it, you are closing down, here I go, I'm closing, I can't take it. Still the intention, may I exist, may we all exist in muddy water with purity like lotus, may all beings be happy. You find that intention, that's all. You can't, you can't get blood out of a stone, or you know, you can't, the idea that you can make it any different than that, but you can find right there in the closing down, you can find your existing in muddy water with purity like lotus, a closed down you. There, there's no situation where you can't, um, find your vow, you know. The Bodhisattvas exist in all the realms, you know, if you see the wheel of life with the six realms, the human realm and animals and heavenly and hell realms,

[53:42]

hungry ghosts, fighting gods, is that six? In every one, I'm picturing this wheel, there's these Bodhisattvas that are in all the realms, they preach Dharma in all the realms. So even in hell realms, where it's really, really painful, there's nothing you can do, you're just, you know, they're the cold, the frozen and the hot, which psychologically speaking, you know, closed down or enraged or painful. Still, even there, there's Dharma being spoken. There's no place, there's no realm where the Dharma doesn't pervade. All right, uh, he passes the necessary part of being human being. What did you have in mind? Well, it was in mind a little bit of what you're saying about accepting our defenses to

[54:46]

realize that there are certain places where it has a function. Yes. Place. Even though at another level, more persistent level, there is something that is beyond that, the Dharma. Yes, I think for in many, many instances, if you don't activate certain defenses or your persona or whatever, you get kind of obliterated or, you know, you can't, you have to know when it's time to put up persona, but it's persona, which is mask or defenses. But knowing that this is a defense is all you need to know. I have to put this up for now, but this is not the way I want to live forever and ever. But for this occasion, you know, I do that and then you, you know, but yes, but sometimes though they get solidified,

[55:50]

you know, and that's the way you approach the world. It's always with the mask, you know, there's someone right here. Yes. Well, um, in reference to what she was talking about, I was thinking that defenses, a lot of them boil down to fear. And we had talked last week about fear and, and two people spoke and their fear was coming from two completely different places. And what it was about was just recognizing where that fear comes in. So if you're wanting to block something out of your life, it could be you're becoming defensive because you're afraid of something and maybe reaching down and trying to understand what it is that you're afraid of could help you to understand it. Yes. Yeah. Um, I'd love to have somebody speak

[56:55]

about from a martial arts point of view, but for defense where you, you use you, I don't think it's necessarily fear, but you use that energy that's coming your way and you defend, but it's in the service of the whole relationship or energy exchange or, or, you know, it's not necessarily the worst, no, no, you know, in the world, you, you, you know, your weaknesses, you know, what's you're aware and you use that to do what you need to do. So I think if the fear, if the fears involved, um, I don't know, you may have a kind of repertoire that you use every time. That's not very creative. So I don't know. Um, how many of you were here last week for that discussion about the fear? Yes.

[58:08]

The one thing that would be the most important, and there's so many listed, like having the right job. Um, I sort of wish to be a bit more succinct. Oh, that's very interesting because I was thinking the other way, which was, oh, I'm glad he gave so many. At least I can pick out a few. Yeah. Well, I don't think they necessarily all have to be in place. Although you look at them and it's like, I saw these nods in the audience, you know, to have a job that you love. I remember my dad once saying the worst thing in the world is to have to get up every morning and go to a job you hate. And I remember that so thoroughly. I mean, so vividly. Um, he had various jobs, but when he finally got a job that he loved, it's like,

[59:29]

you know, and I think people know that, the suffering, the pain of having to get up and go to a workplace that you hate. So for him, for the Buddha to kind of mention that, but I don't know what they all distill down to. You know, maybe there is some way that all of those can come under one, one thing. Um, the, um, the interesting thing that I felt was he, they seem to be externals, you know, all these things he was naming, you know, regular contact with monks and nuns and Dharma discussions and good job and a beautiful environment and, you know, good environment. And they all seem like externals, didn't they? When I was talking about externals, that it doesn't depend on externals. And then he lists all these externals. So for me, all of those are, this is how I understood it. Those externals are a reflection. When I was saying that the

[60:35]

internal and the external are not necessarily, you can't necessarily separate them. So someone who, um, what was the one about alcoholism and drug addiction? You have to have an internal, you can't just say, okay, I'm going to, that's going to be not part of my life. If that is part of your life, that there has to be an, a turning, a pretty strong turning inside in order to, um, have that look like an external. It is an internal. I mean, they're having a job that you love. I mean, if you're going to be a bricklayer's helper, be the best bricklayer's helper you can be, you know. Is that from my background or is that sort of? A job that you love, that doesn't mean particular jobs are the good ones and other ones, sweeping, you know, chopping vegetables. It is an internal relationship

[61:37]

to your work, having a job that you love. It doesn't matter. The head monk at Tassajara, when you're the head monk and share the abbot's seat, the name of that is shuso, which means toilet cleaner, and you clean the toilets. That's your job. As well as service and talking with students and teas and other ceremonial ritual, things like bathing Manjushri, which is great. Um, Manjushri is the Bodhisattva who stays in the zendo, you know, it's the big Bodhisattva in the zendo of wisdom, where there's a ceremony where the shuso bathes Manjushri figuratively, ritually. Anyway, but you're the toilet cleaner. So having a job that you love has to do with one state of mind. That's why you love it. It's not only certain jobs. Certain jobs, though, look pretty bad, you know, like, like you couldn't survive it, maybe.

[62:38]

But then you see some cheerful person just going off to work every day. So it. So these externals to me are, you can't really separate. They're only externals and internals. Yes. I've experienced the freedom of forgiveness. I've also experienced the drudgery of being angry and unforgiving. And at some point I realized, oh, remember how it felt I need to pay, and I remember, and I say, okay, so now forgive this one, so you can get on with it, so you can feel better. But the process takes a long time. I'd like to know how to I'd like to know how to free that love. Free that up? Yeah, just get on with it. Once I realized,

[63:47]

oh, you're being unforgiving, you're resentful, you're angry, I can understand the reasons why. Okay, now let's feel better. But it doesn't happen that way for me. Yeah, I don't think it happens that way for anyone. But the time when you did forgive, do you know what happened there? Would you be able to describe? It's almost, I realize that I'm free. I don't know that I have forgiven, and then I'll see that person, or something will come up about that situation, and I'll say, oh, it's gone. Yeah. I guess there's an unknown place in there then, that I don't. It's almost like if a gift, I haven't had to forgive, the gift has been given to me, like somehow. So you can't necessarily say you did this, this, and this, and then you did this,

[64:49]

and at the end came forgiveness, right? I think that's true. I think one can know very thoroughly that you're bound by this, that you've got resentful feelings, angry feelings, that you've taken umbrage, you know. I was going to say this in lecture, which I forgot, but to take umbrage, you know, getting angry, take umbrage with someone, and umbrage means, it comes from the same word, the umbra, shadow, like an umbrella, you know, you make shadow. So the image of sort of taking umbrage, and then being under it, and it's making it very dark, and it comes from the root that means blind, so shadow, blind, dark, and you carry that around. You take umbrage like this umbrella. Well, to know that you do that, that's the beginning of saying, you know, putting down the umbrella, you know. But you can't hurry it. You

[65:53]

can't, it can't happen before it can happen. It's, you can't make it happen in a certain way, but you can work, you can examine, you can study, you can say, you can ask for help to let go of this, you know. There's lots of ways you can be mindful of how it's working in your body, how the poison of it is going through your body, the poison of the unforgiveness, which really, it affects you all over. There's a part sometimes I say, oh, still here, and it's kind of an interesting, I don't know why, but I say, well, still here, there's like the description, oh, you're still carrying the umbrella, and then maybe I've got to tilt it a little off to the side, there's a little bump, but still here, and it's funny in a way, and in a way not, of course, but I don't know why

[66:57]

that strikes me as amusing, but it's like, still carrying it. Yeah, it's like, there is humor there, it's like, what a silly lady I am, I'm still, I still got this old saw, you know, that I'm, right, it's like, and that, if you can talk to yourself that way, that is very helpful in letting it go, you know, getting the last vestiges, just toss them overboard, the kind of silly lady, and kidding yourself about it, even if you're there, if you're at that point, before that point, you're not, it's not time. There's something else about this umbrage, oh, this thing about how it connects with self-esteem, the energy that you get from not forgiving, you know, there's, it feeds this kind of self-cleaning, that, that to me is the most interesting part of it, because often the person doesn't necessarily even know or care

[67:59]

that you don't forgive them or do forgive them, they're on their merry way, but for you, it's like, and I saw this, this ethnic dance festival in San Francisco, and there is this dance, a solo dance of a peacock, and it was, the costume was just gorgeous, and it was, this woman came out at a certain point, the costume was such that she did this thing, and the tail went out, you know, this big tail, and then she moved around, you know, it had some kind of support in this, in the cloth, it was hanging down before, and then it went up, and they kind of, who knows what a peacock really feels like, right, but you know how we think the peacock is just like, you know, take a look at me, and moving, and she did it so beautifully with this giant dress, beautiful iridescent colors, moving around with this huge tail that was making a shadow, you know, so I had this image of taking umbrage and this self, this cockiness, you know,

[69:02]

and this tail, kind of, I, I put those together in my mind, I, for whatever reason, but anyway, they're very connected up, this kind of peacock, uh, movie, it's, it's the male, right, yeah, it's the peahen and the peacock, um, moving around and feeling so full of themselves, um, and making the shadow, you know, with that big giant tail, so anyway, our refusing, um, to forgive, and the energy we get from that helps to, um, keep intact this very solid sense of self, and that, having that kind of, uh, strength of sense of self leads to suffering, I mean, that's right in there, is where it, and clinging, so, for, for some reason, this umbrage and peacock are connected up, is there somebody else, yes?

[70:07]

When I am able to share what somebody else and I feel like doing, then it's much easier for me to let the continual play of emotions go, and just be like, when I encounter someone, and I've encountered a couple of people in Zen center, I've, you know, frozen the, um, anger or the feeling of violation, and because I'm not connected with them in any other way, except the inside of the Zen dome, I'm not able to, I'm not able to share with them, and I feel violated, and when I can't share, it doesn't go away, so as I was listening to you, I think, um, that has to do with the sense of self as well,

[71:09]

oh, anger's secret, it's, it's a sin of Buddhism, it's one of the worst three, so if I can keep it secret, and not admit to my humanness, then maybe that's what causes that huge feathery tail, hmm, deploy, yeah, yeah, whereas if I can just say, look, I'm angry with you, it happens every day, how do you feel, I prefer you didn't do such and so, um, then I can, um, just be, and let it flow, so let me just say this back to you to make sure I got it, so for the most part, in most circumstances, you're able to share with someone your anger, and sounds like you're not, you don't necessarily express anger, but it sounds like it's a little bit removed from

[72:15]

expressing anger, just as closer to when you said share, use the word share, talking about it with them, not necessarily acting on it, is that what you're saying, and when you do that, it just goes, or it flows in some way, but there's been some circumstances at Zen Center where anger has arisen, you felt violated in some way, your person, your body, or I don't know what happened, and you haven't been able to share or talk with the person about that, and the reason you haven't been able to talk with that person is, I'm not sure exactly why, there's no vehicle by which you can get together like that, they're a stranger, they don't even know you or something, well, you know, when you said it's one of the three sins, the only sin, or the main sin in

[73:34]

Buddhism is ignorance, that's, and belief in self, those are kind of the, if we're going to talk about sin, sin in Judeo-Christian is doing some action against the divine, what's been set forth as what the right thing to do isn't going against that, whereas in Buddhism, if you were going to call it, there's no divine to sin against, so there's no guilt in that way of going against, but there is ignorance, that's kind of the main problem, you know, ignorance is ignoring what's there, you know, what's up, so anger is one of the unwholesome states, you know, I don't think of it so much as sin, as an unwholesome state, and this thing about the difference between teacher and student,

[74:38]

or feeling like there's not access, but it's not just dissipating, right, it's kind of what, whatever the feelings are that, this anger thing, it's not necessarily going away of, by you looking at it, or examining it on your own, it kind of needs the other, you feel like it needs the dialogue, well, I would hope that there's nobody at Zen Center, teacher or otherwise, who is outside of this kind of dialogue, that's somehow immune, you know, and so if there's any way that I can help you have the dialogue, or find a way by which the dialogue might happen, I'd be happy to do that, because see, there's the other thing, which is,

[75:38]

let's see, we hurt people all the time, you know, unbeknownst to us, and also kill animals by stepping on them, and all sorts of things happen that we're not necessarily conscious of, and those things are not, in terms of karma, are not, which, you need to have the element of mind that knows that you're doing some harm, to have it be harm, to not know, does not accrue as unwholesome karma, so it needs this element of volition in there, so there's lots of, you know, someone may have said something, like people, we used to carry the stick in the Zendo, you know, the Kyusaku, to wake people up, and some people, when they were hit by the stick, felt very, felt it brought up everything from their past, of abuse, and that their father was violent, and beat them, and

[76:46]

all sorts of stuff, they couldn't stand it, they hated it, other people, they had a very neutral, they heard the sound, it was very enlivening, woke them up, if they asked for the stick, they really, really helped themselves in, and you know, just to hold, but the same event was going on, someone was walking down the rows, carrying a big stick, you know, or not necessarily big, but this long stick, so people were experiencing that very, very differently, and may have had enormous anger at the person who was carrying the stick, and somebody else, so I think the person carrying the stick is kind of a neutral, they were carrying, they were doing their job of carrying the stick, so whatever it was, however it was that you were hurt, you know, was there malicious intent, was there, what was going on there, and and the thing about keeping it hidden, you know,

[77:50]

well, it's up to you, if you want to, if it's time, maybe you need some help, or find some way to get this, not necessarily expressed, but to work on it, because it sounds like it's it's there to be worked on, would you say? It's very, it's very old, and I'm not that deep a wound, but I was really bringing up that to me, I get to protect myself, and if everybody knows around me that I get to protect myself, it's easy for me to forget, but if there's ever a break in that, where I don't get to protect myself from another person's point of view, I'm in a very hierarchical situation, and forgiveness is much more difficult. Let me try this, so, so hierarchically speaking, if you're protected, you feel you can forgive

[78:59]

those who are hierarchically below you, or equal to you, but forgiving, going supposedly vertically up in the hierarchy, doesn't, is much more difficult. But it has to do with communication, the openness. I can forgive someone who's higher in hierarchy, as long as there's open, honest communication. Yeah. Well, I think people would agree with you, yes, the difficulty of when there's not open communication, the forgiving, although the Buddhist practice is, even so, we have to forgive, you know, even so, the practice is to forgive, so it may be totally, I think this is where it may take a whole lifetime, you know, because it may be just you, the person may have, the person may not be around to work it out with anymore, they may be, and yet you have all this stuff, and then how do you forgive them?

[80:02]

Well, it's, it's, that's the vow, the vow is to not abandon any beings, even though they're gone, you know. What? I was doing this. Okay. Um, anger, it's very physical for me. Yes. Um, I don't know how you can express anger nicely because if I'm angry, um, it's, it's almost my body's vibrating, and, and then that's the point of forgiveness. I mean, I have, I'm not able to forgive myself when I get so angry, because when I see, I feel like this immense attack towards the world, towards something else, and I feel this a lot with my child. They're like, I forgive him, I think, oh God, I've done it, now it's fine, and after three seconds, I turn again at the same point, and I go like, I haven't forgiven anything.

[81:03]

And this is very, very difficult for me to deal with, because I really do feel that I forgive him, or I'm talking about him, because I think any mother here knows this. Um, but then when he comes up and say again, and again, and again, and again, it's like, you start feeling, what have I done? You know, what, what, it really becomes physical, you want to, yeah, I mean, to me it comes like yelling, because that's my family pattern. Um, but how do you deal with that? Like, you have this feeling of forgiveness, you relax, it's like very beautiful, oh, I love this so much, and after three seconds, a little bit there, a little bit there, and then it comes all back together. I, I mean, probably I didn't really forgive, or that's the doubt that comes into my mind. Probably I didn't really forgive him, because then I would be able to, to be more patient. I can

[82:08]

be patient for one, two, three times, and then I lose it. And, and this is really like, um, um, the ground thing. I mean, I'm talking about dealing with the child, or really doing things that we don't like, like, you know, washing dishes every day, and stuff like that. I don't, I haven't learned how to deal with that. Like, I have this immense amount of love for him, and moments, and it's not constant, obviously, from what I'm saying, but, and then, and then I got tricked in everything, and I feel that what I've done, the work I've done, or the forgiveness I've done, is totally gone. Totally. I mean. You know what it sounds like to me, in a way, and I don't know if this is on track, but it almost sounds like your love is conditional, and your son is testing you to see if she's still going to love me if I push her buttons, and if he somehow felt that it was unequivocal that you

[83:13]

loved him no matter what he did, no matter how many times he pushed your button, he might not feel it necessary to do that. That's very true. That's very true. I don't know, I mean, are you a mother? I have three kids. So, were you able to do this constantly? I mean, I'm asking you because if you were, I would love to know a mother that is able to do this all the time, because I don't, I, I, it's like, it goes, it opens and close, opens and close. I mean, if you're able to be at that level all the time, I, oh God. No, I'm not able to be patient all the time, but my kids know that no matter what they do, the condition of my love for them never ever changes, and I will even tell them that. I'll say, you know, you can go out and kick the dog or whatever it is that you think is a horrible act, and I said, it never affects my feelings for you, but I don't like what you're doing. And you don't get angry. Yeah, I get angry. I was talking about no love. I was talking about anger.

[84:16]

I wasn't talking, my love is always the same in terms of, you know, what I feel. It's mostly than my reaction. It's the anger. The thing about forgiveness, it's not a once and for all thing. You have to, the next moment something else arises, and you may have to forgive again. You can't, it doesn't work to say, I forgive them, and then we're done. Then I don't have to think about it anymore. So the, for you to say, I must not have forgiven him because I'm angry, I don't think that follows. You forgave that particular event, and now there's a whole new ball game that's going on. So then you have, it's hard work. You have to start all over again. Patience is the virtue that you use for anger. Patience is not necessary when it's mostly used for anger. Patience, to be sitting in a doctor's office waiting when you're enjoying yourself reading a

[85:22]

magazine, and you don't need patience, particularly, unless you're really angry at the doctor for being so late. Then you need patience. Patience is what you need to call upon for anger. And, you know, there's various, there's a lot written about this. You know, one of the main things that this 8th century teacher Shanti Davis says about patience with anger is to remain like a piece of wood. That's his admonition. Well, remain like a piece of wood is sort of like counting to 10, you know, before you say anything. You just, you don't do anything. You don't, because as you say, it's a very physical thing. You want to hit, or you want to yell, or you want to shake, or you want to stomp, or smash the wall, or something. So you remain like a piece of wood. That's the Buddhist admonition. Now, that doesn't mean unfeeling. You are totally feeling this fully in all parts of your anatomy, you know, and your face is red, and your heart's thumping,

[86:24]

and you're just, but you don't act, you know. You remain like a piece of wood, and it has its, it arises and vanishes, you know. It has, it's not a permanent thing. Nothing is. So if you can ride it out with mindfulness, well, basically, patience is what you need, and to, Thich Nhat Hanh talks about holding your anger with the arms of mindfulness, where you wrap your anger in your own capacity, which you have of mindfulness, to see it, feel it, and not act on it, and you watch it. You can even say, breathing in, I mean, maybe some of you have done this practice. Breathing in, I feel extremely angry. Breathing out, I feel so angry. Breathing in, I feel, and you just, until you get to the point where it says, breathing out, I feel a little less angry. Breathing in, I'm feeling, and you can feel it, you can see it

[87:30]

diminish with this ability of arms. I think of it as these arms of mindfulness, holding yourself, and holding this emotional event, and watching it, and studying it. So, if you ever try this, in the moment of this anger, where it's washing over you, it is a physical event. That's why some of us really love anger, because you get an enormous amount of energy. It's like, in fact, most of the other time, you were sort of lazy and sloth and torpor type, but when you're angry, you can do anything. So we like it, because it animates us, we feel. But, so it is this physical, very physical event. But to act on it creates, you know, you don't want harm, to not do harmful things, to live for the benefit of others. So what, to act on that will go against your most deepest intention. Anger, what anger destroys,

[88:35]

anger destroys all your bodhisattva, it destroys the bodhisattva vow, anger. It's one of the main things that can destroy, or kind of, I'll say destroy. So it is a very difficult practice. It doesn't come from, yeah, well, I shouldn't do this, so I better try that. It takes every inch, every molecule of body and mind, of your psycho-physical being to hang in there, and not, and be like a piece of wood, which is not unfeeling, you know, I just mean not acting. So with your child, and then out of that, then maybe you find a very creative thing to do, like sprinkling water over his head, or I don't know, you know, something unusual that turns the whole situation. Yeah, because it's not a lack of love. I mean, even in that, you know that you love that being. It's the, I never thought about that, like it is one of the most alive things that we can

[89:43]

experience. It's very addictive. Yes. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm addicted. I'm very good. I mean, I'm looking at it now, because it's really like adrenaline, and probably he's helping me all over more and more to see this, and probably, you know, even the teacher can be the one who shows us that, so that we get upset, and we look at it. That's the only way you can work on patience. One of the hardest things to work on is patience, if you're in a community that's very harmonious. I've said this before, because everybody's so loving, and kind, and no harsh speech, and, you know, they're bringing you tea, and it's just, so you don't ever, you don't ever get to work on patience, which has to arise with anger, and these kinds of states. So your child, you know, nine vows, this is a great teaching for you. Who else can do it? That's

[90:46]

right. I'm very happy to say, to see this. Yeah. Because it has the same, it's so alive. It's like all of your body becomes suddenly present. Somehow it's present with anger. It's a wrong kind of presence, but definitely you don't feel that any piece of you is. It's very direct. Yeah. So, and just to be able to turn that into the same present into. Yes. And probably that's why it's so difficult to really and totally feel anger. Some people are very, I mean, sometimes it's even difficult to feel totally the power of anger, because once you really feel it, then you can turn it. In different ways, use that energy in different ways. Yeah. Yeah, I think that energy can be used in a lot of different ways, very creatively, um, not for harm, you know, it's energy, you know, it's, it's very powerful energy. So.

[91:53]

Thank you. Thank you. Yes. It's very interesting. I have four children and there's one that really does this to me and I do it to her though. I think, I mean, I probably, you know, reacting to her and, uh, I probably dread being around her the most and love her the most. I mean, she just makes all these feelings come out. So, and I keep putting myself in a position so I could learn. And it seems now that she's teaching me how to behave with her rather than me being the one doing it. And it's all of a sudden I'm realizing she's 27 and I'm realizing there's a lot of fear. There's a lot of fear of me, of letting it go because there's something in it. I don't know. I just, this is just lately, all this stuff has come up and I just keep inviting her to go places with me and still dread it. And we just keep learning. And it's

[93:01]

it's, but if I'm really quiet, like you say, because I'd say, be quiet, don't say anything, don't react. She goes, you're not saying anything because you're judging me, aren't you? And you're telling me the truth. And it's like, it's just coming through the phone. And so now it's like, she talks and I have to really pull out this nonjudgment, love, let her go, have a compassion for her because it's almost for me. Because I think the part that she's getting to me is me, the part of me that I don't like. And the more that I like myself, the more that I like her. And it's just what she's doing is she's just slamming me in my face, you know, and making me accept myself. And it's just amazing how much I'm learning from her. That's a great, great description. Thank you. Do all of you have people like this in your life? I mean, it could be the guy who sits next to you at work or

[94:03]

they just, they can get, they can push your buttons like nobody else, you know, tone of voice. And there was recently somebody that was this way for me. And I, I really, it was, I saw the humor in because they could get to me like nobody in years has been able to get to me. They would say something and I was, it would be like, I would practically, my mouth would drop open. I'd kind of go, wow, I couldn't believe she was saying what she was saying, but she was. And so I really, it was like a chance to, I felt really work hard. Here we go. And I, I finally, we finally kind of talked about it. I told her how I really, I said, I appreciate you so much. I mean, I felt like this person was such a good teacher for me because whatever was going on between us

[95:04]

and she would continue doing her stuff and I would continue just being knocked over, you know? So that's, these are these wonderful instances where you get to work really hard and you develop very fast kind of in those. The other ones are a little more slow paced, but those you just, if you're working, you can practically feel yourself kind of being molded into a more present being. You've got to stay present. That's the thing. You have to be present with people like this or you, you get totally angry, you fly off the handle, you go run away. You, you have to stay really close. Yeah. Well, I was thinking that the best thing I could do is walk away when we walk and you're saying not to, huh? I'm not, not necessarily.

[95:55]

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