This is evidence that we all need help. All right, I'll just try not to wiggle around too much. Good morning. My name is Yvonne Rand, and I live and teach down the road at a place dedicated to Buddhist practice, and I've practiced here for a number of years, so I'm very happy to be here. What I want to talk about this morning is suffering, and in particular, the challenge which I think arises for many, if not all of us, in the context of what's happening in the world today. And the arising for many of us of anxiety and fear, and of some sense of not knowing

[01:15]

how to be present with things as they are. The challenge to know how to act, and when to act, and when to be still. As some of you who have heard me teach before, you may know that I have a very longstanding interest in the expressions coming out of our own Western culture base that resonate with the teachings of Shakyamuni Buddha and in the Buddhist path. So I'm going to use two statements by two poets as a way of opening up the territory. The first quote that I'd like to read is by Rilke. So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises before you larger than any you have

[02:27]

ever seen. If an anxiety like light and cloud shadows moves over your hands and everything that you do, you must realize that something has happened to you. Life has not forgotten you. It holds you in its hands and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you. And then these lines from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life

[03:37]

sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. My own experience is that my capacity to be present with the suffering of the world rests with my developing capacity to be present with the suffering within myself and within my own life experience. That those capacities are inextricably bound with each other. Sometimes those of us who are followers of the Buddha's way are described as self-centered

[04:42]

navel gazers. But, of course, that view arises from not having all the information, which is that only until and unless we can be present with and develop our capacity for presence with our own suffering can we begin to have some opening to the suffering of the world. To the suffering of others. That they go inextricably together. So part of the challenge is to develop some taste, and I would argue very briefly is good enough to be present with what arises that we have some habitual mental reaction of

[05:46]

I can't do this. I can't stand this. I want to get rid of this. Oh, aversion. And I know from my own experience and the experience of those I practice with that it is possible to notice some mental and emotional reactive pattern and quickly get out of dodge. Cut the placement of attention on reaction and come back into the present moment by bringing attention to the physical body and the breath. And the more specific my attention with neutral body sensation and then breath,

[06:49]

the more effective that mode, if you will, for bringing myself into the present moment. I may not stay in the present moment for more than a nanosecond, but can I be willing for that? And especially with some practice and training, I may uncover the capacity to let attention rest on the breath and at the same time include awareness of whatever suffering arises in the mind, in the physical body, in the spiritual body, in the emotional body. And, of course, when I do that, when I do that turning toward what I can't imagine being present with

[07:52]

without any storytelling going on, I give myself the chance to experience that even this reactive mental pattern, this reactive emotional pattern, this suffering in this moment on this inhalation, on this exhalation has the mark of impermanence. I don't care what arises in the detail of our suffering. Our relationship to suffering shifts when we understand, unlike the storytelling, that everything changes. Of course, we have some idea about how quickly we want the change to occur.

[09:00]

In meditation, we may have some ache in the leg or back or shoulders or neck that we want to go away. And after we try every strategy to get away from that suffering called physical discomfort, after we're worn out, most effectively in a seven-day retreat, about day three or four or five, all of our strategies for getting away from have been depleted enough so we might try turning toward. And, of course, when we do that, we discover that there are details and nuances in the direct experience

[10:05]

that's different from what we are telling ourselves in our head about what's going on. And, of course, when we turn toward, when we are present with suffering as it arises within ourselves, within our own mind stream, we also begin to discover that suffering is inextricably bound with joy. The greater my capacity for being present with suffering, the greater my experience of joy. Oh, but I'd like the joy part. I don't want the suffering part. Aversion.

[11:16]

Picking and choosing what we want and what we don't want keeps us stuck in suffering. I was so struck by this quote from Rilke. Don't spend too much time asking yourselves, why am I turning away? I think it's a waste of time to ask ourselves why about just about everything. Interestingly different from asking myself at some point, what do I see about the causes and conditions that have led to this, whatever this is arising in the moment? But can I be interested, can I actually develop some curiosity and interest in the details of what I would label as suffering?

[12:29]

What, when, how? I think that it's fair to label what the Buddha pointed out in the first turning of the wheel about suffering. There is suffering. Whatever is born passes away. All beings experience suffering. And I think that it's fair to say for us human beings that the territory of suffering, that the translation or interpretation of suffering could be our reactions. And classically reactions are described as mental reactions and right on the heels,

[13:35]

almost as though of a piece, reactive emotions. A number of years ago, when Suzuki Roshi was still alive, several times, certainly more than once, I heard him say, Well, this path, this vegetation path that we are on may be very slow. But once we have dismantled some piece of our suffering, that dismantling will be thorough and sure. And of course, for us Americans, we can't imagine what he meant by slow.

[14:37]

20, 30, 40 years? I don't know beyond that. I'm still counting. And of course, what I'm talking about requires that we be willing to notice reactions. Initially, that's the first task. And it's soon enough that we start to notice reactions. It's soon enough to notice our reactions after the moment in which a reaction arises. Suzuki Roshi also said, It takes as long as it takes. That was William Shon, excuse me. I have these two statements in our meditation room.

[15:42]

Suzuki Roshi said, Do not say too late. And the companion piece is the quote from William Shon, It takes as long as it takes. If I'm willing to notice some reaction, whenever I notice it, as soon enough, instead of what we can be so skillful at, we're berating ourselves for not having some seeing sooner. Oh, I see. My experience is that if I do that, if I'm willing to do that seeing some reaction, whenever I see the reaction, that my capacity to notice will begin to happen closer and closer to the moment in which the reaction arises.

[16:43]

And initially, that may take a while, because, of course, the habit of judgment, aversion, is for many of us very strong. So, it's good enough to see what I see when I see it, especially if I can bind that willingness to see with doggedness and determination and consistency in the development of my capacity to notice. But please beware of lingering with what you see, because that's when the habit, the reaction of storytelling will kick in. And I have not yet met anyone for whom storytelling

[17:47]

is not the occasion for sinking, for heartbreak. For the habit of beating ourselves up because we didn't do it soon enough, or right, or what a terrible person I am to have anger arise, or whatever. I first began studying Buddhism in the middle fifties as an undergraduate at Stanford. But I didn't really understand it. I didn't understand that it was possible to actually train and practice in this tradition until I met Suzuki Roshi in the sixties.

[18:50]

I had an experience last Saturday, which may give you some sense about how long it may take to study and train the mind. I was teaching in San Diego, and when I went into the bathroom in the house where the seminar I was doing was being held, there was, sitting on the windowsill, a very beautiful Irish porcelain cup. A very dear friend of mine gave me a cup in this same pattern many years ago. Translucent. You can see through the walls of the bowl where so thin the light would come through it, little clovers on the sides.

[19:59]

Very beautiful. Filled with something sweet-smelling. And the thought arose, I want that. If I take it, she won't notice. How embarrassing. I've been practicing for all these years. I'm a teacher. I'm devoted to looking good. I don't have thoughts like that. There's a word for that kind of thinking. And of course, what I celebrate is the arising of those thoughts, noticing those thoughts, vanishing of those thoughts,

[21:01]

not even a flicker towards picking up and taking the bowl. I consider that progress. What immediately arose on the heels of those two thoughts was a disciple of Buddha does not take what is not given. And I've trained with that precept for many years. How interesting that there is this lingering of attraction. It's no accident that there is this continual barrage about watch out for attraction and aversion. So who knows, depending on how much longer I live,

[22:12]

whether there will be some additional fading of such thoughts. But my purpose, if you will, is to cultivate, continue cultivating today my willingness to notice whatever arises without any exceptions. And I know that my willingness to begin to touch, to begin to know suffering as it arises in my own heart-mind, I almost immediately have access to some capacity to see, to notice. To have some awareness of the suffering of another being. And to begin to discover, not intellectually but experientially,

[23:21]

that I cannot separate suffering as it arises within me and suffering as it arises within another person. I think that part of what has happened for us, particularly since the events of September 11th, is that the world got a lot smaller for us Americans. And that for many of us, what people have lived with, not just human beings, but many beings have lived with in other parts of the world for a very long time, came in much closer. My hope is that we can begin to experience

[24:28]

the suffering of one other person as inseparable from the suffering that arises in me. The great monk Shantideva, who lived in the 8th century and lived and practiced at Nalanda University, has a line in his teaching on the cultivation of being a bodhisattva. Your so-called enemy or obstacle is your teacher. Because, of course, it is in the arising of, oh, that person is my enemy or that obstacle. Oh, I want to get rid of it. I want it to go away.

[25:29]

I get to see what is actually so about my mind stream. Not what I'd like to be so. Not in the category of what I call looking good. I have, for a while, been paying attention to the reactions that arise within me in a relationship between me and a colleague who externally has judged and blamed and rejected me. And the minute I let my attention rest with the little bit I know

[26:35]

about the suffering of this person, my capacity to not take any of those statements, expressions of blaming or judging or rejecting personally, and my capacity to have an open heart with this person, is accessible. But, of course, how many years have we been practicing whatever our favorite cluster of reactive patterns may be? In my case, I think a couple of the most dominant reactive patterns started in utero.

[27:37]

So I have creeping towards seven decades of practicing certain reactive mental patterns and the attending reactive emotions. This is where, for us as Americans, used to a fast pace and doing things and being effective in many cases, qualities that are much admired by people from other cultures. But in this context that I'm talking about, what Suzuki Roshi meant about, it may take a while, isn't probably what many of us imagine.

[28:45]

And, of course, we may be surprised that sometimes a kind of dissolving or dismantling of a particular habit happens rather quickly. For example, every time the reaction of habitual judgment arises to then go to gratitude and appreciation can be enormously effective in the dissolving of that reactive mental pattern or habit. So there are ways of cutting through, of dismantling our reactions. But it's no accident that right on the heels of the cultivation of generosity and appreciation

[29:53]

is the cultivation of patience. We must be patient and kindly, or studying the mind will not be much fun and we won't want to do it. It can begin to be fun. Oh, look at that. Wow. Oh, look at that. Thought of stealing Barbara's ball. Wow. Maybe I should write her a letter and tell her about it. But, of course, then is there some manipulation around she should send me the ball? Just right there and speaking it out loud, I think I won't write to her.

[30:53]

You have to watch out, especially for those of us who are smart. Smart manifests in very, very sophisticated reactive patterns. Oh, dear. I'm fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a number of papers and proposals about what we might do in the face of this impending war in Iraq. One of my favorites was that a whole lot of people would surround the White House and take their clothes off. I hope it happens. Maybe they'll have to wait until the weather gets warmer,

[31:57]

but then we might be in war, so maybe we just, you know, embrace the chill. There's a table outside in the tea area for any of you who would like to write a letter to the Pope asking him if he would go to Baghdad. There are all kinds of opportunities for finding our voice out of our capacity to feel some connection with the suffering of the world. I saw a picture the other day of some Iraqi boys playing soccer near the border between Iraq and Kuwait,

[33:00]

and they looked so much like the children I know here. I'm very close to a young Tibetan boy who will be eight, he'll be nine at the end of April, and I could see him in that picture. What I notice is if I can take one situation, one person, one myself as a mother, and my children, I can easily think about a mother and her children in the different parts of the world where we have what we call our enemies. I think that one of the great hazards of propaganda is that we believe what we're told

[34:04]

if we're told something enough times. But of course, propaganda tends to be generalizations. So what I'm asking of myself and of all of us is that we cultivate our willingness to be present with our own suffering and the suffering of others. In this meditation path that binds us together as we sit here this morning, the alternative to being self-centered navel-gazers is to pick up this impossible vow that is the mark of the Mahayana stream in Buddhism, to cultivate our capacity for full awakening

[35:07]

in order to bring about the full awakening of all beings. We have to start with our own suffering, but that's not the end point. Thank you very much.

[35:30]

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