Yang, I didn't know exactly what it was. Sometimes I was very impressed by our practice at Eheji and other monasteries. When I saw great teachers or listened to their lectures, I was deeply moved, but it was difficult to understand those experiences. Our aim is to have complete experience or full feeling in each moment of practice. What we teach is that enlightenment and practice are one, but my practice was what we call step-ladder Zen. I understand this much now, and next year, I thought, I will understand a little bit more. That kind of practice doesn't make much sense. I could never be satisfied. If you try step-ladder practice, maybe you too will realize that it is a mistake. Step-ladder

[01:05]

practice is like a little bit at a time you learn something, and then when you learn something, you learn something else. That's usual. In most educational endeavors, you learn something and then you learn something else, and then you learn something else, until finally you graduate. But in Zen, there's no graduation. Sorry. Zen practice, in the very beginning, you jump into the ocean and start swimming. It's like those little turtles. They come out of the sand at night in the moonlight, and then they walk to the edge of the ocean and then they start swimming. That's it. There's no preparation. And that swimming is what we do the whole time. So, it's a little difficult.

[02:15]

You either get it or you don't. You either sink or you swim. But we can always swim. It's kind of an interesting statement, which I think is attributed to Dogen. He says, swimming in the waves of the ocean, at the same time you're walking on the bottom of the ocean. Swimming in the top and walking on the bottom at the same time. So, even though you may be having problems with practice, in the form of practice, at the same time, if you're really practicing, you're always walking on the bottom. So, you can't really sink. Yeah, you have

[03:21]

to turn it up. You can't really sink. You can't really sink. Sink and swim. So, since, you know, not only do we jump into the ocean and start swimming, nobody really points out any direction. There is a direction, but we have to find that direction within the path, ourself. I remember when I first started to practice, and even so today, people when they come to Zen Center, to Page Street, they say, this place is very cold. Nobody is very warm here. We don't feel welcome or invited. This is a common, when I talk to

[04:28]

people on the phone at Zen Center, they always sound so cold. This is a common refrain that I hear all the time. But it's really not so. It's simply that we're not promising people something. We're not saying, oh, you should all come here and practice and then you'll be enlightened and everything will be fine. We don't say that. We allow people to come, we open the gate for people to come, but a person has to find their way in. They have to find their way in and they have to find out how to do something and how to make it work. And so we've all kind of done that, and we're still doing that. And this is always been my understanding from my teacher. He never really told me hardly anything. And

[05:37]

every time I would ask him a question about something, he would give me a bigger problem to deal with. This is our koan study. This is the way our koan study works in our practice. The problem you have becomes your koan. Rather than giving you mu or something like that, the problem you have becomes your koan. If you take the problem you have all the way down to the dharmakaya, it will become your koan. You take the problem you have, you can make it your koan. Any problem we have becomes the gateway. Every moment, actually, is the gateway. The mumon khan means gateless gate. What is a gateless gate? A gateless gate means every place, there's no gate. Every place is the entrance. Every moment is the entrance.

[06:44]

And if we miss the moment, we miss the gate. So every moment, practice. Continuous practice without any gap. And continuous practice without any gap is the gateway, even though it doesn't look like practice, even though it looks like I'm failing, even though it looks like I can't do this, or what am I going to do? This is all in the realm of practice. If whatever we do, we realize is in the realm of practice, then even though we have problems, every problem becomes a gateway. So that's walking on the bottom of the ocean while you're swimming in the waves. And even if the waves get really big and inundate you, you're still walking on the bottom. You can't really get lost, even though you're lost. So we're always finding

[07:52]

our way. And if we know what our way is too well, that's a disadvantage, because it means that we're not alert to what's in front of us, to how to deal with what's in front of us. So when Suzuki Gyoshin talks about precepts, he says, if you follow precepts literally, that's heresy. Funny word. Big word. Oh, heresy. But that's what he said. What he means is that following precepts literally is dead precepts. Even though the precepts tell you, give us guidelines as to how to live our life, which is very good, we have to find the meaning of the precept in each moment's activity. It's not written out. We have to find that on each moment. How do we act on each moment? It's a living precept. How do we relate on

[08:59]

each moment? And the underlying... The underlying meaning of precepts is wisdom and compassion. If we address every situation with wisdom and compassion, we'll be following the precepts. Without following the precepts, we'll actually be creating the precepts. So precepts is a creative endeavor, not a... Something that you can pull out of the drawer and check off. So sometimes not following

[10:01]

the written precept is to actually follow the true precept. So, he says, if we do not have some warm, big satisfaction in our practice, that is not true practice. Even though you'd sit trying to have the right posture and counting your breath, it may still be lifeless zazen, because you're just following instructions. Looks like monastic practice is just to follow the instructions. It's true. You think that if you follow the instructions given by some teacher, then you will have a good zazen. But the purpose of instruction is to encourage you to be kind with yourself. Do not count

[11:06]

your breaths just to avoid your thinking mind, but to take the best care of your breathing. If you are very kind with your breathing, one breath after another, you will have a refreshed warm feeling in your zazen. When you have a warm feeling for your body and your breath, then you can take care of your practice and you will be fully satisfied. When you are very kind with yourself, naturally you will feel like this. What does it mean, really, to take care of your breath, of your breathing? Breathing is something which just goes on, whether you like it or not. We are breathed rather than we are breathing. If we say, I am breathing, then it sounds like you're doing something,

[12:10]

but actually you're not doing anything. Breathing just happens. Sometimes we control our breath, but it's not the same. Breath comes and goes, so to speak, and it's totally involuntary. So instead of, I am breathing, actually I am breathed. So what is the difference between how do we take care of this? How do we not hinder breathing? Often we hinder breathing when we are anxious, when we are fearful, when we are excited or confused. The breath is up here. So if we want to be kind to ourselves, we allow the breath to go down to what feels like our lower abdomen. Inhaling, it expands. Exhaling, it contracts. This is proper breathing,

[13:21]

relaxed breathing. So we should always be breathing here. People say, well sometimes it's okay to breathe up here. Maybe, but I don't think so. I think we should always breathe down here. And we should always be aware of where our breath is. Always. This is the most fundamental thing about practice is to know where our breathing is at all times. How our breathing is. Is it excited or is it calm? But where are we breathing from? Where does the breath reach? So especially in zazen and also in our daily life, to keep the breath here. This is called the sea of qi. Kind of like the key of sea, but the qi is breath,

[14:27]

but it's also fundamental. And it's called also the breath of the mind. Rice paddies, which means warm feeling. When we can breathe easily in this sick part of our body, our whole body becomes warm and our disposition becomes warm. And we feel a real accord with body, breath and mind. So this is how we practice zazen. Establish warm feeling. Sometimes when we have a lot of pain or a situation where we don't know what to do next, you can push on the exhale. A kind of silent groan on the

[15:36]

exhale. And that kind of aerates your body and gives you some relief. Sends oxygen through your body. The blood comes to this part of your body. So, we also say to have warm feet and a cool head. So this whole lower part of our body should have warmth. Warm feet, warm qi and a cool head. Cool head is not allowing excitement to dominate. And the way we don't allow excitement to dominate is to keep the energy down here. Focus down here. So whenever we get agitated, we get angry, we get upset, put your mind

[16:39]

in your hara here. And focus on your breath. And that will calm down your whole body and mind. So he says, a mother will take care of her child even though she may have no idea how to make her baby happy. Similarly, when you take care of your posture and your breathing, there is a warm feeling in it. When you have a warm feeling in your practice, that is a good example of the great mercy of Buddha. Whether you are a priest or a lay person, the practice will extend to your everyday life. When you take the utmost care of what you do, then you feel good. So, this is what, part of what Tatsagami

[17:44]

Roshi was teaching us with this Menmitsu no Kafu, my first practice period when I was shuso, he was my teacher. That's when we, you know, Tatsagami Roshi, when I was shuso, introduced us to the Do-Wan-Ryo and how to create a monastic situation. Suzuki Roshi kind of started Tatsahara, but he didn't develop the monastic life. Tatsagami Roshi did that, and he was my jugoshi or teacher when I was shuso. It was a very fun practice period. So, he said, Menmitsu no Kafu, which means

[18:54]

this kind of warm-hearted feeling of family feeling, practicing together with a warm-hearted feeling, and he said, and as Hatsudon Mon says, we are one Buddha and one ancestor. He said, we are one monk. I remember that. In those days, we didn't chant the Hokyo Zen-mai or any other chant. We had no chant except the heart sutra in Japanese. So, when I first came to Zen Center, we chanted the Japanese heart sutra three times, and that was our service. When Tatsagami Roshi came in 1970, people asked him about other chants, so he gave us his other chants, but Sando Kai, and we all chanted all those in Japanese, and we did the meal chant in Japanese. During that time,

[19:59]

the chants started to become translated, but little by little. So, all this chanting that we do is actually quite recent, and it keeps being re-translated and developed. Right now, I can't remember any of the chants that we chant now, because they're too close to the chants that we used to chant. So, I keep stumbling over the words. The new students know it all, but I know nothing. That's good. So, then he talks about Tozan. He says, Tozan Ryokai attained enlightenment many times. Once, when he was crossing a river, he saw

[21:03]

himself reflected in the water and composed a verse. Don't try to figure out who you are. If you try to figure out who you are, what you understand will be far away from you. You will have just an image of yourself. Actually, you are in the river. You may say that it is just a shadow or a reflection of yourself, but if you look carefully with warm-hearted feeling, that is you. So, you know, like facing a precious mirror, form and image behold each other. You are not it, but in truth it is you. So, this is his comment on that, Tozan's. And every time that he talks about it, he translates it a little bit differently, which is good. I remember when I talked to Sheng Yin. Can you hear? It seems like it's working. It's

[22:09]

not working. When I'm up, it's not. He said, when I was talking to Sheng Yin about the sound of Kai, and I gave him Suzuki Roshi's translation before it was edited, and he said, I said, what do you think of it? He said, well, you know, he said, only Tozan knew what he meant. So, I thought that was pretty good.

[23:12]

We're all trying to figure out what Tozan meant, but only Tozan knew what he meant. So, that means that everybody has an equal opportunity to interpret what Tozan meant, and we don't have to criticize each other. But Suzuki Roshi has his own way of thinking about it, and I like that. He stretches it quite a bit. So, yes, when you look at, when Tozan sees his image in the mirror, in the stream, the stream itself is his image. Whatever he meets is himself. So, every place I turn, I meet myself. This is a true understanding of who you are. But if you try to figure out who you are, you'll never figure it out. No way to figure out who you are. The way to know who you are is to not know who you are. If you don't know who you are, then you do know who you are. But if you do know

[24:16]

who you are, you don't know who you are. So, there's always a little mystery there. You may think you are very warm-hearted, but when you try to understand how warm, you cannot actually measure. Yet, when you see yourself with a warm feeling in the mirror or water, that is actually you. And whatever you do, you are there. When you do something with a warm-hearted feeling, Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of Wisdom, is there. And there is the true you. You don't know, I'm sorry, you don't have to wonder where Manjushri is or what he is doing. When you do things with your warm-hearted mind, that is actual practice. That is how to take care of things and that is how to communicate with people. We have to understand that Manjushri is our wisdom mind. There's not some Manjushri out

[25:20]

there. Although, it's also your wisdom mind, as well as mine. So, Manjushri does exist as a kind of demigod, maybe. But Manjushri is common to all of us when we have prajna, when we realize prajna, which is intuitive wisdom. It's not acquired wisdom, but intuitive wisdom. Acquired wisdom is panya. Panya is intellectual, acquired wisdom. Prajna is intuitive wisdom, what is already within us, which comes forth when we meet circumstances. And this is Manjushri. So, Manjushri is always with us. And Manjushri expresses wisdom as

[26:29]

compassion. So, he didn't say Avalokiteshvara is there. He said Manjushri. But Avalokiteshvara is there, too, because Manjushri expresses himself as Avalokiteshvara. So, you know, when we come to a place like Tassajara, we don't know exactly who's going to be here, and we don't know everybody. And there's a limited number of people, and we're all doing the same practice, and nobody leaves, nobody comes in. And these are the people that we live with, and we didn't choose them. We didn't choose our friends. We just find ourselves here with each other. And we have to learn how to relate, and we have to learn how to find ourselves in the midst of this group of people. And

[27:39]

some people will make us angry, some people will make us happy, some people will make us feel one way or another. But our feelings are our own, and nobody makes us feel one way or another. Someone does something, and we respond with some kind of feeling. There are many kinds of feelings that we can respond with. So, when someone makes us angry, quote unquote, we should not look at that person, but look at our own response, because our practice is our own. There's no one making us do something. There's no one that's making me angry. No one is making me sad. These are simply my feelings, which I use to respond with. So, we should examine our feelings, and we should not blame the practice for anything,

[28:39]

and we should not blame each other for anything, and we should not blame ourselves for anything. We should simply examine our feelings. Do I have to respond in this way? Someone may be contributing to my feelings, or to the way I feel, but they're not making me feel a certain way. So, as we were talking about yesterday, each one of us has a certain flavor, and we have certain reactive modes. Some of us easily get angry, some of us easily dismiss anger, some of us, you know, we have different dispositions, and when something, some kind

[29:40]

of relationship occurs, we don't, we should, it's not that suddenly I got angry. The anger is something I'm carrying, and I use that as a way to respond. It's not necessary to be carrying it. We think, well, it just came up now, but we have to examine that. So, it's okay for anger to come up, and we have to own it, and recognize it, and withhold judgment, but just examine it. What am I doing? So, some of you are priests, and some of you are not

[30:43]

priests, and each of you will go your own way. So, it's really, those of you who are not married, and those of you who are married, each have your own way of extending practice to your everyday lives. Although our situations are different, practice is the same, and we all meet Monjushri. Even though he is one, he is everywhere, with everyone, and everything. Whatever you do, wherever your practice is, Monjushri is there. The secret is not to forget the true mercy of Buddha, who takes care of everything. If we lose this point, whatever we do doesn't make sense. So, there's a lot of stuff that can be talked about in this paragraph. In Tassajara, monastic practice is based on single person's practice. Not just Tassajara, but the whole of Zen Center

[31:45]

practice is based on single person, quasi-monastic life, and it's always been hard on families and couples, because it demands that you get up early in the morning, and you put your energy into a take a secondary position. So, couples in Tassajara have an extra problem to deal with. Everybody has a certain problem. If you're a single person, you have the problem of wanting somebody. If you have a marital problem, you have the problem of being with somebody. So, either way,

[32:54]

it's a problem. So, either way, it's okay, and we try to make it work for everybody. But it is hard. You only spend a little bit of time with each other if you're married, or whatever your partner, whatever kind of arrangement you have. When I was director in 1973 or 2 and 3, my wife worked in the kitchen, and I was the director. And I was on all the time, as the director always is, and my wife's schedule was totally different than mine, and we only saw each other occasionally. So, your relationship has to be very strong in order to survive, and you have to give each other a lot of space. I think an ideal relationship is one where you trust each other and want to help the other one to practice. And so, you give them as much space as

[34:08]

they need, because you're practicing. And so, if you give each other that space, when you do have time together, that becomes very quality time. But if you try to make it too quality time, you create another problem. Because then you're expecting something. So, without expecting anything, just to be able to understand what our practice is and how we relate to everyone, you have to relate to everyone else besides our partner. So, it's difficult, difficult practice, but if you are open and give space to each other, it works. And it also adds to the energy and the quality of the practice.

[35:09]

Oh, mercy, mercy Buddhism. I remember Richard Baker one time said to me, you know, what I practice is transmission Buddhism, not mercy Buddhism. And I thought, wow, that's an interesting thing to say, because Buddha is all about mercy and compassion, and transmission is also part of that. But to put the emphasis on, you know, it's kind of like hierarchical, taking a hierarchical stand, rather than thinking of hierarchy as being more important than the broad, compassionate mind of Buddha. So, Suzuki Roshi was always aware of Buddha's mercy. In other words, as long as you are sincere,

[36:29]

Buddha will take care of you. Even if you're not sincere, Buddha will take care of you. So we put emphasis on warm heart, warm zazen, the warm feeling we have in our practice is, in other words, enlightenment, or Buddha's mercy, Buddha's mind, Buddha's mind. It is not a matter of just counting your breath or following your breath. If counting the breath is tedious, it may be better just to follow the breath. But the point is, while inhaling and exhaling, to take care of the breath, just as a mother watches her baby. If the baby smiles, the mother will smile. If the baby cries, the mother is worried. That kind of relationship, being one with your practice, is the point. I'm not talking about anything new, the same old stuff. So, if we take care of Buddha, Buddha will take care of the rest.

[37:32]

Goodbye. Our monastic rules are based on kind, warm-hearted mind. The idea is not to restrict your freedom, but rather to give you freedom to behave and act in your own way. It is not so important to follow the rules literally. Actually, if you break a rule now and then, we will know what is wrong with you, and your teacher, without criticizing you, will be able to help you more accurately. In other words, we should follow the rules, but we can't follow the rules completely. And when you show your weakness, or you show your inability to do something, or you show who you are, then we see who you are, and then it can be helped, not criticized.

[38:54]

I think it's very important not to just criticize. I think what he's saying is, don't be rule-bound. We're not trying to be rule-bound. Practice is voluntary. We're all here voluntarily, because we agree to do something. This is not the army, even though it may seem like the army, but it's not the army. So we're all here voluntarily participating in this endeavor, but we expect to... The reason it works is because we all honor our commitment. So we honor our commitment, and this whole thing works. But for somebody to try and make people do something doesn't work. Who wants to do that? Who wants to round up everybody and make them do something? Well, there are teachers that do that. That's okay. But I don't like it. I'd rather have us make our big effort. But when we can't, when we don't, for whatever reason, then we can see who you are and help you, maybe.

[40:13]

Even helping somebody may be arrogant, but we can help you to help yourself, to see where your problem is. So he said, this is how to improve your practice in order to have good control over your desires in your everyday life. Then you have big freedom from everything. And this is the goal of practice, both for priests and for lay people. I wanted to end in time so that the kitchen didn't have to leave, but it didn't make it. Actually, if you did, it's only 20 hours. It says lectures in a quarter of an hour, but you're on time. I'm not even on time, but they're not. They left too soon. But that's good, because the rice will be cooked. Thank you very much.

[41:12]

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