I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. I vow... Susan, it's good today. That's a good amount of volume. She can hear me. I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Just a reminder. How many of you were able to say the last sentence of the Japanese part of the chant we just did in one breath? You did? Really? I am impressed. I just barely made it. It's supposed to be in one breath, right?

[01:11]

You didn't ask how many just made it. Just made it? How many just made it? You and me. Too tasty? This morning, as I did the Jindo, where you walk around from altar to altar in the morning, I can't turn my head or else the sound goes away, so I can't see you guys.

[02:14]

When I walked into the kitchen, the tenzo was standing there with rubber boots on, and something was wrong with the picture. I knew, so I asked him how it was going today. And he said there was a vast flood, so I bowed and left. We never really know what our life is going to bring. So, we've been sitting together, coming together now, with each other and with ourselves, for four days. We are almost halfway through something. I don't know what it is, but like Paul said yesterday, we're definitely into it at this point.

[03:25]

It has become us. And we have become it. We are now Zazen mind, whatever it is. We're just here, doing this something, sitting facing the wall, moment after moment, period after period. And now, day after day. It's a joke, but, I mean, it's kind of silly, isn't it? I mean, really. Usually, if you say to somebody, if they haven't done this kind of thing before,

[04:31]

and you tell them what you're about to do, they either don't understand, or they feel really threatened for some reason. And we don't call this aesthetic practice, right? Aesthetic practice is when you don't eat for a while. But this is kind of aesthetic practice, because everything has been taken away, really. This is like what it is in a monastery, for those of you who are inclined to such things. Everything is taken away, except yourself. And so, here we are, sitting. And this is what Seshin is about. Moment after moment, facing ourselves.

[05:36]

And, as Paul also said yesterday, whatever we see, however we respond, is our self. Whether it's our small, so-called, self, or whether it's our so-called big self, it definitely is the mirror of our lives. So, finally, we just don't know.

[06:48]

Big self, small self, happy self, sad self, whatever it is, finally, we just don't know. Maybe we could just forget about the whole thing and throw ourselves into the moment. Buddha did not promise heaven or one happy moment after another, but he did say that the extra unnecessary suffering we've built for ourselves out of our conditioning, that suffering, we can be free of. And that was his promise. That is his promise. And it is the same promise today as it was then. We, each one of us, have an ocean of sadness.

[08:00]

Most of us. Not everybody. That has been poured out of our own tears, drop by drop, each drop coming from a time when we have killed ourselves, killed who we are in order to survive while we were making up our karmic self. That sadness lives as an ocean of tears. Zen is about letting ourselves live the life we each richly deserve, manifesting exactly who we are.

[09:11]

It's about letting ourselves free from our conditioning until that ocean is run dry by the heat of illumination, the light of awareness. It is that awareness that heals. Just to be aware is everything. So we're in the fourth day. It's a good day, the fourth day. We've put in a great effort so far. Everybody is making their best effort. No matter what it looks like, that is the person's best effort. So, we can gather this effort into being present. Whatever place you're at, whatever you're looking at,

[10:32]

that is where your path is now. It doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter if it's bliss. It doesn't matter if it's uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if it's joy. It doesn't matter if it's anything. The important thing is simply to be aware. We have, hopefully, finally, at this day, surrendered, perhaps out of plain old fatigue or with watching the same thoughts over and over again, or perhaps we're really beginning to settle with this life as it is, beginning to let the thing we love speak to us.

[11:40]

Perhaps we're beginning to hear the Dharma. The trees speak of it. The cars speak of it. The cool breeze in the evening speaks of it. Sexual feelings speak of it. Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Everything is always changing. Everything is connected to everything else.

[12:44]

Can we begin to move away from always automatically believing the content of our thoughts to watching the process of mind? Can we remember to return over and over again to the body which is always present and allow ourselves to hear the Dharma? At Walden Pond, Thoreau wrote, I was interrupted from my reading by the sound of a train. I looked up and saw a carload of torn sails and I could read the sails as though it was written in a book, their history of the storms they had weathered and had been torn through.

[13:47]

This is seeing dependent co-arising. All the history, all your personal history, all the storms, all the wounds are now available for you to simply watch. We study and gather information until we can see through the machinations of the self, until we are no longer fooled by it. Watch carefully. See if this so-called small self

[14:55]

cares about you. It might take some time to notice. There are many books of stories about our ancestors The one that's particularly associated with Soto Zen is called the Book of Serenity or the Book of Equanimity. The very first story in that book is called The World Honored One Ascends the Seat. This is the story. It's very short. The World Honored One Ascends the Seat. One day the World Honored One ascended the seat. Manjushri struck the gravel and said, struck the gavel

[16:01]

and said, clearly observe the Dharma of the Sovereign of Dharma. The Dharma of the Sovereign of Dharma is thus. The World Honored One then got down from his seat. Manjushri is the statue. It's particularly interesting that he's the one in this story because he's the embodiment of wisdom or the Bodhisattva that helps with wisdom. He's in every zendo with a sword in his hand like this. Raised up, ready to strike. Ready to cut through. Ready to cut through attachment to emotion thought. Ready to cut through the ancient twisted karma of the self. So the reason why the Buddha ascended the seat and then got down

[17:33]

was because Manjushri made him into an object, was pointing, called him a name, put him in a box. And the Buddha was uncomfortable. Well, I don't know if the Buddha was uncomfortable, but I'm imagining. At any rate, to point to what just had happened, this kind of dualistic event that Manjushri did, that he got down from his seat. Here's the verse that goes along with that story. The unique breeze of reality do you see? Continuously creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring. But nothing can be done about Manjushri's leaking. So, Manjushri leaked and made the living flow of reality into a dead toy.

[18:42]

Whenever we believe the content of our thoughts, which are concepts, we make the living flow of reality into a dead toy. A dead duck, as they say. However, Manjushri's leaking can be understood in many ways because, after all, we leak all the time. All the time it is a world of duality and we can't help it. We live in this karmic world. So, how is it that we can sit in the midst of what's going on in our mind and not leak? Or, another way of putting it, how can our leaking be not leaking? When are exactly the thoughts we have and the feelings we have

[19:49]

awakened thoughts and feelings, and when diluted? And how can we lay down the burden of the self? Does it mean that the self isn't there? But we know, all of us have had the experience of laying down that burden at one time or another. And you know what it feels like. Whenever we actually really let go of who we think we are, whenever we're kind of really holding on, that feeling of kind of rocking back and forth with, yes, I know what's right, I know what reality is, this really is my idea of what's going on, when we're really kind of caught there, and for some reason or another something has kind of turned you, it just takes a little bit of a turn, and you just lay that down,

[20:52]

you lay that holding down and you let go, falling into, I just don't know. When that happens, you fall into life, concentration immediately presents itself, and you feel open, and you can breathe easily, because there's no more separation between you and life, because what that separation is, is the contraction around your point of view, and the point of view that we're carrying is the point of view that the self has, it's the self's point of view. And when we let that go deeply, not just superficial ideas or superficial feelings, but when we let the self go,

[21:56]

the idea even of identification with the self, when we let that go, that's a feeling of liberation. So we have these little liberated moments all the time. The feeling of contraction under the more superficial feelings of grasping and aversion we so habitually cling to is the place to settle. We want to watch the self as it's created. What was the incident that we wrapped ourself around? What is the incident that brought up self-clinging? And how does that feel?

[22:58]

That's where we want to settle, at the sense of separation. To do this we have to, of course, be aware, just clearly observe what's going on in the present moment. The Chinese character for that is abandon, to give up, to resign to. And that actually is how we observe. We renounce our interest in the content of the world of emotion-thought so that we can watch the process of mind at work. And eventually we observe in such a way

[24:06]

as to give up even observing. We just surrender to don't-know. We give up the observing self. That's the way to look. Totally vulnerable to experience not knowing anything at all. Can we stand it? It's really hard. It's really uncomfortable. All the time we're trying to figure things out, like if we have a difficult relationship with somebody or something. We're always trying to manipulate it. Why? We're trying to manipulate it so we can be comfortable because we don't like it when our world is kind of shaky and things aren't exactly the way we think they ought to be. There's kind of anxiety there.

[25:06]

But it's at that place of anxiety that we need to stay. We don't know what's going on. Every time we sit down to a period of zazen we don't have any idea what's going to happen. You don't know if that period of zazen is going to be total bliss or if that period of zazen is going to be such a cramped pain in your back or you're going to have some kind of insight or some kind of excruciating fantasy. You don't know. Every time you sit down you have no idea. And our life is exactly the same way,

[26:08]

except that when we're walking around we think that we can control things. It's a big mistake. We can't control anything at all. We can't control what is so-called out there and we can't control what's in here. Not our emotions, not our thoughts, not our body. Have you noticed that yet? Right? None of it. I mean, if we could, you'd go down to the zendo and go, okay, great, let's ratchet up some bliss and let's ratchet up some physical comfort and let's have some great loving emotions and I'll just sit there like that and say, okay, no problem, let's do sashin. I'm into it. Is it anything like that at all? No, not even... Well, see, the thing is, sometimes it can be like that. You can have some kind of bliss, you can have some physical comfort, you can have some wonderful thoughts of compassion

[27:09]

and some feeling of compassion, so on and so forth. Of course, and they happen. And, you know, the thing of it is, you should really be there when it's good because you should notice that. Don't always go to when it's bad. Have some fun, you know. When it's good, really enjoy it. The thing is, though, if you have sexual fantasies, that's not such a good... It's excruciating to sit with sexual fantasies. I don't know if you've ever done that before. Some of us have. It's very hard because you have to sit still. Some of you have, I can tell. Okay. So, where was I? Oh, the important point. The important point is, and please, you must know this by now, it's all changing. That's the important point. Not some particular kind of state of mind.

[28:12]

Not some particular kind of physical or emotional event. It's always changing. Can we rest there? Can we watch the process? Can we not know anything at all? This is living beyond duality because it isn't good. It isn't bad. It's just what it is. It's not so far away from us. We just have to give up, which sometimes is far away. Right? So, how is it that even our deluded thoughts can be completely realization itself? This is what Suzuki Roshi said about it. This is from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. Dogen Zenji said,

[29:13]

Although everything is Buddha nature, we love flowers and we do not care for weeds. This is true of human nature, but that we are attached to some beauty is itself Buddha's activity. That we do not care for weeds is also Buddha's activity. We should know that. If you know that, it is all right to attach to something. If it is Buddha's attachment, that is non-attachment. Have I said this before to you guys? No? Yes? Thanks. That's right. Thank you for reminding me. That's right. Right. Right. How is Manjushri's leaking okay?

[30:28]

How are your thoughts really okay, whatever they are? If it is Buddha's attachment, that is non-attachment. So what's Buddha's attachment? What does it mean, Buddha's attachment? Isn't that sort of a contradiction in terms, Buddha's attachment? What is the freedom of a deluded mind? It turns somewhere around the self. It turns right there. Me, me, me, me, me.

[31:32]

Mind, self-reflection, self-concern, self, self, self, self. What would it be like to be attached without the burden of a self? What would it be like to be angry without the burden of a self? What would it be like to have all of the thoughts without the burden of a self? That's our inquiry. And that's why we sit to gather as much information as we can about the self. What does it look like? How does it come up? How does it arise? What conditions come together to create whatever it is that happens to be arising as you right now? And when we can see

[32:33]

clearly enough how it works, then the veil of the self through which we see the world almost all the time, instead of being a brick wall, little bit by little there get to be holes in it, until eventually, like I was saying to somebody the other day about Suzuki Roshi, my feeling about him was that his self thing, just the hole, the space between whatever was holding his idea of self together was just so big that it seemed to me like it didn't even function for him. That's the Buddha's promise. So, in order to be with our life

[33:36]

as it is arriving, we need a little bit of faith. Faith and doubt balance each other. Not the kind of doubt that skeptical doubt where you just don't want to practice at all. It's just too much. For that kind of doubt you have to go to some spiritual friend and ask questions. But the kind of doubt that keeps you interested in inquiring like what is suffering? Follow the suffering. How is it? What came together that makes me now in this place of suffering? How did that happen? What are the conditions that arrived me here? Is there such a word? Where is it that I'm holding?

[34:38]

What does separation feel like? It's a feeling in the body. Notice every time you feel separate. And I was going to say and renounce that feeling but you don't have to renounce it. Just feel what it feels like to feel separate. Feel what it feels like to be right all the time. This faith that gets you thrown into life is an attitude. It's not believing in something. It's an attitude. It's a wide, inclusive kind of acceptance of life. In Zen, you know, we don't have faith in something. We have faith in nothing at all. Through this believing in nothing, this faith gives us courage to throw ourselves into life.

[35:42]

Can you bear it? Can you bear not knowing? Can you bear the anxiety of your life as it is without futzing with it? Beyond this or that, with nothing to rely on, nothing to believe in, we throw ourselves into life as it is. What words can reach to a flower or a tree to the movement of an arm to the breath of each one of us? The Buddha did not promise heaven. He promised release from suffering, the suffering of attachment to self, beyond self. There, creation runs her loom and shuttle, including leaking,

[36:49]

yet free of it. There, the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring, is worn by everything, by everyone. Can you see it? Can you hear it? Can you be it?

[37:28]

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