Expressing Yourself Completely

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Sesshin 2 Day 5


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really no idea of time period of time
is something or
how many facets
and although we say we know what time is
are we usually have a superficial idea of time or one sided idea of time or a
goes in one direction
but i'm not going to talk about time today so
but it does but this is true when you're
totally involved with your activity there's no idea of time so not only the moment
continuous time mostly
when we should doesn't completely
it's continuous time we don't think in terms of moments but as soon as you start thinking in terms of moment you're lost
when will the bell ring
you lost
when you are involved in an idea of time today tomorrow or next year selfish practice begins
the jugular and user's word selfish alive
he is it when he means self centered
and he is it
when he means that you are thinking about doing something for your inner self self centered way so he the word selfish i remember one of my very first machines
he said the middle of a shame you can you don't know how selfish you are and i'm so now he must mean something else
but not actually named back
i am very remit was your thinking if and when you're doing as selfish practice
doing something just for yourself
actually when we begin to practice we have some idea
why we're practicing
and it's usually of selfish idea i want something
but when we are practice matures and we and turns around we realized that our practice is not just something that we do for herself
he's got that then practice becomes enlightened practice
when we realize it's not just something that we do for herself
but until we understand that practice is not just something we do for ourselves we have a lot of criticism in a lot of
huh so then he said various desires start to behave mr with mischievously you may think you should get ordained or you worry about your next step will about what your next step will be trying to become someone else you
lose your practice and you lose your virtue when you are faithful to your position or your work your true being is there this is very important
ah when he says you
you may
you may think that you should get our day and or you worry about what your next step may be
you know
if we practice in order to get somewhere
in selfish practice
if we just practice
to be in this moment
it's not selfish practice
that's why it's hard to understand where he made me when he said
your practice is very selfish
you want something so it's a good idea you know it's wonderful idea to want to be ordained
i'm in when she taking those huge crowd to see they were not very many people that were ordained
i think i was a shift one and i was ordained all by myself
and there were no other priests around
richard was in japan
graham pegi and often japan somewhere now try to simulate human
and ah
but people would ask him about it
not being only didn't want to be ordained and he would see that there was some gaining idea in their desire to want to be ordained
money to advance you know ordination is not a prize
one nation is not a reward for something
it's a way of life
and it's like giving up
it's a wonderful desire to wanna be ordained and
but we should know why we wanted to be ordained we should be ordained for the right reasons
so when he's talking about here is that desire
for the
fake self advancement
you may think you should get ordained or you worry about what your next step will be
he's a very important point what you worry about what your next step will be
you know here we are at tassajara
are doing his practice period doesn't have thought ever coming up for you what's next
what what should i do next year or you know where does this leave
where did practice leading to
ha we all wanna be secure and we wouldn't have some kind of security and some kind of direction in life maybe i should go to college they should finish college
maybe i should go get a job you know my parents put so much pressure on me you know what should i do
they don't like what i'm doing
i mean where'd you get married have children
it's very hard to just do one thing after another without having the view of where's it going
where will i end up
what about my future
those are all
how legitimate concerns
knowledge it may concern but in practice you just do one thing after the next without thinking about where's it going
there is direction
he's always direction if you know where you are
and know what you're doing
and feel that that's correct then the direction will present itself
don't really have to worry about the direction if you're totally immersed in practice and practice in your life
as the direction will always present itself
and you know what to do
and the clothing salesman says i guarantee it

confusion comes when you have choices
what many choices confusion can but when you don't have when you only have one choice there's no confusion
so easy when you're faithful to your physician or your work your true being is there
this is a very important point
you know
without wanting without having the desire to and that we all have the desire to advance you can't say that we don't have the desire to advance we do
but ah we cannot be attached to the desire to advance
you know
if we can turn the desire to advance to the desired just be where we are and express ourselves fully where we are then advancement just happens
the fastest way to advance so to speak with that means it zen center
he is not to want to not to make an effort to advance
and then
people say
when about that one over there
this really diligently doing a practice without making waves without wanting something let's advanced them
and then someone will say i've been here for so long and i never get the advancement nobody pays attention to me

and because you're trying to hide to get somewhere
the more pressure you put the more people that movie
back off
but when you just doing it practice without any idea
you advance very quickly and just the right place
so he says
without any idea of time your practice goes on and on moment after moment you become you yourself
this practice is not so easy you may not be able to continue it for even one period of meditation
are you talking to a beginners in some way about begin to xanthan practice i have to say when we first were practice exam it wasn't like people practice exam today
they weren't so many students
and nobody knew how to set very well
and everybody had a hard time doing something we all sat with excruciating pain and like the people today
but we didn't have a lot of nineveh advanced students who really sat well when you have nowadays a lot of students who fit very well and fell in emissions come in and said in the bits ago
people with experience to see what they said well too
very different so me it's interesting how that works
so you know he's talking about
it may be difficult to sift through em period of doesn't
you're waiting for the bell to ring and you lose your sense of presence
so you will need to make a big effort
then you can practice extending this the moment after moment he eventually it will extend to your everyday life
so he says the way to extend your practice is to expose yourself
as you are without trying to be someone else
or without trying to get someplace
we're not trying to put another head on top of your own expose yourself is some
interesting he says when you are very honest with yourself and brave enough you can express yourself fully whatever people may think it's ok just be yourself at least for your teacher
that is actual practice your actual life and this new trust your teacher is difficult but if you'd find out that you teacher spirit as the same as yours good then you will have be brave enough to continue practicing in this way so to expose yourself you know in touch to higher
where do we want to expose yourself or not we're all exposed
sooner or later we know you are and unit who we are
the you can't really hide even though you hide and if you hide we know you are
that near the window ads
the sometimes you have to argue with your teacher that's okay but you should try to understand your teacher and they ready to give up your argument
when you are wrong when you find yourself foolishly sticking to one point of view when you are making some excuse so and then is how to be honest with yourself when you can give up okay i surrender and sorry
ah that's
you can truly be yourself you know the story about
i think i can live a good teacher was maybe
who had a student student came to an
hodgins and it's come again
monastery and image or therefore three years
and they didn't see okay
so one day hogan called the men who should you've been here for three years and then you have never come to see me
and since it well you know
i didn't think it was necessary to see it because when i was with them but my mother tincture i got i got the point
and oh yes oh well i've had that happen
he said well when my teacher
asked about
the nature of
understanding buddha nature
i gave him my answer and
have you know what was your answer is that the fire boy sheiks fire
hogan said well i'm sorry but if that was the answer
zen would never have lasted till this day
and the student
very dejected and he that i'm getting outta here so he left the monastery and as a was walking down the road you can you know this guy is a teacher of the thousand students maybe i was a little hasty
i go back and see him
so you came back and he bowed and apologized the i'm sorry for my pasting know
our arrogance
he said what is your answer to this question and hogan said fire boy six fire
and couldn't go enlightened
because he totally gave up
totally gave up
so you and your teacher or aiming to have perfect communication
for a teacher the important point is always to be ready to surrender to his disciple
when a teacher realize that he is wrong he can say oh you're right i was wrong
if your teacher has that kind of the spirit you will be encouraged to admit your mistake as well even when it does not so easy
so if you continue this kind of practice people may say you're crazy something wrong with you it doesn't matter
teacher should be able to
ah see when the student is correct
suzuki roshi used to say
sometimes i'm the teacher and your the student sometimes year the teacher and i'm a student
but even so in this lifetime i'm a teacher and he understood next lifetime you can be the teacher now resistance
so he says we're not the same each one of us is different and each one of us has their own problems fortunately you have the support of others who are practicing with you
this is not an umbrella to provide shade to protect you but a space where you can have real practice a space where you can express yourself fully you can open your eyes to appreciate the practice of others and you will find that you are able to communicate without words
sometimes we think of a practice place as a refuge
and council holly is a kind of refuge
especially in this day in age
but it's not a place to be complacent
not a place to just rest
the place to find your true self and express and yourself which maidens
what is that yourself how do you express yourself so listen on various levels one way to express yourself is your karmic expression
your think yourself
we have to let our ego self be present in order to
deal with it
but then our true self is also an expression
who is the ordinary lives is the way
what an ordinary man
that's a deep question ordinary i will go into it now
true expression is just to be open
anything at the bottom of the heart
just to be receptive and to be
to be receptive and to be responsive you express yourself fully
he says they never be able to communicate without words
that's true
the question came up the other day about
file in practice
sometimes we practice silently and sometimes we practice with words
if we say well we should all be silent
that's the tyranny of silence
we should also practice know how to practice with words
suzuki roshi she did not say we should have a silent monastery
sometimes we practice in silence and sometimes we practice with words and we have to know how to practice with words
without intruding on silence
so within in silence words or an intrusion
where it's break the silence how do you express yourself with words without breaking the silence
silence is always there
and words are always there
i had a gisha when i was
but the director and nineteen seventy two or three
a famous tissue
for they were journalists
and he wanted to
they took a vow of silence
vickers you didn't want to take a vow of silence
but nobody if they took a vow of silence everyone should take a vow of silence
we weren't taking them but he did it
and he is the noisiest practice period
i do
have you want me to think about it and eleven to have a lot of thinking to me jackie
the last night oh
there was the noisiest practically
so it's interesting when we're supposed to be silent we should be found
we should also
correct people like
we don't take to me now sometimes we have to talk even within the silence
for being silent that's it may never to say anything
it means to keep that attitude of silence
sometimes we have to say something
so we say it in a way that's not interested you know if you walk in the door when doesn't is going on
you should not intrude into the space but you have to walk in
so you walk in in a way it's not disturbing the atmosphere and the zendo
and take your seat you don't walk as fast as you can to get to see because
that disturbs the atmosphere of the zendo say have to be very self conscious and take slow steps like an agenda
because your presence is there you can't hide your presence by going real fast
the word
so he says
our way is not to criticize and but to know and appreciate them
that's interdictions wonderful
you know how do we appreciate people that we have a critical eye toward
some people you know us off
thank you
some people
we have problems and relevant but how do we appreciate them
at the same time
i have think i've had
dhamma brothers did i practiced with
for years and years thirty five forty years
you know i've had we've had problems with each other
that the same time over this long period of time we appreciate to and unique on that very much
because our van will actually used to work with each other
although i vow is to wait to each other we have different views different ways of doing things and
ah we criticize each other
and along with the criticism is
ah a deep appreciation
when we have contention
we should also have compassion
otherwise it just becomes
anger or just becomes delusion
are the same time we have contention
desire to
support and help it is in the at at the foundation
how can i help that person
so sometimes you may feel you know someone to well
and you have difficulty appreciating them because of your small mind
that's very true
because you know them so well you expected to always act the way that you expected to act and because you expecting the act that way they do
so if we continue practicing together and your mind is big enough
to expose yourself into accept others naturally you'll become the trend so to know your friend is to know something beyond yourself even something beyond your friend
there's something much deeper than even the two of you
so you know when you and some criticism of brothers you always have to look at yourself well what about me you know so we often the people that we criticize the most are often those who are like myself and so i see myself in that purse
open and i'm criticizing myself by extension
sometimes we want to punish
he had this idea of punisher because we we really want to punish ourselves
and so we extended to someone else
it'll be very careful
so the important thing is willing to accept our own self exposing means to accept our own limitations to aunt except are on what we consider to be false
and and to accept
the way others fear and perceive us
and when we can do it then we can more easily accept others
when you admit that you have every font that everyone else has every one beyond without exception then you can appreciate everyone and except everyone
but if you feel i'm good and your band
does this delusion
if i see a faulty new i know that i also have their faults we may not think so
but itself
even though we don't have that for expressed it's always latent within us
you have to be your own friend
that's very important
do you like himself
even though you don't like itself
the old friend
then you can be friend of someone else
can you can't extend something to someone that you don't have
so in one of the delusions
his self love
but at the same time he had to love yourself
then you can extend that to others
but if you only have it for yourself
that's called selfishness
her narcissism or whatever
so you've constantly have to give it away
that's how donna
have you always emptying yourself and when you empty yourself you become for
let's go general to generosity
and it's called renewal because you can't become renewed unless you give everything away
and the more you give away the boy you have the more energy you have the harder you work to more energy you have if you withhold your energy then you get stale
because energy has to move
does not moving it atrophies and then it gets stale the new have health problems
mental problems
the national problem
so you may say when you when you may say that when you are practicing zazen no one can know your practice but for me that is the best time to understand you may feel it i'm sitting here all by myself in this post
your how can anybody understand me he says without the best time for me to understand you
when you're it when you sit facing the wall and i see you from behind it is especially easy to understand what kind of practice you have
sometimes i like around the meditation hall so that i can see you this is very interesting
if you're dancing or talking are making
a big commotion you through the difficult to understand you
but when we're sitting together
you each sit in your own way
for even though we're doing exactly the same thing each whatever stands out as an individual
we'll have our
black robes on
same clothes but each faith we've you and totally unique and and we stand out that way because we are wearing clothes
and in it's interesting when i walk around and look at your back
if they'd be back at very revealing
we should all take turns walking around looking at it
it's a big mistake to think that the best way to express yourself is to do whatever you want acting however you please this is not expressing yourself when you have many possible ways of expressing yourself you may not be sure what to do so you will behave superficially if you
you know what to do exactly and you'd do it you can express yourself fully
have you know exactly and you have any doubt in your name
you're not vacillating
and get do which inventive you you express yourself fully
that is why we follow the forms you may think that you cannot express yourself without a particular form within a particular form but when we are all practicing together stone people who express themselves in a strong way kind people will express themselves kindly when we passed the suture cards along the road
during service you each do it in your own way the differences among you are easy to see because the form of the same and because we repeat the same thing over and over and over again we can understand our friends way he ventured in eventually even if you're either shut you know or that would sell himself
this is the advantage of having rules and rituals
without this kind of practice your relationship to people will be very superficial if someone went with beautiful robe
you will think you must be a good priest
if someone gives you a beautiful thing you will think he is a very that she she is very kind and aunt she is a wonderful person that kind of understanding and that's a good
so just because prison where is a nice road doesn't mean they're nice person
just because someone gives you something doesn't mean there are the perfect that such a good thing
so usually our society wage and a superficial and frivolous way and certainly does the controlling power of money or some big fantasy our eyes and ears and open or settled enough to see and hear things i could expand on that for a long time but i won't say anything
most people who visit jensen or find it strange place they don't talk so much they don't even laugh wouldn't be doing

those who are accustomed to being sounds noise and a big noise
in may not notice but we can communicate without talking so much we may not always be smiling but we feel it up as a feeling i mind is always open and we are expressing ourselves for me
we can understand this practice extend his practice to city life and be good friends with one another

just being yourself and being ready to understand others you've had to extend your practice into everyday life
we don't know what will happen if you fail to express yourself fully on each moment you may regret it later because you expect some future time you miss your opportunity now and you are misunderstanding by and misunderstood by your friend do not wait to express yourself fully i knew that
a student to it and docusign which is a conversion and sneaky roshi know their student pretty well which and a student was saying
ah she's a goatee
said something about what he should do and the student show something like while after that tomorrow
anthony relationship you think there's a tomorrow
that and got enlightened at that point
sometimes you know it's hard to accept ourselves
when we worked with somebody where are a different some people are fast some people are slow some people are competent something to it and competent
some people a young some people ah
you know
an older person working with a younger person may feel
the it's hard to keep up
working the same pace and then a few people will think i'm old
yes you are old
that's very hard to accept
in fact i accept that your old people are starting to tell me i'm old
it's hard to accept that
because i don't feel old and ah my energy good you know and i will actually work faster than most young people
to to hear people say oh you're old
it is difficult to accept
but it's necessary
so sometimes now i say well you know i'm pretty old
it fact as to say that an on chef's knife that role as an old person i remember that when i was sixty five or sixty vanilla long time ago
i stopped in from tesla has that been a am
ah dennis and on the menu and seniors lunch
oh i get a senior live
you know why not true
and it was a baby played
the child play
so yeah i stop doing that
and but sometimes i like i'm getting to a movie you know i'd say one thing here and when didn't like i said will be will be he's a student of a once a year and went to we both getting cheap
and then that lot of perks to
topic or
and people to go how can i serve you
i never went in by do anything for me
i don't like that but i have to tolerate magician and hundred
for their sake
but i i have to say that i rely on my anja you know i totally give myself over to rely on my lunch and it's great greatest again with it helps our relationship
he does his job and i do my job and i don't interfere with your job i once had an anja
i used that we should make the bed you know and understand the other side and i see that you know it but i help her you know and she's they'd stop this is my job i don't want you to help me and all candidates are pretty good you know this is her job and my job is my job so then i see my cheshire
presently to making the bed and i don't do anything and my answer to me
and don't do anything
but then one time i did you know this thank you very well
so that's interesting and i totally appreciate magician was just sharpie and on and i so i rely totally you know i don't think and can i can start thinking and just be taken care of the canaanite but someday i'll have to
i'm thinking here
think of myself back so it's okay if you think i'm old and can tell me about i've just totally accepted even though i know i'm back
making them

yeah intention and economy