To Be Oneself

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Sunday talk; what does that mean - what's that? Finding out what this means is a vast undertaking.

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what's very nice to see such a big our group are going out today
we've been having
so much rain is it saw it rained nonstop since sunday saturday last ten years hey

so i hope that of you have been safe and that share houses having been flooded in now she's a fall on your currency
how had a few
a few things happened a windmill blew down you know the windmill that sits in the garden it doesn't function as a windmill but it's kind of symbolic alpha bring out that blew down on some power lines and some trees put down and roof to off went on to the whole house
as is out here
ah so we've had our sheriff small incidents but for the most part the waters just been flowing
ah out of the hills and into the creek and rushing along into the ponds and
no big problems
but we have this blue sky out there except beautiful

hi every time i prepare for lecture i find that i swing back and forth between this and that between wanting to give a brilliant lecture nets to shows my genius
at down
dhamma ah
inquiry and my eloquence and and not only that but how i can move people to tears and
so hats one side and then the other side is saying
ah you know this brilliant stuff it's it's cool people feel it's too much in off your perfect suggest you know kind of slouch around as be comfortable just kind of you know be friendly and comfortable on
that's kind of going another way that some
intending one is kind of intending to be brilliant and the others not intended to be brilliant intending on
to be a slouch
and both of those you know neither one is sir
is right so if i if i study it enough i see what what i really want what my ultimate concern is is to just be myself to just be completely myself or what's that
i look at that i realize i've got some ideas about that like you know if i'm just myself then i suppose i should do my imitation of the wicked witch of the west which or
some other things that i really think about that are in me alone but that that doesn't seem like a reason you came to green notch today so
so actually finding out what it is to be myself is a vast undertaking
and it goes from you know one side to the other looking at one side and the other and not falling off
or if i fall off come back know that i've fallen off
so what is it to be
to be yourself truly
really and truly your so we had a right after new years we have a retreat every year at green gulch we closed down green gulch we don't have any visitors in the guest house is closed and come conferences and a kitchen doesn't prepare meals so they have a chance to have a break and we have a retreat usually i kind of dread the
this one was particularly enjoyable we started out
ah the first day with
a woman named sara ludlow who may even be here in the assembly who works with them
she does theater she's an actress and she did theaters kind of theater games with us and one of the things she did was have us choose a partner just randomly and then
that your partner would show you three different gestures that they felt were really themselves and the than your copy them then you got up on the stage and and said i am you know whoever the person was then you did these mannerisms or gestures and
you know as we watched each person imitating
the friend
you know some people just hit it right on the nose it was so funny they looked exactly like that person but you know with a different face in a different body but there is something about it and we got such a kick out of that softening i got a very bad headache
imitating my partner
but that was actually though we both decided that was just what should have happened consent so she was feeling too
there was the first day the second day cause on how she came and did calligraphy with us he's the
wonderful person who's worked with us for years on translating buddhist texts texts and working with the abbot's and and he does that one brush stroke calligraphy maybe you've seen them so book and where he came in we all had sumi ink and
rice paper and brushes and we learned to draw to a telegraph
characters were you he brought us the character healing and lot of different ways to do it and then we each tried it out
and then he came around and actually put his hand over our hand and said you know just let me lead you and then he would
telegraph the character and the intelligence know having this intelligence intelligent hand over my hand as the pause in the shift in the move and circuit was so it was so far beyond what i had been gambling or
around with my brush the intelligence that was there and the rhythm and the nuance it was just wonderful
he handled he handled us very beautifully it's a great handler
and the next day we
good communications workshop there's a group that's been meeting out here pretty regularly working organic the communication skills and they presented something and we broke into small groups and basically did the exercise of what's sometimes called active listening and we call it looping where you listen very carefully to the person and then
you say back what it is they said and if you got it they see you did it you know and they mate to back and forth
and somehow i felt that that exercise also
it was very much like this intelligent calligraphy there was as the people spoke as each person spoke there was a rhythm and pause and new ronson inflection and tone of voice and smile and that told the story as well as the words and if you were there if you're a prison
ain't you got
the real just of of what they were saying and could say it back maybe and slightly different words but you'd you'd get it so they were very similar in some ways these two days of calligraphy and listening
for me
ah and then the last evening we had a felon in the good can come who does teaches music to children and we had percussion lots of percussion instruments and dance he did circle dances with us and for whatever reason the group
op was just ready to do this with full
hearted joy and we we use the zendo which was
we've done that for some great answers and things before and we danced and danced for like two hours one particular dance
i think what's called johnny lay down your comfort and he had this little piece of cloth and he'd give it to someone they dance into the center and they'd lay down the cloth and then you'd fold up the corners and then you do the a certain action than everybody copied you and then you picked up the little cloth and gave it to somebody else and they came in do
their little dance and it was just wild and to see what people came up with for dances in the center and i've never actually been at a zen center event where people just gave their selves so fully to such a thing and afterwards someone said or it it reminded
them of was when they lived in africa and taught there was a dance that african children did at this school and she couldn't for about she lived there for about six months and she could not figure out what the dance was all about that someone would be in the middle may be all around and kind of cheering them on but she couldn't figure out what the put but
they were doing was not particularly skillful or fabulous are difficult steps and after time she realized that what the child in the center the one who won was the one who was most themselves
most naturally been so didn't matter if it was brilliant execution of steps or trying to be anything just
naturally expressing yourself
and that's kind of what this dance of johnny lay down your comfort was like i think
and each person each person was out there just
doing him
and while these people were dancing i am i realized that i didn't care so much
not that i even know the latest stances but i didn't care what when it was they were doing i was just appreciating it
and for in the years like in high school i remember i danced until i got to this one high school where some kids really knew how to dance i mean they were really good and i never danced again after that after i saw what i thought real dancing was i am i just couldn't dad
since it was too embarrassing to not meet that perfect you know release had style and so you know and i didn't
from my viewpoint my judging of it and so i could never dance
are watching this dance with with everyone leaping about
and i leapt about to ah
i felt i was not i didn't know what the latest dances were or what was in styler it was something beyond that i had no way to judge one way or another it was just are they who they are you know that was that was it
recently someone was talking to be about
how they felt after this last session we had in december
and she young were saying sheet the word cheese was love that she everybody she looked at she just love them even if she didn't particularly they get along with that person before they were annoying or something but they just for revealing who they are and she just appreciated them and didn't judge them
didn't have any way by which to judge them they just who they just were who they were
and this
being able to to be with things without judging without saying whether that's a cool dance step not a cool down step just appreciating our life our
is so
i don't know what it is it is what it is
but if we're not there if we're falling off from one side to another it's very painful
you can't dance you know you go to a party you just can't dance it's pretty painful
and certain people you can't sit by and there's a lot of arranging and avoiding and going over here and going over there ah
unless there's some way to appreciate things as they are

and sometimes this is called being unstained dogan come
zen she a japanese zen master and
in our lineage
in a chapter in this this is custom hershey
edited this book and translated a token with lots of students as zips and her years ago
and in this festival which are this whole chapter chapters called are only buddha and buddha
ah he talks about what it is to be unstained unstained being not this dualistic separation of this and that unstained
now it's interesting in this
he actually says what does it like to be unstained that that's something he says i'm asking this question
and recently i was reading a book where the author was trying my metaphor and how would we really care about wanna know something will say to our friend or what was it like was it like to be it green gulch during that storm and then we say what it was like and that gets go
gets closer you know then we want to know what it was like so he says what does it like to be unstained
what is being unstained is like meeting a person and not considering what he or she looks like
also it is like not wishing for more color or brightness when viewing flowers or the moon
so are our human tendency is to
how many times
look at someone right away it's like
we do a whole bunch of stuff around them
considering what they look like you know
media person and not considering what he or she looks like just meeting a person what's that like
it's being unstained are looking at a garden and wishing chair will wish those brillo more properly it just a little bit dim for my taste you know kind of always it's always not quite right
this is this the pain of picking and choosing and listen that hours this unfulfilled longing and pining away for things to be a little different
little better

here's some did this past week by the way i can actually celebrate it but i marked the twentieth anniversary of my ordination
on january eleventh
and that occurred to me just now because i was reading a book history that i got a received around that time called the unknown cressman by a japanese person in so what so yanagi and he m started the folk craft museum of tokyo i think
and the hopeful for craft
our appreciation in japan and he writes his beautiful essays about how exactly aesthetics put about the practice of
a being with objects i think maybe i'd put it that way
and the book has some beautiful our plates in it color and and black and white plates of articles that were made our craft crafts of different types pottery and would work late work and claw
south tap not tapestry but weavings and different things stitchery and all of these items
are very beautiful in a in a way that is not necessarily the opposite of agree may have a beauty and integrity
and they're all unsigned these are not artists were there all unsigned which is why it's called the unknown craftsman because they're made by people who didn't have this idea that they were going to make this beautiful thing that probably get into this museum you know and ah
there was no idea intellectual ruminations about this particular object being seen one way or another it was a useful most of these things were useful like there's this rain it's called the rain cape that's a woven straw with all these tear it's woven like
a collar and that all these tears of straw that go down would have been perfect for green gulch because i'm sure each layer just sheds onto the other and tilts all the way down as a farmers a rain cape and these were made to be used you know they're there you tell a terrarium
in this pottery
chuck's about these grasp and what their life was like they worked hard
more until night they were uneducated poor they they just did this work down at they had the kiln going ahead
keep getting the you know
turning these pots out get him used there were many of these were rice balls that were later on appreciated by the japanese tea masters
for their unexcelled beauty about a beauty not this kind of brilliant perfect hard
you know unapproachable perfect beauty but a beauty that comes out of just the materials and the natural
our feeling of it the heft that the glaze is not quite perfect it runs off and it's a little bit out of kilter and
ah the japanese tea masters realized this is a quote the heart's ease from gentle deformation
we have there's some ease of hard to see something like that
the heart's ease a gentle def deformation this is very young
when the phone comfortable on
relieving to see an object like that
read different from saying something that
perfectly perfect you you may not feel you have related to it
these objects of beauty weren't were made without the idea of beauty in mind they were made
before beauty and ugly came into being they were made with whole hearted
just fully actively being produced
with no idea in mind about it being
i appreciated are sought after an silly useful items and and this one particular where that he talked about have these beautiful drawings on and that you would think each one is executed with such skill you would think come
some wonderful artist you know did this but it turned out that they were done mostly by children mostly by ten year old boys who were probably made to go over to the kiln and do this work probably didn't wanna do it
but they were shown the strokes you know you go this and they did hundreds of over and over and over until
there was no idea you know they drew animals that they'd never seen in characters for which they didn't know the meanings but they just did it you know and each one according to this
man mr yanagi
each one that is equally beautiful there's nothing from these this pottery that's ugly it's each one has this life to him
so then that that he goes on in this essay the japanese are potters who really appreciated this i had the eye for this they understood could heart's ease you know i've seen this and they wanted to use it in the tea rooms
and then potter's began to copy this more artistic potters and of course then these parts then they began to take on a
self consciousness you know they never equaled is mostly korean time mccree and work
because this idea creeps in of ugly and beautiful and making irregularities can make it more beautiful because irregularities are beautiful right rather than just you know you're throwing it in the wheel is way it is and your materials or the way the
yarn and it comes out that way you know worried about it but then but to actually put in some irregularities well that irregularities good
now they they have a you can smell it you know you can
get the sent from from these works that they have self
self is in view there
it's not before the understanding a beauty and ugly where beauty and ugly don't mean anything this is after ah
those pots for me
this one pot which is supposed to be the most beautiful people and apart
and has that's the first color plate in the book and it's this brown and it's got this dripping off and he asked to see it it was it's in a monastery now and it was taken out it was in five separate wooden boxes you know undoing and they get down it was all wrapped in wool and a purple silk and
then they took it out you know it was this
what was it you know this
who made it and they made it to eat rice out of you know hundreds of years ago no idea that it eventually would end up in five wooden boxes wrapped in silk
it's ironic kiss him

so to be unstained
and to not have this the kind of smell of
this in that
and adding for effect you know

re young this reminds me of this smell of it we used to have her i'm going out which i don't know if you've noticed the absence of it some of you may have been coming for years there used to be this very very bad smell a stench actually was the stench
that would come into this end a waft into the zendo during sittings and lecture and and it and when we read it the enter without let's get rid of this stench and we never were able to we tried was coming from over there somewhere deal does anybody remember that smell yes
show able to see a show of hands for people who remember that okay a way it was very bad and we were told for years by experts there was nothing to be done about this this was because you know all these buildings have been built in the creek bed george wheelwright rerouted the creek but this is the creek bed
bed and there's nothing to be done stagnant water this that the other anaerobic activity
so you're gonna have to just live with it out and the one and
ah that's you know the phrase good for your practice you know
okay unpleasant smell due to you know knows consciousness
beware of hate you know you can work on it that way
and also we were told once that zen center practice places are too nice to nice for people and so when you end up getting people who want to be here because it's a beautiful place and the food is good rather than you know understanding their true nature
you're so i thought for a while i thought okay it's good that we have this bad smell because then it might keep people who aren't really serious about privacy
from coming so that's okay but i still i i was never comfortable with history and the people had to live near there and work in an office has knew there had to deal with it anyway
one of our
students who was working on maintenance for about three months decided that he wasn't gonna believe what the experts said it wasn't going to go along with that and he was going to follow his nose and try to figure out what what was going on and he didn't care what people have
had for years you know and so he very step by step ranting with practice period last practice period they dug up all these different places and he finally found a broken pipe
bad had been broken for who knows how long and it was all coming from there and we fixed it
comedies nowhere smell is
so this some following you know being on track and non distractible from what the experts i tell you know know it's creek bottom data just you're taking that information in the going ahead step-by-step and following following your nose
it's a very young it's very inspirational actually and was very helpful
our which leads me to
something else i wanted to talk about
having to do with them sense of that was sent sent
now you may feel this has nothing to do with anything that i've talked about it it really does you'll see
there's a wonderful book called adams task written by women in vicky ahern who's a dog trainer and and a horse trainer an animal lover ah and she has a chapter about dogs tracking dogs
ascent that the sense of smell it's not smells the ability to send that dogs have is kind of an inconceivable thing we have no way of understanding it because our sense of smell is very
and of primitive we can smell major things like stench is coming up from broken pipes and but week
she likens ah
ability that the dog's way of sending as compared to humans is as if you were to draw a map of the human brain and then the map of the surface of an egg in compare the two one is incredibly complex and
inconceivable and the others you know the surface of an egg is it's pretty
kind of obvious what's going on there so she i'm trained tracking dogs who go after lost children and you know murderers and things and
but these ascent of the ability to send
is so strong they can do things like there was some tests done with a tracking dogs were they laid a trail
and and they had to find it you know fuck by scent and i think this wisdom of the us army
and then they poured gasoline all over the track is why you know through fields and everything and they burned and they put inorganic and organic material all over in formaldehyde and the person laying the track jumped into rivers and snorkeled underwater and came up on the other side switch shoes you know into sterilized shoe
choose and then and they could not these dogs tracked and found the item they could find it
so their abilities are inconceivable they're beyond
we don't know what it is that is happening it's beyond our ability to conceive of what it is they are hunter you know what track their fine
and yet the between the handler which is
a she calls herself trainer the handler and dog there's a conversation going on and they are
and without this conversation the dog won't learn to track it it has to do with their relationship with their trainer handler
and more often the ability not to track has to do with a mistake of the trainer rather than dot

so we have found
need of training and need of handlers you know people who put their hand over yours and move it and pause and go and breathe and round and
to make up a character and who are with you and have a conversation with you when you're after something that you can't see nor can the other person see it it's the inconceivable the hundred has no idea what the dog is sending they just say go find it
find what they don't even know what what is the a human being cannot conceive of what it is that dog is after what could it possibly be
and yet they have a conversation together like a dog might say am i looking for that thingamajig that's kind of like the other one that smelled like that one yeah yeah and after your bounding with courage the dog on a good track and
dog has courage and they will even if they're starving or if if they're on track if they're doing their work they will not be dissuaded she tells of instances where various drugs who love to fight
you don't have a good old rough and tumble or are hungry they just you can put stakes and front and you can do anything and they will just stay until their job is done
accomplishing something that's difficult is satisfying so satisfying for
humans and dogs will love it to really do what is difficult together
so a good track and dog has courage courage to wholeheartedly jump into the job and
there's no she says there's no adjective you just have to say
that dog is a good tracking down
that's all you have to say and handlers will know what you mean you don't have to say anything more are you might say is a real good tracking into
but that's how you have to say and you can say the same thing about as and student that someone always or is as zen student you know
they follow their knows you know and they don't even know what it is it's inconceivable one cannot conceive of what it is your even
on track with you know it's that with in your powers of conceptions
but you and your hands are you know which is all the buddhas and bodhisattvas as well as your dharma bodies in our in conversation about this and and and so with courage use you just stay on track

and doga has something to say about this all in the same physical only buddha and a buddha we've been talking about fish quite a bit
abbott kenshin ram gave a talk yesterday all about fish in this talk less sunday was about fish and is just coming up all over and of course it came up for my lecture to in the last part of this same fiscal there has been saying since olden times no one except a fish know
those officials heart
no one except a bird follows a bird's trace
and it goes on
to think that no one knows officials hard or birds traces mistaken no one except a fish knows a fish is hard
no one except a bird follows a bird's trace so when the fish try to go up through the dragon gate which is some
it's this place in in on this river in china that window when the fish go up at their supposed to turn into dragons when they get through it may go through this gate
but when the fish try to go up through the dragon gate they know one another's intention and have the same heart

and again when a bird flies in the sky beasts do not even dream of finding are following its trace when a bird is flying you know the animals on the ground have a they are not conceiving of what it's like for a bird to for
fly through the sky he can't even dream of following its traced however a bird can see traces of hundreds and thousands of small birds having passed in flocks are traces of so many lines of large birds having flown south or north
so buddhists are like this
you never know a buddhist trace when you're not a buddha

so this some
so only a buddha and a buddha this pottery this tee ball ha
mr yanagi or same people sits there and seems to say
i don't want anything i don't need anything come on over here be saved

just be yourself

when you clarify that there is nothing to be disliked or longed for than the original face is revealed by your practice of the way
there goes my suit to cover
when you clarify that there is nothing

when there is nothing to be
longed for
or changed then you
then you reveal your original face in the practice of the way


thank you very much
may our intention
you would like to
we talk about something or
would you like to present the up talk about something
ask a question
reports that the road of are not getting ourselves

ignorance is is what comes up you know we actually
yeah yeah ignorance here did you hear he said he asked yeah
and i say ignorance which is the kind of route
problem but what that ignorance is you know
i shall we are actually ourselves but we have all these thoughts that are looking somewhere else as if we aren't you know thoughts and words better
always talking about that we aren't you know
so we actually can't help but being ourselves the problem is that we we think a certain way and which is ignorance
it always also i mean at interface front groups and iraq came up with the grow up in your children can mean a way always
we're not good enough to way we are
so you know it's an asset we think we are not good enough so quickly
product is not happy should be different we should be set and that it is hard way we are not good enough for years we learned we is or there's all sorts of
people telling us things we read in school teachers and family that are always telling us or not
you know we should be different from were not good enough yes so that adds to it that adds to it
and yet you know if you sit still you know even as a kid you might be able to i mean i think it's true
no something else you know
so this is i feel like as we're talking energy is kind of going down down down
this is our problem is kind of our human life problem which is often why people start sitting it's going to get really hot in here pretty soon i don't know if we want to
open a cap one that really sticky

this is often my why people begin to practice they they have
lots of thoughts and word and people telling them that they're not okay and that theorem
one person was described to me as she had to lead a perfection soldier this was kind of her inner image perfection soldier she had do everything right it was the most demanding on of lives that she had set off internally set up for self perfection soldier i just saw the other day
actually i hadn't seen her in about fifteen years i saw in the grocery store
and she came up to the do you remember me and i am a perfectionist
that i was able to back i got or named it advanced that i remember about her and the the weight of that you know profession soldier and then these negative thoughts in fact sometimes people say all they have as negative thoughts and if someone like they read and buddhist scripture
are you know or they hear that the here's some good news you know that they are actually fully enlightened just the way the eye or something like that you know it's like terrifying because they have their raft that they're riding out of all negative things in there very familiar with that
we get very familiar with that and that's all we know and any but he saying that it's something different is kind of scary you don't
we often cling to what is familiar just because it's familiar not because it's whole summer helping us sir
tending towards you know benefit of all beings or anything it's just familiar so let's hold on
so sitting you know allows you to kind of note this kind of thinking you know and that it's what is it was its thinking it these thoughts it's not necessarily true
even though you might emotionally feel like yes it's all true imo worthless person and know you know
but if you can actually see the such as these thought they have a beginning they have a middle and they have an end now and then there's another one it can of losers begins to lose the power to kind of them keep your marching you know to the the beat of the perfection soldier
so sitting down in down
it's very helpful
hitler as parents and teachers
you say something about that
that name is
me rocking
but what occurs to me is this this dog trainer you know and how she worked with these dogs not that i'm necessarily equating
the joy that they have in working together when she asked for the difficult you know and they're able to do it enjoy the tools them have together and i think you know that as a teacher or teaches school to third years when a child that doesn't think they can do it but they actually do but you've got it
be rooting for him you know you know it that they can and
and so that's the conversation between the two if the child i think feels like you're in conversation with them your
they'll find their courage if you are encouraging you know with courage comes from heart you know the quality heart and wholeheartedness purchase just wholeheartedly doing it so few i don't know you know how one does that without
taps into the fact that they
our wonderful you know
without your you shouldn't be the way you are you should be this other way how when does that his skill and means right
and i think some people are better than it than others to turn to the i'm working i just love that the teachers aft cabin
aspiring teachers who are
hardly been extra national chances
proving themselves
yeah yeah
the author of that
have adams task is written by vicki hearn h e a r n
and she's a philosopher she teaches
caravan more university and horse trainer dog trainer and she i really highly recommend this book it was in the new yorker excerpts of it number of years ago captors and then it came out in book form
you used a very well
our capacities
thank you
i'm about to hit
i really enjoyed credit relax the roger the on my favorite part was wearing talked about das
and i started thinking about this that oftentimes that we can have what's going on i had brought the to das that everybody look at it i was wondering if
after you had that experience of you kind of shut down from being able to do it a number of years and then and then you pass the courage or them
yeah whatever attempt to do and how you know how that might affect your practice or time
are you dance her ticket well
well you know i had i reflected on it after the fact after doing going on the center and doing my thing and after his that this is the first time that i've done such a think my with people i've danced around nfl in now
since nineteen like sixty two or something like that you know i mean it was like junior high you know i could remember doing the twist and just feeling like everybody was doing the twist and then i saw people who really know how to do the twist and then i closed down you so afterwards it while i was doing it i wasn't saying like okay here goes the first dancing in a very interesting i didn't
think about it i was taken up with the event you know singing and wanting everybody i was just
i was not dumb ruminating about it you know i was just saying wayne doing these group capping everybody's movements during the game you know afterwards i thought about it and
and how it affected my practice was like that oh
but what i think something like did that drop away and have a question i don't know if there are real party this was kind of a setup it was a children's game you know he was kind of
i don't know if what would happen in a real party situation although welcome party
it is some dog trainer chapter of the anime's task she quotes various other dog trainers that she's
devoted to and has read their work they're all kind of philosophical works in some way but anyway this one dog trainer
says an industrialized to your question i think to learn that the trainer the a dog that comes to furniture maturity
the the difference between a mature dog and what passes for maturity in american life which i thought was very nice is very different you know and
ah there was a quote from you know corinthians about act now i put away childish things you know that and it said than done
this dog trainer was saying
much people put away the wrong childish things and keep her other childish things going for dogs don't put away the wrong childish things they do keep childish things like frolicking and
running around like a puppy sometimes and things like that but there's other things random they don't put away their own challenged thing so anyway the maturity of the trainer the handler and can meet the dogs you know so what was the
have some of the dancing yeah
if you know a childish things it was like because it was supposedly a childish thing
i entered into it you know for a hunting but just right now i was thinking
put away the wrong childish things you know like oh i don't i'm not going to dance anymore and that's putting me the wrong things why drop that out of your life is so marvelous you know
so and that was the stream of cash
get brown where i was through
he brings up the promise of it he said why would one of the soon as i am not my boss
cause i costly five not to be carried away by my boss but i have a hard time relating to that
being a person whatever that isn't my thoughts
i'm down not my thoughts were i try to find hold on the desktop out of not my thoughts he isn't the problem results but
that area that where you're not your sauce i haven't having a hard time relating to and pink let me see if i had a so ed brown in a lecture on a table or something like that some said some quote from scripture maybe or his own when i already bought a german that that that has come be your handicap
and as we talking about children he asked him how he felt that he says well i'm feeling fine but the is
and then it goes into saying you know that you don't you're not your body you're not your thoughts you're not etc yes tonight in it struck me because the that's usually micrometer about a good else is my oxford my problem is anything else problems my fostered i create out of what happens
yeah i'm not my eyes have a problem with them what is their oh who am i are not my cause yeah
come across come from me
well we am
i am we do have a strong exceedingly strong
a brief you know that we are our thoughts you know and especially if you're thinking things like i am a worthless person you know you feel terrible and you think they're going to kick me out a year they own if they knew who i really was i be out here in a minute you know because i'm this
so we are very identified with i thought that we believe in them but to say i am not my thoughts is to look at what is self you know what is
what is the teaching around self are not self in buddhism and we can start with
well there's all sorts of in meditations on such a thing where you actually
you know the scanners you know you break yourself into the five heaps of the five rivers and
you have them
rupa scandal which is the scanner of form and in-group skanda are all the material things like the i organ ear nose tongue and body organ okay to have these organs which aren't the eyes and the ears and the nose and mouth themselves
they're the they're called organs because they're they're like the faculty or capacity to see our capacity to hear capacity to smell past the to feel is more like it it's not that nose to nose canada
a thing you know a big but the capacity so that's that yeah so that's so supposedly everybody psychophysical
event is made up of these fires gun is that flow together and causes and conditions so one is these capacities you know and the other is and this is kind of
can be a but anyway so you got this knows capacity and then you
you have a smell of will you know which is this fabulous thing i hope you all out passed around her this is growing somewhere up here
so you have this capacity of smell and then you have melville's out there okay and there's a whole group of other parts of the first kind of roof others sables you know there's case doubles touchable parables and smells okay that's all
part of this thing that some people call you know you call you and then once this capacity to smell if this boring you
the capacity to smell has contact with the smell of will then
the smell consciousness arises okay
which actually occurs in i'm another scandal this kind of consciousness so so you got this you know like you all out here are to me right now are visible know if i sort of grabbed ahold of genetic took a bite out of her she would become a testable
and energy last and she's a horrible you know there's but what is jeanette you know and it's building
what so the thoughts you know so you have these thoughts which also are
so so in terms of the scandals
for example that smell well that's going around if you are from mars and you took a look at that and felt he he would you wouldn't know is it a violent you think is or violence or color purple flower you know you would know anything you'd be this he would have no names were you may not even be able to distinguish it
from something else on the table because you don't know what you don't name it you don't see it but we
can you name it with another one of the scandals called some yeah which is that together maker and it goes through our file in it it says purple flower you know
ever thought
so and then
the last time you got a purple flower your you know your old boyfriend gave it you and then all the sadness arises when you see it and smell it is like ah the whole thing all comes back now and why do we break up and fan the whole others are gonna of that
skyscanner all these emotions than you know anger and removal i wish he wasn't going out with her and
add all comes up under another scan it at another type of thing and then there's consciousness of the whole thing so they get em all rupa some yeah some skara vienna and i missing one
warm feeling feelings may dinner is
there's only three pleasant unpleasant and neutral so you even before he realized that it was from your old boyfriend
there was unpleasant feeling that came up when you smelled it oh and then then you and then you put it together new so what is you you know what what can you pick out of that
besides this whole swirl of thing since happening an old memories that are coming up and a and here bulls that change your thought you know you hear a screech outside what happened you know you have a whole body event that happens when you hear a scream
so to say that i am my thoughts
is where it can narrow you know it's not big enough it's not fast enough and and of course when you see that dumb
when the scandals you know the citruses that all highest gun as are empty so all these things that we've been talking about are empty of inherent existence they all come together by causes and conditions you know they arise at least causes the conditions are so vast and so
the entire universe has come together for this one moment now it's like you there is nothing that you could take away that would not change the way things are so it's so vast and
and we get caught in as this box you know of
yeah i'm a worthless person is a real good one or something like that when there's
the understanding of how this works you know is
seeing how not the thing itself but seeing how it all works is is understanding buddha dharma

so we're very much up a you know people should head people you know it's like from about here down if like me what anything going on the so i think i'm not that you are because your server body person but
you know to sit yourself down settle yourself
and see what's going on you know look turn the light back see what's going on is some
his training you know his partner at training yeah
how dare he say
i am i thought than you're not see or home touch and both fixable to anybody i mean it's the probably the most high school anything because the one thing that no one can know unless you express it through one of those senses as watch your thoughts on so that we would be invisible to everyone else
else you will be part of everything else yes and i am
i wanted asked something and i don't really have that swarming i did very well and it it has to do with him
who i am who anyone he is
this weekend i found out that my mother has them
cancer and i spoke to her last night and she said i'm still upset person i was before and
all the sudden it feels like gum
she's seeing everything differently and are seeing everything differently to from from of their current roles are reversed to the way and it's arrest to come face-to-face with them and can you stopped to think that will you aren't who she is and i i feel all the you know the police to really get into it not not vain
negative stuff and now everything it's just sort of fallen away and come back to this essential for whatever it is and itself
it's finding that it's also kind of wonderful of the see
the i think it takes steps sometimes be able to
relevance to our thoughts and emotions in a garbage truck when
and i i'd like to know how to
well for myself to get through this and how to help her get through this the mean it's another part of life and even process and that's the really that's the only way i can deal with it all
and use some members of my family or
it really angry and in all this other stuff is happening in some people are
meanwhile strong and everybody's got their own way of dealing with it and i
i want to be more in touch the current more in touch with myself in this of how to get through it i want to
learn some form of just talk at a loss happy yeah
certainly begin to tell you
who are exceptions
yeah thank you very much for your words
when you said that everything all the garbage notice just dropped away and there is this essential thing you know that you bantam
you know it's so sad that that happens often and this kind of crisis time and someone's on their deathbed you know or terrible accident it's like ah you know the wasted stuff you know so to see that that's why the meditation on death is is a area to he puts everything
infocus to make everything very clear that you have no time to waste you just this is your time with this person and make it
the present don't waste a moment of it and ten
so so what death on your shoulder or old age sickness or whatever it is you
you come together with people and it's a if you can if you cannot avert not full away from the pain because there will be built part of why people can't stay with his is because it hurts you know so knowing that it's that it will hurt they'll be pain involved in seeing
these changes that might be m
physically painful or you know changes the way your mother looks or whatever it's they cannot avert to not turn away and be there just be yourself but be there you know that some that will be enormous help to her because and you
and everybody around you you know who can't
only that's right cause she wanna call twenty four us and she said if the hardest thing about this for her was telling the rest of us you know and they are just a problem this together
and if you want it's like
you wanted to hurt anyone else and so
as kind of what i decided to to put its great brand new ships and the another have seen in mecca yeah

one say know my father once we want right
i know that they probably like mustard seed everyone
as some sense
it is a shame
we wait to wear
i was thinking about wars question that what you share and talk about dancing
that's very touching a great player that such as
comparing them shutting myself down
the colour coded use has a from i was critical writings there's a line solid every piece of beauty is accusation
ways the same thing you're saying and i was lucky that my lord had said it i think in another way when he says that accusation beauty is acting as a parent or carer critical parent and the whole lot until we meet this standard and we internalize that we started thinking constantly or less i can do that i'm not more
well unless i can get us out level and that's how that protectionism and that's judgmental mine comes into play with us for we i see it
whether supplied by actual parent but they did my parents to do that
maybe somehow motive you need to be something for for to be worthwhile for i don't perform so that's a degree of
work more that's part of that whole parenting thing i think
when i was thinking about laura's question is just days
somehow giving our children the draft guidance they need without in any way making looking back below
mommy now he is keeping those those to a separate car
and we get caught up in this thing about me going to another thing i look pick out on his take on psychotherapy psychotherapists says here without who doesn't have switched from low self-esteem we also have the solution for so choose
ultimately on my destiny answers
and and each approach to a level loss as our job is to network with all our other cell isn't new not work out our separations in our power relationships or any this other stuff simply to see that each person in this room where all it's like it we always left each other and we all part of each other or something
there's a real sense know
that's an amazing has an amazing insight
is that that's really all there is to send the sovereign
i'm i really appreciated when you were talking about that is morning we just a out of be developed to spite of the way
paint again beauty beauty is ashes such beauty is an accusation
yeah i think beauty that's host to the ugliness that dualistic beauty is down with an accusation there was somebody overhear yes
i just the everybody talking and i lived in asia
and studied there
notice me too early is similar between the east
nearly is
what i've lived in asia their sense of ritual in life the way they move through life is so very mastering much
and i see it most most supreme certainly with myself when i have to analyze
i think is the western culture
i just see a theater in are suffering
trying to get everything in mind
perfectly compartmentalised
press because
it is
so much more successful acceptance
in i mean there's no
i don't know i don't see something in there is i see here in my account
yeah i might have suffered
was interesting to see really is
between that
the history and there's usually the suffering around
just like even in religion verses of somerset
the food is me to talk about sufferings are attached with christianity to started crust suffered of just like screw much
that that an average distance man
yamaha system
managed to report child
i'm not i don't know know what i yeah yeah i'm you know i've never been to an asian country so i
and i look forward to visiting somebody but i know from having visitors here who move throughout the space here and people will have steady like in japan there's some some real basic differences in body
of the life of the body mind or something and you know
some of the practices here which are body practices hills to being body practice zen practice you of holding your hand certain waves in the thousand and you do or aoki practice you know the nested bowl than you
old and poor and do all the things that
there isn't really an equivalent i think so much an equivalent
but am i don't know what you said about this more suffering and marine county than in other places
are you get fixed for example
dress in india
it's acceptable
it's not so sure
with respect is not surgery
there's more of an acceptance
the humor
i have various thirst assessment
that a struggle
how i says here in could be compared to when ethnic vs on come from asian country and i feel
would you say and des moines kind of my future
in this country there if something like that happens hump and deal and it has been preparing myself i heard my dad had a problem and i tried to take medication that type of microbe attacked when i'm sending him medication and did i tried to
these medications can affect him and i learned i'm gonna kill him because it's going to shorten the time the new medication is and
new i can for our summer is this
it's a host monkey go fuck and don't have any tickets and i started looking at oriental medicine or one of these things
the thing i i have experienced in this conscious is the biggest support digit the pain is there's a tremendous support you get to years
amazing and you melt in the process and i feel i'm not going to have to the fortieth my grandmother was my everything as she was
kind of my brush and presses and then she died and i i i dreamed her in my bedroom and and then she told me she's she's here my guess is just gonna leave and then i i couldn't deal with that i felt if how
eleven first one was gonna tell me by hearts com nelson's and then i felt i'm going to hide it and there was five years ago i can't believe i hiked from everybody my husband knew they were calling i got a little as i didn't have internet it and then
for full year i hide it till i went back and i went to the cemetery and i couldn't deal because i was behind and everybody already they had degrees and everything and i got really bad the of my whole face duchess breaking and then
i developed it just terrible feverish and it's the whole thing i felt is because i didn't have as crookston and almost i had to fears and going to be so lonely something happens tears
the school system as she said it's it's wonderful right now we're putting together this type of scheme and hundred to promote the understanding that to complete jerk geographical locations because dimension
even mentioning
asia and i know geography pretty well and to mentions russia which is also an asia and then you mentioned the orange singapore china and are two different complete philosophies and two different kind of yeah it's broken the same email access right now
because i understand the question is and russia are skilled in asia and the oriental concepts completely different ones mentioned the goodison interpretation in one location can like for each pan and then you take russia just
different philosophical beliefs acceptance and their whole turmoil and all that time there that's pumped through the counterbalance have been quite follow you on man
russia says know but i don't actually in russia is ideas the raceways come on brushes and and russian
the administration bureau
has already in marshall which is also asia it's is religion the orient as veteran states and russia was created specifically for i can be oriental in your assignments or was for hong kong right because i think the problem of isolation and loneliness in the western countries and is
is well known and lack of community and designing of community hiding way of death and you know so on shows more suffering here though because right ha yeah it's
but that's one person's experience you know what i do feel like
it's hard to say you know
an indian peasant putting their prison their loved one on the pyre even though they've seen a thousand such things happen what kind of sexy nickel and so but it's it is visible is out there it is more every day
acceptance that i think is very true although it's beginning to change yes office office of i've always wished that cleaned out it being a price that survey this comes your pardon
the kind of help that were times that we do more to posting know it has that's what we're not complaining about it that our our culture doesn't allow hours and that really brought them together it as a group remained within our own family or something we do recall but i'd like to see good
yeah let's take a well-known because we obviously you know if we want more things to do together and it's one thing that really caused by me about american buddhism that the american christianity has a much better is the concept of fellowship and it's not that i'm
to go to the christian churches that after church we are people really get together and they do the together and they they have social functions that are for the community and many you know me wandering off describing what kinds of things i'd like to hear from you and others kinds of things you would like us this this has been an ongoing quo
she for years and we've tried certain things the lay group out here and a membership and you know