As I turned and faced this Zafu tonight, it occurred to me that I can actually do nothing by myself and that even now I'm being supported by everything. Somebody has gotten my Zafu, given me water, and has come tonight to listen to me talk about something, and I appreciate it. Thank you very much. I wasn't supposed to talk tonight, but as circumstances turned out, I am. So I thought that the thing that is uppermost anyway in my mind right now is the ride that

[01:11]

I just did. So for those of you who don't know, I just participated in the sixth California AIDS ride that goes from San Francisco to Los Angeles by bicycle in a week. Did I? Really? Yes, I did. So what I thought I would do is talk to you a little bit about it and then actually what I'd like to do is leave it for you to ask me some questions about it, because maybe some of you have some interest in it, and then we could kind of go forward that way and then stop. And also, I brought pictures, just in case.

[02:13]

And I would like to thank you for ... See, now, I'm going to have a very difficult time with this talk, because for some reason or other I really don't understand it and I don't know why. But when I begin to talk about it or when I talk about it somewhat, and it never happens at the same time, never happens about when I talk about the same thing, it's always a different thing, I start to cry. And I don't know why, I have no idea why. But maybe because it was an intense event, maybe it was because I completely threw my self into it, maybe because it was something about effort, which I am always appreciative of, some kind of purity of effort. I don't know. But anyway, or maybe it's because I felt really supported by everybody, which is a wonderful

[03:25]

thing to feel, and often I'm resistant to it. I don't know why. It's never at the same time, but I do cry. So if I tear up or if my voice starts shaking, it's okay. I'm actually happy, but I don't get it. So that's one of the things I wanted to tell you. One of the things I wanted to tell you was, please, if it occurs to you at some time, just with a complete abandon, just throw yourself into something completely, burn yourself up, and enjoy not being self-concerned. And for me, I think a lot of the ride was exactly about that, about what Dogen means by non-dual activity or complete activity or selfless activity, like Sumiye must have

[04:29]

been last night. It's a good example. But the point is not just to experience a day or a half an hour or a moment of selfless activity, but to understand that that is the possibility of our lives. And when that happens, you can see the difference between carrying the burden of a self and being released. And when you have that kind of experience or that kind of reminder, we must then really carefully study this self that we're so convinced we need to be happy or to exist well. And really let it go. It's not necessary, and it is our source of suffering. So the point is to have some of these experiences, but the main thing is to move that experience

[05:35]

into our daily life. This is Soto Zen Buddhism. So that when the self comes up in daily life, at that moment, let it go and go back. To whatever the activity is that you're doing. Riding a bicycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles is a really good way to learn how to do that. For me, it was just like sushi. And the reason why it's a really good way is, is because your life depends on it. And I'm not kidding. Right? It's true. If you don't pay attention to the road that's exactly in front of you, if you don't pay attention to really being there on the bike, you miss the gravel, you miss the glass. I never had a flat, ever, because I missed the glass. I saw glass, I didn't go there. Okay.

[06:37]

And when you completely do something like that, it is as if nothing happened. This is familiar. When we sit Seshin and you're completely Seshin, at the end of Seshin you go, what happened to the week? I know I sat Seshin, but nothing happened. Completely gone. Thoroughly burned up. Complete activity. So that was the one thing, at the end of the ride they send you a survey, and, as a matter of fact, during the ride I talked to some people about it, and it was what I recommended, that the people who are on the ride begin to have, maybe if some people wanted to, we can offer some kind of vocabulary to them to understand the experience that they've actually had. And of course I talked about it in Buddhist terms, which, I wasn't preaching, but it just

[07:49]

seemed so clear to me, you know. So now I will pass out my pictures. The first picture is about a quarter of the bikes that were involved. Shall I pass these out? Do you want to see them? You can just pass them around, I don't care if you buzz and whatever, I'll just talk right over you. And the next picture is me starting out. The next picture is what it's like on the road. You know, my camera is not a very good camera, so you can see, I can tell you that there are a lot of people ahead of me, but you can only really see the back of one. And then there's a picture of about an eighth of the tents that we all, there were 2,800 riders on this ride, and about 700 crew. And this is, you can't see this picture, there's not enough light, but it's in the, well anyway.

[09:02]

Okay, this is a picture of when you pick up your stuff at the tent, you should explain this part, but when you pick up your luggage, they had big huge vans, when you went to get your luggage at night and give it back to them in the morning, people who were the crews of that particular truck dressed up, sometimes they did, and made kind of fun, that one. This is another picture on the road, then we had pit stops, I'm just telling you things, you probably can't put it together, but we can put it together at the end. Pit stop is where people mostly went to the bathroom, and had food, you can have oranges and bananas, Clif bars, and I forgot. So here are the pictures of the toilets, these are really important.

[10:07]

And then this is a picture of a sign that says caution, bikes on the road, which they had all the way up and down the route, it was really incredible the way they organized everything, you felt totally safe. And then there were these people on motorcycles that leapt ahead and always told you where to go, and when I was doing it, as I was on the ride and doing it, every time I became really fond of these people, because they were there to warn you, they were there every time there was something dangerous. So I ended up loving these people, because I would be riding along and if there were gravel or something, or a big huge pothole on the road, there would be somebody standing there pointing to it, like that. Or sometimes you'd be on the freeway and it would be hard to get, you'd try to get across where the freeway car is going on the off-ramp, on the exit, and they'd be standing there telling you to stop, or telling you that it's clear, go ahead, because when you're on a bicycle, you're gathering all this momentum, and the worst thing in the world is to stop.

[11:13]

You don't ever want to stop, so you have all this momentum going, and they would tell you it's safe, they'd be signaling you, you can just keep right on going. It was great. These were the guys on the motorcycle. Then they had emergency, an emergency van went up and down all the time on the road. I took a picture of the emergency van. Then they had bike tech people, which I used. One day I was feeling really bad and I brought my bike to the bike tech people because I thought it just needed air in the tires, but it turned out that my brake was pinched on the back tires. He fixed it and then he turned to me and said, and I bet you were feeling like you were pedaling through mud, which I was. Then all along the road there were, not all along the road actually, but a lot of the time there were kids, children out there applauding. At one point a whole school was selling things and they had a big

[12:20]

sign that all the donations were for AIDS, would go to AIDS money. We raised $11.1 million, which is a lot of money. Then there were some people who had signed HIV thanking you as you went down. And the next one is a sign that says halfway to LA and everybody stopped and took a picture. And then this is coming down the hill from that, it was a seven mile downhill, that was a very nice time. And then this is a picture of me at the Los Angeles County line. I'm really happy there. I was really happy there. And then after that, the last pit stop, there was a big party with dancing and stuff, those two pictures. And then there's a congratulations at the ceremony at the end, big sign. And the last few pictures

[13:21]

are my family. My dad came to meet me. My dad came to meet me and my brother and my sister-in-law. My dad was 86 years old and he has emphysema. And it is really hard for him to like go from the living room to the dining room. And he came out. It was great. That's my family. And this is the route. This little thing is the route. This is the first day, second day, third day, fourth day. And it has the hills on it, which I ended up really liking the hills because I just went really slowly. And I just pedaled up the hill. So those are pictures you can look at if you want. And here's what I wrote about it. Two weeks ago, I rode with 2,800 other people to Los Angeles by bicycle. You get

[14:26]

up every morning at 4 foot... Now, this will sound really familiar to you. And you can tell me what you think it is at the end, okay? You get up every morning at 4.45 and go through a morning ritual. You get dressed, eat, pack up and are ready to ride by 6.30. All day long, you're alone on your bike being totally present so that you don't get hurt, miss a turn, mistakenly ride over glass, get a flat, fall, riding through gravel on a turn or by inattention endanger other people. Every so often, you have to stop to go to the bathroom and eat, then back on the bike until you stop, stretch, eat, shower, set up your tent, set up your stuff for the next day and fall completely, deeply asleep. You do this for seven days. Sometimes, your body hurts. Sometimes, you feel elated. But mostly, you are so present

[15:34]

that nothing happens at all. There is no trace, just complete activity. Okay. I don't know why I'm crying here. It's amazing. Mile after mile, moment after moment, pedal stroke after pedal stroke. You have to monitor the nerves in your hands when you're leaning on the handlebars. You monitor your shoulders, telling yourself to relax. You notice any beginning of any ache or pain and adjust slightly or sit through, depending on the type of pain and where it is. And all along... I don't think I can do this. And all along, you're pedaling home.

[16:43]

There's no Los Angeles, no San Francisco. I can't see. Just the road immediately ahead. I recommend this to anybody. The wind on your body, the bird sound, the coyotes scurrying across the road down the hill, the dolphins at the first view of the Pacific. After sailing down seven miles of a long hill, after the... Is it the Gaviota Pass? That pass? Some pass. Big hill. That was a big hill. Along the road, there are people sitting and waving us on, some of them children, some of them people with signs that read HIV positive. Some just

[17:54]

watching the miles of riders going by for, it must have been, hours. There were hills so high, you couldn't see the top, and roads so desolate and long, I had to chant Kanzeon and let the rhythm meld with each stroke of the pedal to carry me along. And then the joy of seeing the Pacific Ocean. And a sign for the Los Angeles county line. Why am I crying? It's ridiculous. Anyway. Thank you. For some people, it was a social event. For some, an athletic challenge. For me, it was a moving session. And I loved it. Anyway,

[18:56]

that kind of activity is activity which leaves no trace. And I think somewhere in each of us, we totally understand what that's about. Because every time you feel, every time we feel something like that, it's the kind of life that we want to lead. Because at that time, the heart is open. Because the thing, our heart actually is open all the time. And the way we miss it is we put the self in front of it. So when the self drops away, gratitude comes up. And you can't miss it. So that's what I wanted to say. So Suzuki Roshi said, when you do something, you should burn yourself completely like a

[19:58]

good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself. Usually what we do is, especially if you have a relationship with anybody, what happens is, before you even do anything in the relationship, your mind comes up with some thought, some concept, some idea of what it is, who that person is, and what your relationship should be about. That's a trace. It means that you haven't actually presented yourself to that other person. And what happens is, because you're not completely yourself, you can't be a mirror for the other person. So that if you are actually yourself completely, that mirror is a true mirror. And then you just take the consequences for what it is, and then you learn. Well, if I do this completely, I end up causing pain. Well, maybe I'll watch that really carefully and modify that behavior.

[20:59]

But if you modify your behavior before you actually are who you are, you can't ever figure that out. Zen activity is activity which is completely burned out, with nothing remaining but ashes. And this is the goal of our practice. This is what Dogen meant when he said, ashes do not come back to firewood. Ash is ash. Ash should be completely ash, and firewood completely firewood. When this kind of activity takes place, one activity covers everything. So it's not a matter of, you know, one moment or one week, seven days, seshin, ten-day retreat or whatever. It's a whole lifetime practice, and this is our Soto way. This is the Soto Zen way. Little by little, on each activity, in this morning breakfast, was it this morning

[22:08]

breakfast? It was at lunch. I was listening in the dining room, and it's really hard to have a metal spoon and a ceramic bowl. It always goes clunk, [...] and some people are listening, and a lot of people are not. They're just clunk, [...] and if it's clunk, [...] in a sense, we miss a chance to be completely there. This kind of practice is practicing with your whole body and mind. It's an approach to non-duality. So, moment after moment, we should devote ourselves to this kind of practice, not having any remains after we do something. But this doesn't mean to forget all about it. If we understand this point and the dualistic thinking, then all the problems of life, I'm

[23:19]

told, will vanish. It's so simple, the instructions, and so difficult to do. It's really hard to do. But if we don't make this kind of effort, moment after moment, this is what it means by continuity. If you achieve continuity, this is the host within the host. That's what it means. So, the neat thing about the AIDS ride, in a way, I guess, is that it makes you, unlike Sashin, in a way, it makes you be completely present. Anyway, that was my experience. And that was my joy, to pedal from San Francisco to Los Angeles, completely

[24:22]

present. Pedal, after pedal, after pedal, going slow enough to really appreciate California and each person who was in front of me or behind me, and everybody who was supporting the activity, schlepping luggage, setting up the tents, driving the trucks. And like I said at the beginning, we're supported like that all the time. Somebody made our dinner tonight. Each one of us who lives in the building, one of you who live in the building, have a house job. It's so silly, you know? And that house job supports every

[25:23]

single person. Your meal board job, you know? This is a community of dependents who are present, co-arising, complete interconnectedness. It shows it to us all the time. We're totally supported all the time. And the only thing we're asked to do within the midst of that total support is to be present. That's our job. And when we can't do it real well, then you have to be compassionate. In the summer we're going to do compassion practice, the intensive. But when you can have the strength and the

[26:25]

attention, then you have to cut through the mind of duality and rest in the awesome miracle of the body. It's another thing that happens to me in age, right? I completely underestimated the body. There's no way at 55 years old I can pedal from San Francisco to Los Angeles. But I trained and my body responded in a way I have no understanding of really. But I will tell you this. If you crave sugar, you might consider you're not getting enough protein. I was amazed. I'm a cookie person. I didn't care. I didn't even look at a cookie. All

[27:29]

my training, I could choose, do I actually want this cookie or not? Whereas usually it's like I already want the cookie and I have to sort of negotiate. But no, I didn't care. It wasn't like that. It's protein. So that's the end of my story. So if you have questions, we can spend a few minutes on questions. My understanding is that people bonded on the training rides for the most part. And

[28:34]

the crew make friends, I think. And if you go with other people, I think you make friends. I mean, that bonds people. Some people did it on tandem bikes. Now, you're either good friends or you know that you're not at the end of that ride. I heard somebody say, you know, are you pushing? I'm pushing! I did it! But I did have some very interesting conversations with people. And one with a person who had no legs and was going down doing it this way. And I stayed with him for a while and we talked for a while. So I did talk with people on the road and sometimes in meals. But I was so totally focused that I came to camp at whatever time I came and I had certain things to do. And it usually took me about three hours

[29:36]

to do everything I just needed to do. As soon as I came, I had to stretch, I had to re-eat carbonate and protein and food to the body, take a shower, which was heaven, and get my tent and my luggage, set the thing up. And by the time I did all that, it was fine with me to go to sleep. I didn't need to stay up and watch entertainment, which there was. I stayed up one night to watch the talent show, and that night they talked about, they told stories of people doing the ride and why. And that was extremely and profoundly encouraging to me, of course. So I was glad I did that. But otherwise, mostly I would just go to sleep. I wanted to wake up at six and be out by six-thirty in the morning because I wasn't one of the fastest ones by any means. And I found that if I did my schedule, which I'm used to, it's our schedule, and got out early at six-thirty, that I could be back

[30:42]

at a reasonable amount of time and stay within my training pace, which was really important. So I never had any problems with my muscles or my knees. People were taped all kinds of interesting ways. All their muscles around their knees were taped and stuff. I don't know why, actually, but I didn't have that. And I wore zinc all over my face and my arms and stuff, so only my ears got sunburned because I forgot my ears. Question from audience member. Planning? Well, you know, people ask that question. It's a very interesting question. When you plan, you're actually sitting down, being present and planning for some imagined

[31:44]

future. So long as you know that it's an imagined future and that you're actually planning right here in the present, you're still being present. And at every moment we have a choice. I could have chosen to get up later and left later. You always have a choice. And every moment you're free to choose. Do you know, am I responding to your question? No. Okay. Question from audience member. Of the ride? The training, I did get a sense of, I mean, I was really present at every training ride, on the rides. You have to be. You just have to be. I guess the difference was that on the training rides, I was kind of, the training rides were really intense.

[32:51]

My whole life fell away in some way. And it was just training. Lifting weights. I did my own training. I trained mostly by myself and one other friend. And I had a personal trainer. I was training exactly how they told you to train. And at one point I completely did what you call a bonk. Which is, you're riding. Well, what happened was, I was at the Presidio and I was going down a hill and then I was going up the hill. And I knew when I left the house that I really didn't feel like riding that day. But I didn't know any other way. I just had to train. Because if I didn't train, I trained a lot out of fear, to tell you the truth. You just have to do it, you know. So I was very willing to do it, but that was a lot of the motivation. I mean, you have to do it. You don't have a choice. You have to sit. You have to do it. It's Seshin. You know, you do the schedule. You have to do the schedule. So I didn't want to go that day. Anyway, I went anyway. And

[33:52]

I went down the hill and then I didn't have, I had no strength in my legs at all to even pedal up the other hill. Nothing was there. I had never experienced anything like it. I was scared to death. So my bike went kind of like up the hill a little bit and then down until I was at the bottom of these two hills and I didn't see any way out. And what happened was I walked my bike this way up a street out of the Presidio and I think I rested and I had an everyday bar and then I pedaled back. And it turns out I was doing the rides correctly, you know, this many rides a week and this long and only ten percent each week more and so on and so forth, but I wasn't only eating the amount of food that I normally eat, which meant that I was exerting all of these calories and stuff like that and not refuel, putting gas in the car, I learned later. So I began eating everything and anything.

[34:53]

And this is a real plus for doing this kind of training, this intense kind of training. And you can eat anything you want and as much as you want. I didn't gain one pound nothing. And I put on muscle. So between all of the stuff that I ate and the muscle that I gained, I actually probably lost something, I'm sure, because I weigh exactly the same now as I did before and I ate massive amounts of food. You gained 15 pounds? Did you take it off? This is a frightening thing at a certain age. You're saying, yeah, my stomach now, yeah. Right, yeah, I'm experiencing that now. I'm being very careful of what I'm eating now. I found out about the ride in January. Was it January?

[35:58]

I don't remember. No, it must have been earlier even than that. You planted the seed in my mind and I forgot about it. And then I read a card right down here in one of the cafes, they had a little card. It advertised the AIDS ride. When I came back from hurting my knee in December, in about January, I went to a cafe down here and they had these little cards. Let's watch out for these little cards. Because at the bottom of the card it says, in very big capital letters it says, after you read the card and think, oh, that's a very good idea, some people should do that. You get to the bottom of the card and at the bottom of the card it says, you can do this. And I thought, are they talking to me? Well, yes, I guess. I mean, I picked it up. Maybe I can. And so I called up. And I registered and I was kind of late.

[37:01]

And so there was a time there when I knew or didn't know I was going to be on the ride exactly and I had to register in Los Angeles. But anyway, it happened. So I started training in the middle of February. February, middle of March, middle of April, middle of May to June the 6th. So I trained for three and a half months and I started by going like a flat 25 miles. And I ended by doing almost not every hill. I mean, I didn't ever go up Tam, Mount Tam, but most all the hills around here. And I ended up doing 200 miles in a week. So, I mean, that's intense from almost nothing to doing it. And yet at the end of it, I had no, the two or three days before the ride, I had no belief that my body was going to be able to take. The most I did was 200 miles in seven days, right?

[38:05]

Or the last ride I did was three rides in a row of 65, 70-ish. So how I was going to translate that into seven days, 570 miles, I had no confidence at all that that was going to happen. I couldn't understand how it did it. I don't know how it happens, but the body, something happens. The body understands something and you end up doing it and enjoying it. I liked it a lot. So I don't want to keep you very late just talking to myself about this ride. But anyway. It's funny, I hesitated saying, but I'll say anyway.

[39:19]

I really wish you all well. You know, that's the kind of feeling I'm left with when I start to cry again. I wish you well. I really do. I wish your lives free of pain. And that we practice together deeply and for a long time.

[39:52]

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