today i want to talk a little bit about just
how happy i am to be here
practicing with you hurt the city centre
hmm

i haven't practiced here for a number of years and though there are many old familiar faces and their friends and
many of you whom i'm just meeting in the hope i will be able to become more intimate was as i'm here and living and practicing with you
one thing i think we need to be really clear about you and i is that the
where a group of people practicing together
ah
i don't want anybody to get the notion that the
ha somehow i'm sitting up here i mean there is the situation where i'm sitting here facing that when you're sitting there facing this way but we're just all practicing together
and
where each trying to find out how it is that this practice of sitting meditation this practice of not moving in the middle of our life
ah will help us to take care of her life or to live our life more carefully of more attentively or to be more willing to be
just this one whatever it is

i think most of us come to practice thinking that were somehow going to be a different and better person after a while
and it may be a disappointment to find that however long we practice it's still it's still me
and there are a lot of old familiar ah things that come up
that i had hoped my a wither away by now
oh
so what have i been doing all this time
and why do i keep doing it
oh
well this one of the primary reasons i keep doing it
on
as because at a time in my life when which i was a great deal of confusion i met someone who has been practicing thousand for fifty years
and he was a wonderfully open and he was the first person i ever met that seeing it seemed to me that he accepted me completely as i was he was not making some requirement that i'd be different before it was all right for me to be here
on
and i got the notion after been around awhile that suzuki roshi got that way by sitting zazen for fifty years
ready i don't know but anyhow i got that notion and ah and then i met a few other people who've been sitting zazen for very long time and each person i met have been sitting zazen for very long and there was something about them that
they gave me some confidence
in
in the sitting
oh in the somehow finding out how to to not move in the middle of my life cause my life was always thinks keep coming up
in my life know there's an expression that i saw once life jumps
you're going along and you think you know what's happening in your life and all of a sudden jumps and something else is happening
and how do we maintain some composure and find out how to meet this new situation and her life
for me ah one of the ways that
but as i said over the years it seems to me that one one life jumps it doesn't throw me for quite as much a loss
because i have was in ah well established practice of zazen that can help me cause stabilized myself in the midst of of this great wave
oh
and in fact that those of you know me know that that my life just jumped ah quite recently i was planning to come into the city to to lead the practice period and looking forward to it and all excited about it and i had some idea about waiting practice period on a moment i thought
ah and then i got a call while i was visiting at tassajara from my daughter to tell me that
she was ill and bedridden and could i please come home right away and help her take care of the baby and help take care of her
oh
and so you know that luna of in some of you know that and have been doing a lot of that me afternoons we've been going up and take care of or she's getting better but she has a chronic illness which will come and go and is totally unpredictable
and the
it's just
no was a big jump
and the only way i could maintain some
composure in the face of it
was to not move
oh
and i know i i don't to oh bloody those a lot a little wobbling and there but it seems to be seem so sitting down some and i think because of us and it seems to have steady down some

now this not moving on
to me doesn't
i don't know how to talk about this practices of immobile sitting or this not moving and a way that doesn't sound like sung
macho ah trip of
i'm gonna sit here and not move on
it's it's difference in there for me
it's more it's more
ah it's softer than that it's more flexible than that it's more yielding than that it's a home
ah more about finding out how to settle into where i am
ah with some ease and some willingness to be here
ah rather than ah
oh clenching
myself and holding myself still
oh
and i i'm talking figuratively about doesn't but i'm also talking literally about about finding your posture is not a question of forcing your body into some posture ah and holding it there
ah it's a question of finding how you can
stay with what's going on
on your saw flu in your life a moment after moment ah without fighting it
ah
if you have some particular problem with your posture you may have to work with your posture you may have to find some other way of staying with the schedule or staying in as and though you may have to walk came in half the time you may have to lie down may have to do standing thousand how can
you not move how can you not run away from your life how can you work with but of a resistance comes up ah in some way that respects the resistance and still
response to your to your effort to find out how to be willing to be right where you are
be willing to be feeling what you're feeling
he willing to be ah as you are and not as you would like yourself not not
some idea of how you think you ought to be or how you think someone else wants you to be how is it to be just this one just as she is
what's that
can you settle into being this one
can you in settling in to to being this one appreciate its connectedness
with all of these apparently separate beings that you may see

can you notice how much ah the idea of
the idea of self comes up for you
he can you acknowledge that
and admit oh yeah i'm thinking i'm thinking of this a separate independent being again and i call myself

there is so
i think i always a haven't maybe always will bring up this
line that category roshi she said in my first says and instruction ah
we set to settle the self on the self and let the flower of your life force blue
and this was really it it stay has stayed with me
and more recently it took a little turn
and it's more like if i say and let the flower of my life force womb
it might make me feel that my life force is somehow different than your life force or different in your life force and so how that expression comes up from me more recently is
to sell herself on the self
and let the force room as me
met the life force which we all share this life which were all living in here like this
and long here like this and boom here like this
so as not to confuse
the life is being this life forces being separate from there are there now

and so unsettling here as being willing to be here like this without moving
to be able to appreciate this flower
hopes to appreciate each flower
the connection among us
and the the particular manifestation of each one
ha

it's interesting to me in this particular difficulty that i've been settling in to
on you can't really pick some aspect of your life and say oh this is unfortunately this is bad you know and this is good i because ah wow well it's difficult and upsetting
that her
but our daughter is ill at the same time
ah this has been a very intimate time for the family it's but a time of great family solidarity and lou and i are are with truly and and then and jacob my grandson
every day
this is not a circumstance it would have occurred otherwise
so that there's viruses or new mind an appreciation for each other and are entered mutual dependence and would not have happened without this illness
so it's it's hard to look you know it's hard to to in any event in your life is not just one color it's not just
i mean just it's rounded it has its
oh
it has various facets to it
it's not really possible to say oh that's bad
that's just what's happening now
how can i settle into this and and live this

one of the
the theme of this practice period which begins on saturday is taking refuge in sanga
and the
this word a japanese word
ah
that we use for taking refuge
his kid
no okay but soon i'm okay oh no okay so the through refuges and put a diamond sangha
and the scares is to characters the key means to plunge into or to throw yourself into without without reservation
and the a is to rely on or to return to
oh so to take refuge and song is to throw ourselves into sanga the throw ourselves into this community of practitioners this
hero hiroshi is to say sanga means peace and harmony
ah
so how do we throw ourselves into how do we rely on each other how do we support each other
how do we together though this practice is something that we can't do by ourselves and no one can do it for us
we need the support of others practicing and yet we have to do our own practice for ourself

part of that relying on sanga or plunging into sanga
we're taking refuge and sanga is developing an intimacy among ourselves
so that we can fully appreciate each other
so we can fully appreciate each other's practice
so my hope is that i will be able to reveal myself to you as fully as i can
and that you will be able to reveal yourselves to me as fully as you can and it will all be able to reveal ourselves to each other
so there are many ah
many aspects of a practice period
which
which help us reveal ourselves to one another
we have peace in which we have discussion together we have
ceremonies in which we come forward and present ourselves
to someone in front of and front of everyone to the agree that we can
ah
my feeling is that that this this practice of sanga is one of the things that helps us
two
to see to what degree were willing to let other people see us just like this it helps us to see whether we're willing to be this right now or not
it helps us to see what idea of self were carrying that makes us not really want to be seen quite like this
what
what is it that we that we want to keep hidden and what is it that we don't mind revealing
ah

who how how can we come to trust one another more
oh and so little by little this possibility of trusting one another and being willing to be seen by one another
developed

it's hurry it's a great relief
do not have anything behind
to be able to be
as you are without worrying that somebody might know it

to take a chance on revealing yourself and see that you're not
rejected for being here you are
and so part of our practice is not only to reveal ourselves but to accept one another and appreciate one another fully
and of course if we have some a sharp edges that the bump into someone and they say ouch
when we had to see that we've got a sharp edge
oh it's hiroshi suzuki roshi son
cause it potato practice
he said when you want to clean up a bucketful of potatoes you don't pick up each tatum and scrub it if he put a bunch of water in the bucket and storm around and they treat each other
and so practicing closely together
this kind of intimacy as little wife had to it so he bumped into each other and then you find out oh sees me
didn't realize i had that the sharp angle there

so we need to be able know if song is peace and harmony we need to be able to let one another know
about a sharp angles that heard without rejecting them
ah we need to accept them and be able to let them know about sharp angles the hurt so we have to file some kind speech some kind way to let people know when they have sharp angles would hurt
and still fully accept them and appreciate
and be ready to hear about are sharp angles the hurt when we pumping some
and appreciate that someone has the kindness to let us know
so this kind speech is a very important part of our practice together the samba

he's be sometimes i think just just sit here together
is
the most wonderful thing we can do and the talking is really
ah unnecessary

is there anything you'd like to printer
yes
gardening
so confused i that included a question at hand over her
i really appreciate you putting the emphasis on appreciated
you have each other and minute add another set of this guy
but then i guess i'm no good have a pudding that pad not conducted a or anything i just had less matters gonna ever known as that is an earth is
as or that they are currently across cross hanging out an africa there's also a certain set of set up
handmade the inevitable result i'm not exactly on a violence will
half way or another certain to carry out the other and we will just made me exactly that you know how make sense of humor
ask lady who he asked there was not part of the for
southern here is a certain set of rules and requirements are certainly i mean week we don't come to be residents in the building in order to be able to participate in practice
ah
and as far as i'm concerned whether one ah wants to be here and ah and participate to the degree that residents are expected to participate
or doesn't want to be hearing and participate to the degree that residents need to participate doesn't have anything to do with whether i accept them or not
it's just that while why you're here naturally you do what you came here to do which i think is a mean i think people come here because there's an opportunity to practice into your close to the zendo he right here it's no problem somebody rings awake a bell and helps you to do what you
want to do if you don't want to do that anymore than naturally live in a situation where that's not that's not require little i don't think that has to do with accepting and not accepting
a person has been completely a wonderful person and a bodhisattva siphon and ill it's no problem is just that when you want to do what we're doing here than you come here to live and do that and we want to do something different than you than you live where you don't need to do that
this that visit
does accepting you fully as a as a as a what he sought for weaned you the same thing as saying oh as inviting you to be reznor the building where you will you found the schedule not i mean i think i'm hearing two different things thing resin of the building and being accepted or not
a
to me
ah
the same thing
i mean i you know i was a green gulch and i will sir
not
paying attention
for my kind of at one point man been around for five or six years
and the then ponto said to me if she won't stay here you can have to straighten up your act
i was so mad
how does he think she is if i want to stay here
and i walked back to the and saw me among house any nieces or little kid to turned up no got to disney
i went around with a just a and just a total rage for about two weeks
oh
and then i went back to the i realize i said
i came to see because i wanted some discipline from the community because my self discipline was working
and he breathed a big sigh because he didn't know whether i was going to stay or leave that i didn't know when i was going to scaling i was really furious
oh
but the fact is that my behavior had been pretty outrageous
and
it was also a fact that i was really angry with him for presuming of free taking this kind of authoritarian tone with me like he had the right to tell me whether i could stay or go and i was really curious for about two weeks
and then i realized well actually he was just asking me
did you know
do we do this or don't you are lila's
and i really did one do it
but i had to decide i want to do it
and he was kind of giving me a cutting edge to work with
and he was greatly relieved
when i came back to because he did not know which way out and go from there
there was a very important moment in my practice
on
for me to decide i want to be serious about this or not
a reply to play around with it
on
it also taught me something about
ah skill and means and that is that a person learned skill and means by trial and error
but is he didn't know what my response was gonna be he tried something he went on a limb kind of whom he tried something and then he knows the result was gonna be in told to amount on you ah
so that's been kind of help for me right onto to
the realized that that a person doesn't
wasn't necessarily know what's gonna be helpful
but because you wanna be helpful you have to try something
ah
as we tried something that turned out to have been helpful to me

may i don't think that the
necessarily living in a residential practice place is what everybody wants to do
oh how i i happen to find it very of
very supportive of practice in a way it's kind of a lazy person's way to practice somebody sets out a schedule and you know you're gonna do it means they ran away the bell and you just get up until the zendo and you don't have to think that
when i didn't live in a residential practice place and to get myself up at home and yet over to the zendo early morning and in fact a he knows it was really hard and what i did was that i was sitting at the berkeley san though
is i made arrangements with somebody else who didn't have a car to pick her up and paper the zendo every morning
and so then when i woke up and say on the all pets gonna be standing on the corner oh shoot i get up and i'd go and what does she stand on the corner lotta was opened in my car and i got the this end of i realized when i made that racial with pat the kind of jitney to get up and do what i wanted to do with
sometimes it didn't feel i'm filling
ah it was just sort of in a way of kind of of far
tricking myself to to do what i wanted to do
him well
i was rather in every or two hours it seemed my cars cause odors gardeners over com
our sometimes the isn't
you have heard of absolutely
in or whatever
perhaps and around me were paced by all night
he would often heavily as well i have example i to come up with between been around the street in the not long ago i was tired are all he tell congress a certain person on the doing software andor meditation or why we are going the same company or something and and
you know how powerful person
and i have never over is likely to be why don't you just get out of you know not long go and they weren't entirely wrong
right
those are highly educated as the people and forcibly removed or are on are some time now early now download kind europe is all the more typical any a single out lives sort of sense that they are own insecurities and fears
years and so longer coming up and until it gets along anger and hostility and association and also a a long as player and yeah yeah it can happen when cause because we're all human were all carrying whatever he yourself were carrying
and that's what i'm talking about being able to appreciate one another and still try to let somebody know when they're sharp edges heard
but to try to find a kind of way to let somebody know when they're sharp edges hurt
ha i mean we're all of us here with whatever baggage we're told him and were all toting some know and
and while we may all have the intention of of being very careful with kind of speech with one another it doesn't always happen like that you know before we know it sounds on our mouth and and we've just hurt somebody's feelings
ah
it's not much we can do about that but own it
no
and
we wish we were all we all start where we are
i mean i have
there was a period when things were little rock with lou and me and he said to me
you've got a dumb shit look at i am not willing to see it one more time that by a seat one more time i am outdoor as a well wait a minute you know you can't do i know what you're talking about you know he's going to have to tell me when i'm doing it you know so i can see what it is that you're seeing you
so you know we went along and wasn't very long will said what i'm talking about
and i am i tell look consign and oh my god i'm thinking you dumb shit and he hadn't been nailed to the wall
i am still working on trying to draw and dumb shit mean it's i'm still working on why i was in all a green gulch the dawn's were terrified of me because they would bring down wrong i look at me with a shimla
ah
when we have habits
and it's really hard to to catch them before they can't out on a ban will just have to work on
ah
but for me it's useful if somebody tells me
mommy i'm getting on now permission to tell me if you if you see me what was dumb shit look on my face you know
ah
because i don't want to do that but i have a lifelong habit to of judging people and gone me
punk have to be so stupid
oh
and i know we all have habits like that letter or hard to be around
and yet it will all you know we all want to practice and we help each other practice by by being able to find some kind way to say why it should do it again
oh
and trusting each other's
intention i mean why would we put ourselves in this situation if we didn't really want to practice the boot away
must be some reason we're all here
so to in the first place appreciate and give him some credit to the people who are here is it we're all trying to practice and were all practicing with whatever baggage we happen we happen to accumulate this life
and we're doing the best we can listen
and i agree that the if a person is trying to maintain the discipline of the building in a judgmental and harsh way it's not so helpful it's not so helpful and yet we need to maintain the discipline of the building or won't have any practice more heavily the
structure really helps us to practice
so how do we maintain the structure and help each other practice
and still be a not be harsh about it
it may be that it's not appropriate for someone to be living here because it's just not what they won't be doing right now but how can we then arrive at that decision together with the person
in a kind way so the person doesn't feel i'm a bad person is just this isn't what i want to be cool right now
sigismund nettleton
ah
the proposal he said to her ears open
hello
he doesn't know
no
the the where people have
you need to get those people that haven't been together leading to the
the were mostly we're not we're not on earthly know and pill
but the learn
i know
don't have that he doesn't have rules
when force
this long
hi
hey you're getting not do that
she played his part of the thing
in his wedding day repairs and record plenty of pay
yeah yeah i hear from him
know each other
the car
when the his albums me
how early
is how a rematch is no further
the weekend
get lost in a little is not a earth
i'm quite to do a community normal
he's alive columns
yeah i prefer the purpose of and problems i see

so you're feeling yourself some non tolerance of a view and the the in the way in which you are practicing be
ah him
get off the of the field
and then hundred that we have yet to help
no feel
i can tell no
hell this situation but we're fighting
wherever gonna can understand each other
what i'm suggesting is a for one thing his kind of trying to develop greater intimacy with each other trying to be able to reveal to each other what our difficulties are and where our practice is where
where we're have seeing her own difficulties
ah
so for example at a time when things were very
ah
on harmonious at green gulch mel let a practice period out there
and he did a show on ceremony every week
now show on ceremony where each person comes up ah and presents
the question of his or her practice directly ah and in in front of everyone
and ah my experience that was it was leery it contributed greatly to our mutual respect because people people at gringos were not understand each other's practice know some people are gringos were practicing very going to the zendo
for every scheduled period and some people were practicing going to the field can hours a day and almost never coming to the zendo and other people in our everybody people were not respecting this practice because then understand each other's practice and they didn't understand that this person who's not doing what i'm doing
thing is nevertheless really practicing the buddha dharma they're really trying to understand their life through in it through what they're doing they really questioning and turning their life even though they're not doing it the way i'm doing it but when we started having these weekly shows on ceremonies we began to as when people actually began present
their practice to mel in front of everybody we began to say oh this person's
it will begin to appreciate each other sincerity of practice and not carpet each other about the details of of how you know you're not following the schedule is when needed another define you will ever come down to work on the table listening
i think that the more we can see each month more we can reveal
what we're working on in our practice what we are problems or weren't where the edge of our practices and won't reveal it to each other reveal the sincerity of our effort to penetrate our life through practice the more respect we will have for each other even if each other's practices not the same
some mechanism
i mean i think that the the she knew to to be more tolerant of each other is to recognize each other's sincerity
yeah
the reserve each other
yeah
face
it was really does not out the
best for person permission and children below
this is my house
just learned about in to about seventy
but we are learning from factors have been avoided
a heartbeat
the wallpaper was a big a
the here
people do with i prepared and then strung on the same as period
the same i not long ago
i'm talking about is how and he he wrote again song you know he bought a head on a say said he said your home
but nothing happened here where somebody said that an email
hello
well let's try yes
what the a heard of their own providing you know i can we have you get out and we don't have to hire some of the we'll have to do it in repeater is not on your paperwork not
zero to do that pay at the original a more importantly guy that we are empowered to here practice and it's nice to have several papers or something the grave
a very happy with the month of life
ah
oh i can agree with the way since that so many situations similar to a commonplace just describing in some ways it's nice
he would be nice to be to be a the country japanese behind a situation with a higher months but yeah so i'm real proud as nascimento people believe that the departure equal and assertiveness is good connection
and let me know for example i mean lately i been waiting why when how do i pads someone is mean and who can talk to you know they can can talk to him to try out his way the kindness stayed away with a in half
hand and yet you're still practicing and we know in that case to build up so much
an urgent and in fact navy navy should be avoiding more and a getting in their weapon into building up for others into the situation for agent or shoot you know anything in some ways i got i listened to take a long and when you said solicited
a standard awaiting issue painting push your own hatred get your own version me nervous situations it's so personal i well are you just put me away from and really quick deal with it or is it is it
are going to do there
yeah i know nervous situations that are the only thing i've known how to do in a was where where someone has been extremely angry and hurt and unwilling to talk for me
and that that hurt me
the only thing i could do was just too
let that be until it until it finally subsided wasn't anything to to i couldn't do a can fix it i mean i'm not really talking about so fixing situations of have difficulty but ah i could maintain
ah
a practice of the show every time we passed whatever not it was return and ah a willingness to rezone conversation when it happened
and eventually it did but ah there wasn't any way i could sort of make that that connection happening in our by force of will or congress or or or talker and else it just whatever that hurt was had to work
itself out
and i had to see how much i cared yeah i'm i'm one of these people that are someone said to me oh i see you want everybody you you don't you and that's true
i mean why the first thing i started says yeah doesn't everybody but then by the way she said i well as well no i guess not because
what does she said it was how the most people mean i'm just not me but only in not everybody is like that ah it's just so much a part of me that i just assumed everybody with that way
so you know it was it was hard for me to have this visible proof that he was one person we soon didn't love me or at least not now not now hill
some had to deal with my feelings about that i had to me be willing to let that go
so that was my work in that process was to not be hurt by that rejection and just realized that what was going on was partly a result of so not very skillful action on my part and the person
who's who's very easily hurt and i had heard
ah
i'm in north and west river was uncomfortable while was going on them
and then
what he has just gone on long time and you may be your legs may be tired so please move if you want to
let's have to to more people had their hands up and know i think well with her
when
yeah imagine how i have
okay that
a little lower than one i do that academy can be have answered that other person's you i came here know that is no and actually nice i was there what feels like activity for me to help and is a
that hers so what by how am i what is the lack of
that makes the situation and my husband
related for to head yeah know what if you're not purchasing a how i me he never had that reaction of name or am i responding to wait
spokane okay reputation and i seen as always be the way actually when i finally looking at it that way helps name to allow their person and there's on the billion and he say oh that person actually doing something on purpose towards me now that necessary
an employee perfectly able to positive
but they're purposely compelling or to me for some reason some reaction
and i can give way that part of responsibility and
like diameter
and they gonna be used as a lot i suddenly my method
you know and nothing else works with a ride it's true in my air by the pace is a man on feels again and
i don't know the school
i like a lot of partner
for
okay
what as i especially related to amount of
oh have children with your
though is also used to be the she gives the most able to electorate series as professionals to kind of hard to believe or alive and answer
that it provided to be talked about something that repeating me that i understand the good thing to put it only addresses with three side
and she said that know the so
mostly granger again
the and emotions good but you should go away but can we got about each other better and i feel like best kind of react i mean be available to do
he completed before really disagree with you but then she says i mean when i really appreciate the photographs the other third issue but has some of the desert whenever she some of this year or angrier or more isolated the practices chicago and what i purchase it was made
she passes for the choose a major exhibition the computer this route and that mistakes are you
not that the practices right were wrong foot
it would send a dozen workers over he could barely pay with condition and it causes of
and i feel like political cover that side of you know what else to me mean i graduated everything you know you think the with person who this one of the but you know sometimes someone taste that on the named as the survivor and unless the big sister but a little harder to
it's just know any
it's just a painful experience will i think that
part of this process over the cake was too
it's not really and actually the question that this fair enough the i've never seen anyone really excited about major league promise housing that follows him very often
because what we're going on now
so i asked me to raise his right elbow hard work with cables that analysis with and see that ago nine hundred and the
rooms or areas shouldn't choose this is have a rock or even know neighbors hill with a group issue kind of area it's a little but also they didn't have a problem with ash and probably parents got me to any people say although family of symbols
so how do we hung out with the matter and that's how the know he is the question i'm asking and only kind of work with that then can use a sharp hooks and have shown in fig
it's kind of agree though
that's what i'm ask you know
would he really with with something on those who knew what you know i know is is to sit with my own feelings and feel my own feelings and i just don't think i'm gonna fix somebody else
him not all
yeah no me
and yet i guess what fellas
well credit wait so one
we are nice selection three years
you know so awesome a reflection
him opinion
but still even if someone's reaction is not a reflection of you your your reaction
your feelings
or what you have to work with right now and you need to you it's important to feel your feelings are not get caught up in your story about
my feeling in like like suzuki roshi said to say you're not angry when you are that's not so good to say you made me so maybe that's too much
so to find out what's in between
saying you're not angry when you are and saying that somebody else made you angry what's what's in there well you know that the what is it the mob have set of the thomas suitor says when a arises the monk says anger as illusion and
on
i think that what's in between ah as as hamlet talk about her talk here is actually experiencing acknowledging your own your own emotion and experiencing it without repressing it and wish
out expressing an old or i feel acting it out
acknowledging it on
in a joke or talks a lot about feeling the actual physical sensations of an emotion
that's what's actually happening right now the story about what was the occasion for what you gonna do about it is past and future and is not what's happening right now what's happening right now is actually your experience of it your your this moment experience hello
mrs get it's getting too late i think for we got me she weaves
yeah that's right because next week the week after when we get or
until next time it
oh
the
yeah
are you get to do more than you get any more what you are
one
distributed you you're not cheap at is as hidden as you were before and maybe so animal
you let's continue continue later
me or in hampshire the forty minutes