How many of you, this is the first time for you here? Oh, really? Well, you're welcome. Or do I say thank you? I have no idea, really, what I'm going to talk about this morning. My, my, my, my, so hang on, okay? Would the Eno turn up the volume a little bit, please?

[01:04]

How about that? Okay. Can you hear me now, better? Over here? Not so, so? My heavens, I'm using my best lowest voice, which I'm completely not in control of, but it's coming out this morning. I am glad to see people here. I'm actually happy to be with you and glad to see people here this morning. I have no idea why, but it's true. I think it's a wonderful thing to see everybody here this morning, listening to the Dharma, maybe. Those of you who have been to my talks before know it takes me a little while to kind of get into the, to kind of rattle up a little bit, so be patient, although this may be the entire thing.

[02:07]

I'm happy at the moment. It was really nice to see the Saturday Sangha, which, we're a very intimate kind of group, and who you're invited to, anyone who wants to come, who doesn't live in the building and has a practice, by the way. I feel safe with them. And also, I have no idea what I'm talking about. The reason is, is because it's hard for me to get to what's been going on in my life the last bit, and I can't not talk about it because it's still very much with me and in me, and I will get to it eventually. But I was thanking you for coming. I was thanking you for coming because for some odd reason I actually really do believe

[03:15]

that the study of Buddhism, if we all study it well enough, and if it spreads out well enough, and if it connects with other kinds of people who are studying the same kind of thing, even if they don't call it Buddhism, it is possible to heal the world, to heal the tear, the wound in the world, which is this sense of separation, this division that we have. And one of the ways it occurs to me today to talk a little bit about it is because when I was home recently, it's easy when we all believe this, and Zen Center errs in this really a lot. You know, we want harmony at Zen Center, that's the thing. Everybody's kind of supposed to be cool and equanimitous. Equanimitous? Equanimous? Is that right?

[04:17]

Are you kidding me? That's the word, equanimous? Like hippopotamus? Somebody should remember what I'm talking about because it's going to be hard for me to keep it. What? Oh, thank you. Yes, because at Zen Center we err on the side of harmony, or at least we try to err on the side of harmony. But the truth, what happens really is that we have all of these feelings with each other and stuff that come up. And what we need, I think, to practice with mostly is how to be able to be together with our differences. And that was one of the neat things that was happening with me and my family recently in Los Angeles. There were differences that came up and it was very interesting to see how we walked

[05:18]

through those differences with this undercurrent anyway, just like we have at Zen Center, that basically we completely are connected, totally. And I also would like to thank people who have given me cards and flowers and hugs. It's been very supportive and I appreciate your caring of me in this way. It's been very gentle and comforting. I'm giving you hints. I'm getting closer. Anyway, so, okay, here we go. So, what's been happening to me, I think, in an unusual way now that I think back on it a little bit, over the last five months I've had three people in my family who've

[06:25]

passed away. And the last one who passed away was my father who's sitting up on this altar, which is very peculiar for me. So, I can't even say that it's been a lot, you know? I can't even say it's been a lot. It's just been what it's been. And I've walked through it step by step by step by step. And I think it's over now. I don't know anybody else in my family who's sick, and although my brother did total his car while I was down there this last time, he was okay, luckily. So, my feelings are all over the map. And I'm watching them and being them.

[07:30]

And next week, there will be a next week, and then the week after that I'm going to go on a retreat and just try to absorb a little bit what's going on, what happened. So, many, many, many years ago, a long time ago, there was a little girl, and she was very happy and quite popular. She was a very good athlete. She enjoyed music. She had fun. She played in the fields, and when it was damp, she would pull out big, long pieces of grass. They were really long, and on the end of the grass, there would be these big clumps of dirt, and you'd throw them at each other and stuff. Los Angeles at the time was paradise.

[08:33]

Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you what happened in Los Angeles. But anyway, she was about twelve or thirteen when this world of hers started to fall apart. Her friends, of which there were many, began to have other kinds of interests that she didn't understand, and she herself was having feelings about things that she didn't understand, and her family was having a lot of difficulty, and she went to a new school, and lots and lots of things were happening, and she felt very lost and very alone. And one day, she was sitting on a kind of a golden hill with the grass dried out. The grass was already dried out and kind of crinkly.

[09:38]

And she thought to herself, I wonder, is there anything at all in the world that you can really count on? Anything that absolutely is true, always, all the time? And it was important for her to find out, because she wanted that security, I guess. So she kept that question with her in the back of her mind, and one day, about a month or two later, she was walking to orchestra rehearsal with her flute in her hand, and she was walking across the courtyard of the junior high that she was going to, and all of a sudden, she understood.

[10:44]

And what she understood, and what she knew she could count on, always, was that everything always changed. The only thing that didn't change in the whole world, the only thing that was really always going to be there was change itself. And for a while, it comforted her. And then she got involved with other things, and the importance of it was lost to her for a long time, but it was a seed. This teaching that everything changes is the fundamental teaching of Buddhism, on which everything else blossoms. The teaching of impermanence, the teaching of no-self, the teaching of Buddha nature,

[11:50]

the teaching of equanimity, everything, depending on arising, everything rests on this understanding that everything changes. And yet, this teaching is enormously difficult for us to actually accept. We can accept it when things are difficult, then we want things to change, of course. But when things are going well, or when it's even just sort of even, we don't accept it. We don't go there. Because I think what's familiar, even in our pain and suffering, we choose what we know over what may happen next that we don't know.

[12:51]

And so we get caught in this round of grabbing onto things that we can't hold onto, because they're not tangible in the first place. And because they're not tangible, they're not solid and separate, they're going to change, there's no question about it. And in fact, this is the basis of equanimity, when we really deeply know that we can hold onto nothing, then we don't mind when... It's not that we don't mind exactly. I mind that my father is dead, but it's okay. He's dead, he's dead. That's correct. In the scheme of things, he's dead.

[13:55]

And when someone dies who shouldn't die, my dad was almost 87, but if a child dies, or a person, a young person dies, it's not that it's right that that happened. It's just that it did happen and it's there. And on some level, we know... My mind just made this leap to Katagiri Roshi. Maybe I've told you this story before. When my mother died in 1974, I'm an orphan. Do we have other orphans in the house? Great.

[14:58]

My brother and I visited Katagiri Roshi. We had a personal meeting with Katagiri Roshi. He was my... I love that man. He's also dead. Did you realize that there are billions of more people who have died than are alive right now? Death is the thing. That's happening. We're all, obviously, right? We're all going to die and we're just pretending right now. We're just having a kind of a nice get-together for a while. Very temporary. It's really fast. We're just together for a little while, trying to make the best of it. It would be good if we let go of the struggle, trying to figure it out. Cannot figure it out. No way. My father was lying in... I have to get back to Katagiri. My father was lying in bed. I think now that he died of kidney failure, which is a very good way to die.

[16:03]

If you can choose it, kidney failure is the way to go. I think what happens is... What? Why? What happens is that when your kidneys fail, when you urinate, you eliminate toxins. That's basically what's happening. And when your kidneys fail, you can't eliminate like that. Your kidneys are not processing the toxins of the body. So in a very gentle way, you're poisoned to death. And what happens is... Oh, it's very nice, I think, I'm sure. I've seen a couple of people die this way, too. Jerry died this way. What happens is, probably about a day and a half before you're actually going to die, you fall asleep. So you just... And this is what happened to my father, although my father was in such a deep sleep that we couldn't even reach him. But it's a very, very gentle... Just like a wisp, like a whisper.

[17:06]

The line between life and death is so thin, you can hardly catch it. Just the person doesn't breathe again, doesn't take a next breath. What happened? What left? His body's still there. What was that? He's not moving. But what is the... What happened? I've seen lots of people die, and it's a mystery. What was that life that was there, that's gone? Anyway. Katagiri Roshi said there's no difference between life and death. I used to think, Nah. Somebody's here, and then somebody's gone. What do you mean there's no difference? That's ridiculous. But if we don't think of it as a personal death, which is why when great Zen masters

[18:11]

think or talk about it, when their self is not so forward in their lives, they feel no difference between the huge event that's happening, which is life-death. It's this big, huge... which we also can't comprehend, but we know it. So in that way, there is no difference between life and death. And when I was in Los Angeles, all that was happening, it was like a tunnel. I think for people who have been around death, it's an extremely interesting event. It's like a tunnel. It's like you go into this death samadhi, and nothing else exists. There is no time, which is true, so it's wonderful. You have no idea what day it is.

[19:13]

The date is completely irrelevant. You listen to the news, but it goes in one ear and it's right out the other. It just doesn't touch what's going on. And it's not as if what's going on in our daily life is not important. It's because it's so transient that it is so important. It's because everything is so fragile, so ungraspable, so tenuous, so quickly gone, that we need to pay attention. This is how I paid attention in LA. So I'm driving from... I had just put... My dad went into the hospital three times in three weeks, in and out, the emergency room, in and out. And the second time he went in, UCLA emergency room,

[20:14]

I had just taken him there, emergency. His kidneys were failing. They saved him. Too bad. But anyway... He was so sweet at this time. He was very soft at that point. Anyway, I was just coming back from the emergency room. I had spent the whole day there trying to get him what he needed, which was basically... Well, they took care of him. It was okay. And I was coming home, I was going toward my brother's house to pick up my brother to take him back to the hospital, emergency room, because we didn't know when my dad was going to die. He was on the edge for a while. And I saw... Almost saw, not quite, an oncoming red light. And I'm sure I thought about it for a minute, like for a second. And I looked to my left, and I looked to the right, and there wasn't nobody coming.

[21:14]

And I made a decision in that moment, in a split second. I thought... I didn't even hardly think. It was like, get your brother. And I passed through the light. And the neatest thing happened. It was so great. Right when I was in the middle of the intersection, there were two flashes of, like, a spotlight. Flash, flash, like that. I was so shocked, I couldn't believe it. It never happened before in my whole life. They had taken a picture of me. Ha, ha, ha. And not just of me, of my car. In the wrong place at the wrong time.

[22:19]

It was really interesting. And I thought to myself, oh, this just happened. This actually really happened. Oh, my father is spitting up blood. Oh, it's happening. Oh, I feel furious. Oh, I feel blah, blah, blah. This is really happening. It's like... just this, which, in fact, never changes. Just this present moment. Always, forever, right now. And it's okay. Even with death. So, just to end the story a little bit. When I came back to my apartment...

[23:29]

You know, this must have happened to you. Maybe I did. I had four pictures waiting for me. Four pictures. And the cost of the ticket, which, just in case, you're thinking of doing this, $270. Plus, if you don't want a record on your... a mark on your record, $30 more. And you don't get the $270 back either. It's an impressive tap on the shoulder. But anyway, you get four pictures. The first picture, just in case, okay? The first picture is of your car where it's supposed to be. Which is just before the crosswalk, right? The second picture is a picture of your car in the middle...

[24:29]

of the intersection. The next one is a... just in case, you know. The next one is a close-up of your license plate. And the last one is a picture of you. Stunned, right? It's very effective. I didn't... I was so careful, you know. The light turned yellow and I was stopped. Which I think is what you're supposed to do, you know. Anyway, it's just to finish the story. People... People sent me poems during this time and I thought I'd... Oh, the first thing. You know, this is irrelevant actually to read to you,

[25:32]

but it's my favorite part of the Diamond Sutra. So I wanted to read... If I were following what I was supposed to be saying. I'll just say this because I like it so much, but at this point it's irrelevant anyway to what I was saying, but not really irrelevant. I mean, it's about how to view what is conditioned. Do you know what conditioned means, you newcomers? Everything's conditioned. Everything depends on something else. And everything that is conditioned is conditioned. And everything that is conditioned is subject to loss because there's nothing holding it together.

[26:33]

Anyway, so this is the end. You'll recognize it does if you say this. Every week do we say it? It's from the Diamond Cutter Sutra. It's the last little blurb. You can lower them. Relax. How does one view what is conditioned is the question. How to illuminate it. And the response is this. How to look at a human being. How to view the floor, a rug, the sky, the flowers, a tree, a bus, the garbage. What's the relationship to it? You view it as stars, as a fault of vision, a lamp, a mock show, dew drops, or a bubble, a dream, a lightning flash,

[27:38]

or a cloud. That is how one should view what is conditioned. And that is us. We're here only temporarily for now. A moment. The emotion that we have. Only a moment if we don't hold on to it. A thought. A wisp of a lightning flash if we just don't hold on. That is who we are. The body. Sure, looks like a little bit longer, but really not. After my father died, I was so grateful. First, that he was not suffering anymore, which was great. And then just for him, a wonderful little welling up of gratitude for giving me life.

[28:42]

Just the opportunity to be here just for a little while. Temporarily. What a gift. So here are the three poems from three different people. So I thought I'd read all three because they're really great. Oh, I wanted to tell you... Before I tell you that, I wanted to tell you one thing about... Well, maybe that's not relevant either. I will. In Jewish... My family is Jewish. In Jewish, when a person dies, you say a prayer. Also, before this, I was reminded just before I came down here, there's this other thing that happens that is really powerful. For the people who are the close persons of the person who died, they give you a pin with a cloth on it.

[29:45]

Actually, it used to be your own clothes. And the rabbi walks up to you. And if you don't know this is coming, it is so devastating. It's a little bit much. But they take the cloth and they rip it. And the sound feels like your heart is just ripping apart. Rip! Which it feels like. It feels like you have holes in you for these losses. And then you sit what we call Shiva. You sit for a week. You stay at home. You don't do anything, which is an excellent idea because you don't really want to do anything. People come over, bring you food, talk. But what I wanted to tell you was we say a prayer. It's called a Kaddish. And essentially what the prayer is, at the moment of your deepest grief, what the prayer is about is it's about life.

[30:47]

God, or in the true understanding of God, this... Excuse me, I didn't mean to say that. I don't know who believes in what kinds of gods. I take it back. But in my understanding... So anyway, this prayer, what it does is in the moment of your grief, it reminds you of your faith. It reminds you of the miraculousness of this thing that we all are. In joy, in an uplifting, and each person... You have to do this with the community. You can't say this prayer by yourself. You have to do it with the community. And then everyone who has had a loss like this in the community stands up. And then the whole community says the prayer together. Yes, we reconfirm our commitment to life. Like we say l'chaim as a toast in Jewish.

[31:51]

It means to life. So here I was engaged in losing some life in my immediate thing. And some people sent me... Three people sent me poems. And these are the three poems. I'll read them and then I'll stop. The first one is called Bird Wings and it's from Rumi. Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror up to where you are bravely working. Expecting the worst you look and instead here is the joyful face you've been waiting to see. Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding.

[32:55]

The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings. That's the first one. And this was from another kind of a person who was giving me that kind of support. It's called An Angel in Your Pocket. I'm a tiny angel. I'm smaller than your thumb. I live in people's pockets. That's where I have my fun. I don't suppose you've seen me. I'm too tiny to detect. Though I'm with you all the time, I doubt we've ever met. Before I was an angel, I was a fairy in a flower. God herself hand-picked me and gave me angel power. Now God has many angels that she trains in angel pools. We become her eyes and ears and hands. We become her special tools. And because God is so busy with way too much to do,

[33:57]

he said that my assignment was to keep close watch on you. Then he tucked me in your pocket, blessing you with angel care, saying, I must never leave you, and I vowed to stay right there. So cute. I appreciate it. I have always had a fear of parking fairy. So now I have a pocket angel as well. This one is from Rilke. It will be a different tone as Rilke is, but I love him so much. Overflowing... This is so Rilke. Overflowing heavens of squandered stars flame brilliantly above your troubles. Instead of into your pillow,

[34:58]

weep upward toward them. There at the already weeping, at the ending visage, slowly thinning out, ravishing world space begins. Who will interrupt once you've forced your way there? The current. No one. You may panic and fight that overwhelming course of stars that streams toward you. Breathe. Breathe the darkness of the earth and again look up. Again, lightly and facelessly, depths lean toward you from above. The serene countenance dissolved in night

[36:00]

makes room for yours. So, I have no idea what I've said, but I really, again, am glad to have you here with us trying this practice, trying always to do our best, always, in fact, doing our best, truthfully. And I wish you great joy and luck in this life. Thank you.

[36:48]

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